Gay Identification

A guy from the deep south comes to New York and he’s amazed by the indoor plumbing. He’s so intrigued by the way the toilets work that he goes to the Sewage Disposal Plant to check it out.One of the inspectors shows him to the conveyor belt that carries all the bowel movements. As the piles of shit parade by them, the inspector says, “You can tell by inspection who the assorted feces belong to. See that one? I’m sure it’s the turd of a Mexican. See the pieces of taco shell, and the tomato seeds? And this next one is obviously the turd of a Chinaman or a Jap, see the fish eyes and the rice in it? And this next one is surely from a gay man.”The hick says, “How can you tell?”The inspector says, “It’s dented on one end.”

Blonde With 2 Horses

A blonde had two horses, but she couldn’t tell them apart. So she asked her neighbor for advice. He suggested that she cut the tail off one of the horses.This worked until the other horse snagged his tail on a fence. So the neighbor suggested notching one of the horses’ ear.This worked until the other horse snagged his ear on a fence. So the neighbor suggested measuring the heights of the horses.And sure enough, the white horse was two inches taller than the black horse!

Funniest One Liners

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasmEagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet enginesEarly bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheeseI’m not cheap, but I am on special this weekI almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we metI drive way too fast to worry about cholesterolI intend to live forever – so far, so goodI love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravyIf Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?If you ain’t makin’ waves, you ain’t kickin’ hard enough!Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb!Mind Like A Steel Trap – Rusty And Illegal In 37 StatesQuantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made ofSupport bacteria – they’re the only culture some people haveThe only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you.If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case … coincidence?If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?What happens if you get scared half to death twice?Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!Black holes are where God divided by zero.All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

How to win and influence people

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. ‘If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined.’ ‘It’s in the judge’s hands now,’ said the lawyer. ‘Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?’ ‘Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn’t even smile at the judge.’ Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, ‘Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!’ ‘I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d sent them.’ ‘But, I did send them.’ ‘What? You did?’ said the lawyer, incredulously. ‘Yes. That’s how we won the case.’ ‘I don’t understand,’ said the lawyer. ‘It’s easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff’s business card.’

The Priest’s Mistake

A preacher and an attorney were talking one day about the
mistakes they made in their respective professions, and how they
deal with them.

The lawyer boasted that because he was a lawyer if he made a
really big mistake he just shuffled a few papers and pulled a
few legal maneuvers and covered it all up. If it was a small
mistake he just ignored it and went on with life. The attorney
turned to the preacher and asked, “How do you do it, pastor?”

The pastor said, “If it is a really large mistake I just turn to
the Lord and ask forgiveness.” The attorney interrupted him and
asked, “But what about small mistakes, how do you handle them?”
The preacher replied, “Well, just last Sunday in my sermon I was
quoting Jesus from the gospel of John chapter 8 where he said,
“You are your father the devil, he was a liar from the
beginning.” Instead I said, “You are of your father the devil,
he was lawyer from the beginning.” Upon hearing this the lawyer
became indignant and retorted, “Well how did you handle it?” The
preacher replied, “It was such a small mistake that I just
ignored it and went on.”

Chaos

Seems there were these three professionals sitting around talking about the oldest profession (not THAT one!).

The Doctor says, “Well, the Bible says that God took a rib out of Adam to make woman. Since that clearly required surgery, then the oldest profession is surely medicine.”

The Engineer shakes his head and replies, “No, no. The Bible also says that God created the world out of void and chaos. To do that, God must surely have been an engineer. Therefore, Engineering is the oldest profession.”

The Lawyer smiles smugly and leans discreetly forward. “Ah,” he says, “but who do you think created the Chaos?”

Robbing the club

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer’s club by mistake. The old lawyers gave them a fight for their lives. The gang was very happy to escape. ‘It ain’t so bad,’ one crook noted. ‘We got out with $25 between us.’ ‘I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!’ the boss screamed. ‘We had over $100 when we broke in!’

Laywer, Son & Ethics

“Suppose son, that one day a gentleman comes into my office with
a simple question. Upon answering the man’s question, I charge
him $100.00. He is outraged at the bill for such a simple
question but agrees to pay. The man reaches in his wallet and
grabs a hundred dollar bill and thrusts the money into my hand.
Upon his leaving, I notice that the man has, in fact, given me
two $100.00 bills.”

Now the ethical question, “Do I share that money with my
partner?”

Gorilla Removal

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.”Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?” the service guy asks.”Boy,” is the man’s response.”Oh yeah, I can do it. I’ll be right there”, says the service guy.An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: “Now, I’m going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla’s testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him.”The man asks, “What do I do with the shotgun?”The service guy replies, “If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua.”