Category: lawyers

A man walks into a bar with an alligator. “Do you serve lawyers in here?”, the man inquires.”Sure do!”, replied the bartender.”Great!”, the man said. “I’ll have a Coors Light, and how ’bout a lawyer for my ‘gator.”

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a
pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” “I’m a chiropractor, and I’m just
keeping in practice while I’m waiting in line.” “Well, I’m a lawyer, but you
don’t see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?”

Two lawyers are walking on the beach. A lovely blond woman in a skimpy bikini walks by.Lawyer #1 says, “Boy, wouldn’t you like to screw her?”Lawyer #2 then asks, “Screw her out of what?”

Having been propositioned by a well-defined and uptown prostitute one
evening, a successful single gentleman agreed to have consensual sex with the
young lady for the sum of $500.00. After the evening ended the gentleman handed
the young lady $250.00. The prostitute immediately demanded the balance and
threatened to sue if she didn’t get it. “That’s a laugh!” the man stated, “I’d
like to see you try.” A few days later the man was surprised to receive a
summons ordering him to appear in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. The man
hurried to his lawyer’s office and explained the details of the case. His lawyer
said, “She can’t possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it
will be interesting to see how she presents her case.” After the usual
preliminaries, the parties appeared in court ready for trial.

Attorney General: Would the Court like me to put a very brief statement on the
record about the discovery that was made today?
Judge: No.
Defense Attorney: No
Judge (to reporter): Would you like him to do that, Cathy?
Reporter: No.

The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding.Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer. Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, “Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?” The lawyer replied, “Of course, how much was the roast?” “$7.98.” said the butcher. A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice. It read: Legal Consultation Service $150

THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?

A. No.

Q. What was he doing with the dog’s ears?

A. Picking them up in the air.

Q. Where was the dog at this time?

A. Attached to the ears.

Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?

MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?

A. Oral.

Q. How old are you?

A. Oral.

Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?

A. She is my daughter.

Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?

Q. …and what did he do then?

A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.

Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?

A. He didn’t offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.

Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?

A. I didn’t see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.

Q. It was covered?

A. Yes, bandaged.

Q. Then, later on.. what did you see?

A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?

A. I could see his head.

Q. And where was his head?

A. Just above his shoulders.

Q. What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?

A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she’d kill that sonofabitch – and she did!

Q. Do you drink when you’re on duty?

A. I don’t drink when I’m on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

Q. …any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?

A. The victim lived.

Q. Are you sexually active?

A. No, I just lie there.

Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.

Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn’t it. You too were shot in the fracas?

A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?

A. It indicates intercourse.

Q. Male sperm?

Q. (showing man picture) That’s you?

A. Yes, sir.

Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet country road and made his move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her blouse. Suddenly she jerked away, got out of the car and walked home. That night she wrote in her diary, “A girl’s best friends are her own two legs.”On their next date, Carl returned to the country road. As they were necking, he slid his hand up Mary’s skirt. Once again she pulled away, got out of the car and walked home. That night she wrote in her diary, “I repeat, a girl’s best friends are her own two legs.”On the third date, the pair returned to the country road. This time Mary didn’t get home until very late. That night she wrote, “Dear diary: There comes a time when even the best of friends must part.”

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.”Isn’t it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn’t hear the question.”Isn’t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, “Sir, please answer the question.” “Oh,” the startled witness said, “I thought he was talking to you.”

Q: You are stuck in an elevator with a tiger, a lion and a lawyer. You have a
gun with just two bullets in it. What do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice to make sure he’s dead.

Not so deep in the swamplands of Louisiana, a Cajun’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night. The doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, “Here. You hold dis high so I can see what I’m doing.” Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. “Whoa there,” said the doctor, “Don’t be in such a rush to put dat lantern down. I think dere’s another one coming.” Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a babygirl. “Hold dat lantern up, don’t set it down, dere’s another one!” said the doctor. Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. “Don’t put down dat lantern, it seems dere’s yet another one a coming!” cried the doctor. The Cajun scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, “You tink it might be da light that’s attractin’ ’em?”