Yours Fun Portal !
Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, “Is it true they’re suing the
cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?”
“Yes, Bubba, sure is true.” responded the lawyer.
“And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and
clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister
lawyer?
“Sure is Bubba. But why are you asking?
“Cause what I wanna know is, I was thinkin’, “can I sue Budweiser for all the
ugly women I’ve slept with ?”
There was a loser who couldn’t get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date. The guy said, “It’s simple. I just say, I’m a lawyer.”
So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said “No,” he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.
She said, “Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?”
He said, “Why,… Yes I am!”
So they went to his place and when they were in bed, screwing, he started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny, he answered,
“Well, I’ve only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I’m already screwing someone!”
A lawyer was helping a poor old widow settle her husband’s estate. Upon completion of the job, he charged her $100.00. She opened her purse, and took out one of the few remaining contents – a one hundred dollar bill. After he left the attorney discovered that the bill had another $100.00 bill stuck to it. Immediately, the lawyer was faced with an ethical dilemma – whether or not to tell his partner.
George and Harry set out in a trans-Atlantic hot air balloon race. After 37
hours in the air and appearing lost, George offers, “We had better lose some
altitude Harry so we can see exactly where we are.” Hesitantly, Harry lets some
hot air out of the balloon, and it begins to slowly descend below the cloud
cover. Still confused as to their exact location George again offers, “I still
can’t tell where we are Harry, let’s ask that gentleman down there on the
ground.” Harry yells down to the stranger, “Hey, Mister can you tell us where we
are?” “You’re in a balloon about 100 feet up in the air,” came the reply. “That
man must be a lawyer,” George quipped. “How can you tell?” said Harry. “Because
the advice he just gave us is 100% accurate and totally useless!”
A man is in court. The Judges says,”on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?”
“Guilty”, said the man in the dock.
At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted “You dirty rat!” The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.
The Judge continued “….. and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead”?
“Guilty”, said the man in the dock.
Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, “You dirty rotten stinking rat”!!
At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, “I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?”
He replied “He is my next door neighbor”.
The Judge replied, “I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments”.
The man replied “NO, your Honor, you don’t understand.
Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn’t have one”!!!
** What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.** What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing. There are some things a pig won’t do.
Two lawyers are walking on the beach. A lovely blond woman in a skimpy bikini walks by.
Lawyer #1 says, “Boy, wouldn’t you like to screw her?”
Lawyer #2 then asks, “Screw her out of what?”
A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far away country to represent a
long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the
client acquitted and released.
Excited about his success, the attorney e-mailed the firm: �Justice
prevailed.�
The senior partner replied in haste, �Appeal immediately.�
There is a Hindu man, a Jewish man, and an attorney traveling in
a car down a backroad when, all of a sudden, their car stops
running. They walk down the road looking for help.
Finally, they come upon a farmhouse. By now it is pretty late so
they ask the farmer if they can spend the night. He says sure,
but one of them will have to sleep in the barn. The Hindu man
said he can sleep in the barn, and that it is not a problem.
Everybody goes to sleep.
Pretty soon they are awakened by a pounding on the door. It is
the Hindu man. He says, “I am sorry, but I can’t sleep in the
barn because there are cows out there.”
So the Jewish man stands up and says he can sleep in the barn,
and that it is not a problem. Everybody goes back to sleep.
Once again they were awakened with pounding on the door. It’s
the Jewish man. He says, “I am sorry, but I can’t sleep in the
barn because there are also pigs out there.”
So the attorney says he’ll sleep in the barn and they all go
back to sleep.
Again, there is heavy pounding on the door and when the farmer
opens the door he sees the cows and the pigs.
What do lawyers use for birth control?
* Their personalities.
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
* A tick falls off of you when you die.
Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
* To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.
What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
* Not enough sand.
What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
* There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
* A Doberman.
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
* If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
* One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
* They had pictures of lawyers on them …and people couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.
Lawyer’s creed:
* A man is innocent until proven broke.
What’s the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
* Lipstick.
What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
* Skeet.
What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
* Chelsea Clinton
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
* It might be your bicycle.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
* The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
It was so cold last winter … (How cold was it?)
* …… I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
A man walked into a lawyer’s office and inquired about the lawyer’s rates. “$50.00 for three questions”, replied the lawyer. “Isn’t that awfully steep?” asked the man. “Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what was your third question?”
You’re trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
* You shoot the lawyer. Twice.
Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
* He gets taller.
If you throw a lawyer into a pool of man-eating, hungry sharks,
why would they not attack him?
Professional courtesy!
An Amish man named Samuel was injured when a car at an intersection struck
him and his horse. Samuel sued the driver of the car. In court, he was
cross-examined by the driver’s lawyer:
Lawyer: Samuel, you’ve told us all about your injuries. However, according
to the accident report, you told the investigating officer at the scene that you
weren’t injured at all, isn’t that true?”
Samuel: Well … let me explain.
Lawyer: Go right ahead (thinking he now had the plaintiff on the ropes).
Please tell the jury.
Samuel: When the officer arrived at the scene, he first looked upon my
fallen horse. Finding him injured, the officer said to me, “Looks like he has a
broken leg,” and then he took out his weapon and shot my horse dead. The officer
next looked upon me and asked how I was doing. Suffering from the same injury as
my horse, I of course immediately replied, “I’m OK!”