Category: lawyers

Two lawyers were planing to go to Hawaii for their 12th anniversery. The lady told her husband that she has to finish her case and would come down in a week. The husband said ok and left for hawaii. It had been a week and the husband was going to email his wife to make sure she was still coming. He forgot her email address and put down what he remembered. An old woman was sitting in her rocker crying because her husband had died 1 week ago and the computer said you’ve got mail, so she clicked on it and she fell to the floor dead. The House keeper ran in and found the woman dead. She didn’t see why the woman died, but she looked on the computer screen and this is what it said” I have been down here for about a week now and it’s really hot down here.I have been waiting for you. Come soon! love you lots! your husband

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.The lawyer replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?”The doctor replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds.”The lawyer looked puzzled.”Gee,” he asked, “how do you start a flood?”

Why does California have the most attorneys, and New Jersey have the most
toxic waste dumps?
New Jersey got first pick.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said “Don’t you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?”I said “I didn’t know there were any witnesses!””Now I’ll have to kill you too.”

There was something funny about the kidnapping crime scene that Special Agent Frievald couldn’t quite place, and the thought stuck with him throughout the rest of the day,like those tiny little bits of the circumferent skin from the bologna slices on a foot-long Subway Cold Cut Trio that get stuck in between the last two molars on the upper left, on the tongue side where you can’t possibly reach them with a toothpick, your fingernails, or even a systematically straightened paper clip, they just sit there and make everything you eat at your next meal taste vaguely like vinegar and mayonnaise, and then somehow –quietly but miraculously — they disappear by themselves in the middle of the night while you’re asleep, just like the visiting Countess appeared to have done

Washington State Attorney Season and Bag Limits
1400.01 General
1.Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest
attorneys.
2.Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted.
3.Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck,
remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4.It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine,
helicopter, or aircraft.
5.It shall be unlawful to out “whiplash”, “ambulance”, or “open bar” for the
purpose of trapping attorneys.
6.It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of Cadillac
dealerships.
7.It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, currency, or staged vehicle accidents
to attract attorneys.
8.It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law
libraries, whorehouses, health spas, ambulances, or hospitals.
9.If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to
hunt, trap, or possess it.
10.Harvested attorneys must have a state health department inspection for
distemper and rabies prior to being stuffed or mounted.
11.It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as an accident victim,
young law clerk, drug dealer, bookie, or sheep for the purpose of attracting and
hunting attorneys.

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways
one day, when they collided at the point where the pathways meet. They
immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the
mishap.
When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus
should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind
since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began
commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.
The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had
never been able to see his reflection in water, and for that reason did not know
exactly what he looked like, or even what he was.
The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could
help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe,
and then try to describe what the other animal was.
The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a
few moments, he announced, “You’ve got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear
feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny
rabbit!”
The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the
favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake’s body for a few minutes, he
asserted, “Well, you’re scaly, you’re slimy, you’ve got beady little eyes, you
squirm and slither all the time, and you’ve got a forked tongue. I think you’re
a lawyer!”

Two Southern belles were having a picnic in a park. The first one says, “See my new diamond ring? My husband bought it for me.”The second one says, “Oh, that’s nice! That’s really, really nice!”The first one says, “And see that shiny new Jaguar parked over there? My husband bought it for me.”The second one says, “Oh, that’s nice! That’s really, really nice!”The first one says, “And you know that big white house at the top of the hill? My husband is gonna buy that for me.”The second one says, “Oh, that’s nice! That’s really, really nice!” The first one says, “Oh my stars, here I am, going on and on about myself! Tell me, what does your husband do for you?”The second one says, “Well, my husband sent me to charm school.”The first one says, “Charm school? Why on earth would he do that?”The second one says, “Because I used to say, ‘Who gives a fuck,’ but now I say, ‘Oh, that’s nice! That’s really, really nice!'”

Polution- a lawyer in the sea.

Solution- all of the lawyers under the sea.

(actual trial)

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.

She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.

She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing.

She had him arrested. When the case came before the court, the young man was as asked why he acted in such a manner.

His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn’t help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read “Coming Soon The Gold Dust Twins”, then she moved under one that read “Sloans Liniments remove Swelling”.

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read “William Stick Did The Trick”.

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read “Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.”

He won the case.

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, “You can�t take it with you.”After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer�s wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash. “Oh, that darned old fool,” she exclaimed. “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.”

A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed “Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man.” The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked “Mommy, why did they bury two men there?”