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Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. “My name is Billy. What’s yours?” asked the first boy.
“Tommy,” re`lied the second.
“My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?” asked Billy.
Tommy replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.”
“Honest?” asked Billy.
“No, just the regular kind”, replied Tommy.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: Wings.
A Virginia inmate tried to sue him for $5 million on the grounds that he had
gotten drunk and caused himself to violate his religious beliefs by committing a
crime. Because he had no money, he wanted the state to pay the $5 million.
A San Quentin death row inmate sued California, claiming his civil rights were
violated because his packages were sent via UPS rather than the U.S. Postal
Service.
An Oklahoma inmate alleged his religious freedoms were violated but could not
say just how, because the main tenet of his faith was that all its practices
were secret.
A Nevada inmate sued when he ordered two jars of chunky peanut butter at the
Nevada State Prison canteen and received one chunky and one creamy.
An Ohio inmate sued for being denied possession of soap on a rope.
A convicted New York rapist sued the state, claiming he lost sleep and
suffered headaches and chest pains after being given a “defective haircut” by an
unqualified barber.
An Oklahoma inmate sued because he was forced to listen to country music.
An Arizona inmate sued when he was not invited to a pizza party that prison
employees held for a guard leaving his job.
A Colorado con sued for early release because “everyone knows a con only
serves about three years of a 10-year sentence.”
An Indiana prisoner sued because he wanted to obtain Regain for his baldness.
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.
The lawyer replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?”
The doctor replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds.”
The lawyer looked puzzled. “Gee,” he asked, “how do you start a flood?”
Attorney: And what did you see when the defendant pulled down his pants?
Witness: It looked like a penis, only smaller.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
2. He tells you that his last good case was a “Budweiser.”
3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
4. He picks the jury by playing “duck-duck-goose.”
5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
6. He asks a hostile witness to “pull my finger.”
7. A prison guard is shaving your head.
8. Every couple of minutes he yells, “I call Jack Daniels to the stand!” and proceeds to drink a shot.
9. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
10. He places a large “No Refunds” sign on the defense table.
11. He begins closing arguments with, “As Ally McBeal once said …”
12. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
13. Just before trial starts he whispers, “The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?”
14. Just before he says “Your Honor,” he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
15. The sign in front of his law office reads “Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM.”
16. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, “Whatever.”
17. He giggles every time he hears the word “briefs.”
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.
The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into
a glass, drinks it, and says: “In USSR, we have the best vodka in the world,
nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in
Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away…” Saying
that, he opened the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it. All the
others were quite impressed.
The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to
smoke it saying: “In Cuba, we have the best cigars in the world, nowhere in the
world there is so many and so good cigars and we have so much of them, that we
can just throw them away…”. Saying that, he throws the pack of Havanas through
the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed. At this time, the
American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it…
an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury aquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
“Your honor,” he said, “I wanna get out a warrent for that dirty lawyer of mine.”
“Why ?” asked the judge. “He won your aquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?”
“Well, your honor,” replied Carlson, “I didn’t have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole.”
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at
the zoo one day. “My name is Billy. What’s yours?” asked the first boy. “Tommy,”
replied the second. “My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a
living?” asked Billy. Tommy replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.” “Honest?” asked
Billy. “No, just the regular kind”, replied Tommy.
It was so cold last winter…
…I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
There was once a very rich lawyer who owned a large house up in
Washington state. Every summer, he would have a friend come by
for a visit, and this year, he chose a fellow lawyer from the
Czech Republic.
The were having a great time. Every day, they would wake up
early and collect berries for their breakfast, then they would
compare cases they’d worked on, then they might take a walk in
the woods or play a round of golf. But, one day, as they were
picking berries, a male bear and female bear came by. The male
said to his wife “I think the one on the left looks really
tasty.” So, he gobbled up the Czech lawyer whole.
The other lawyer ran to his house and phoned Animal Control and
told them to come over to shoot a bear that had eaten his
friend. They cmae as fast as they could, and the frantic lawyer
told them everything.
“My friend had flown in from the Czech Republic, and he was just
staying here with me, and we were picking berries, when these
bears came by and one of them ate him!”
“Okay, just calm down sir, which bear was it?” asked one of the
Animal Control specialists. “The boy bear!” screamed the lawyer.
So, the specialist took aim, and shot the female bear dead.
“What are you doing? I told you that it was the male bear!”
asked the lawyer.
The Animal Control specialist looked at the lawyer and said
“Yeah, who ever trusts a lawyer when they say the Czech is in
the male?”