Category: lawyers

Two attorneys have planned to meet for lunch, but one of them shows up 30 minutes late.The one who’s been waiting asks his partner: “What kept you?””I ran over a Coke bottle and got a flat tire.””A Coke bottle in the road? Didn’t you see it?””No, the kid had it under his coat.”

There was a loser who couldn’t get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date.The guy said, “It’s simple. I just say, I’m a lawyer.”So, the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning. She said, “Oh! You’re a lawyer?”He said, “Why yes I am!” so they went to his place. When they were in bed making love, he started to laugh to himself.When she asked what was so funny, he answered, “Well, I’ve only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I’m already screwing someone!”

Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.

The prostitute’s lawyer addressed the court first, “Your Honor, my client,
this lady here, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot surrounded by
a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the
defendant for a specific length of time for the sum of $500.00. The defendant
obtained exclusive possession of the property, using it extensively for the
purpose for which it was rented. However, upon evacuating the premises, he paid
only one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive since it is
restricted and exclusive property and we ask that judgment be granted for
plaintiff and against defendant in the amount of $250.00.
The defendant’s lawyer, thrown back by what he had just heard, pondered
the opening remarks for a moment and stood to present his off-the-cuff version
of the case, “Your Honor, my client agrees that the young lady has a fine piece
of property, and that he rented such property for a period of time, and that he
even derived a degree of pleasure from the transaction. However, my client found
a well on the property upon which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and
erected a pump. All equipment belonging to my client and all labor being
performed by him. We allege that these improvements to the property were
sufficient to affect an offset of the unpaid portion of rent and further allege
that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the fair market rental value
of such property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted for plaintiff
and that the defendant be awarded his attorney’s fees and costs incurred in the
defense of this frivolous action.”
The prostitute’s lawyer replied, “If it pleases the court your Honor, my
client agrees that the defendant did find a well on the property, and that he
made the improvements to the property as alleged. However, had the defendant not
known the well existed; he would have never rented the property. Furthermore,
upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the
shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged his
equipment through the well-manicured shrubbery, but also left the well with a
hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making it easily accessible
to small children, thereby creating a possible danger to the health and general
welfare of the public. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted as requested
in the complaint.
Judgment for the plaintiff in the amount of $250.00!

Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): “May I address the court?”

Judge: “Of course.”

Defendant: “If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?”

Judge: “I’d hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.”

Defendant: “What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?”

Judge: “I can’t do anything about that. There’s no law against thinking.”

Defendant: “In that case, I think you’re a son of a bitch.”

A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die and go to heaven.

When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who then says, “Sorry, heaven’s crowding up, so you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can’t get in.”

He looks at the teacher, and asks her: “What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” the teacher replied, “the Titanic.” So St. Peter let her into heaven.

Next he turned to the petty thief. “How many people died on that ship?” St. Peter asked. “Oooh, that’s tough, but I saw the movie, and it was 1,500.” St. Peter stepped away and the thief walked into heaven.

Finally, St. Peter turned to the lawyer.
He simply said to him: “Name them.”

A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend.

In his grief, one of the three said, “In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they�ll have something to pay tax’s over there.”

They all agreed that this was appropriate.

The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket and walked away in tears.

The car salesman did the same.

The lawyer looked around and seeing no one was near the coffin, he took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten
husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband,
“Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”
“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been
married ten times?”

“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me
how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure
how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it
and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked
out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the
order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but
wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new
state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he
knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he
was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about
it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was… God! I
miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”

“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”

“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

1Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips move
2Q: What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in
the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
3Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
A: Your honor.
4Q: Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
5Q: When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they are all nice guys
6Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of crap?
A: a bucket
7Q: What is the difference between God and a lawyer?
A: God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.
8Q: What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
A: Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.
9Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
10Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were
overheard talking at the zoo one day.

“My name is Billy. What’s yours?” asked the first boy.

“Tommy,” replied the second.

“My daddy’s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a
living?” asked Billy.

Tommy replied, “My daddy’s a lawyer.”

“Honest?” asked Billy.

“No, just the regular kind,” replied Tommy.

This long line of people are queueing up to get served in a shop. Suddenly one bloke starts massaging the person in front’s back. The other bloke immediately turns round and says to him, “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”The bloke behind tells him, “Well, I’m a chiropractor and I can’t help myself. I can’t help practicing my art.””Are you crazy?”says the bloke in front, “I’m a lawyer, but do you see me f**king the bloke in front of me?”

A young attorney, ‘who had taken over his father’s practice’, rushed home elated one night. “Dad, listen,” he shouted, “I’ve finally settled that old McKinney suit.””Settled it!!” cried his astonished father.”Why, I gave that to you as an annuity for life.”