Category: lawyers

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said “I’m a doctor, I save lives, so I must live,” and jumped out.The lawyer then said, “I’m a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live.” He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.The priest looked at the little boy and said, “My son, I’ve lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace.”The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, “Not to worry, Father. The ‘smartest man in the world’ just took off with my back pack.”

WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS

1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout ‘whiplash’, ‘ambulance’, or ‘free Perrier’ for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, brothels, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies, and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

BAG LIMITS

1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder – 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor – 1
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator – 4
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) – 3
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut – 2
6. Honest Attorney – EXTINCT
7. Cutthroat – 2
8. Back-stabbing Whiner – 2
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser – 2
10.Silver-tongued Drug Defender – $100 BOUNTY

Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Lassie. I called mine Sex. Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said “I would like to have one too” then I said “but this is a dog” He said he didn’t care what she looked like. Then I said “but you don’t understand I have had Sex since I was 9 years old. He replied that I must have been quite a kid.When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk I wanted a room for me and my wife and a separate room for Sex. He said every room in this place is for sex. I said “you don’t understand” Sex keeps me awake all night and the clerk replied “me too”.I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I could have sold tickets for that “but you don’t understand, I hope to have Sex on T.V. He called me a Show off.When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said “Your honor I had sex before we were married” The judge said “me too”. Then I told him that after we were married sex left me. He replied “me too”.Last night Sex ran off again I spent hours looking around for him. A cop came over and asked me “What are you doing wandering around the alley’s at 4:AM”. I replied “I am looking for Sex” My case comes up in court on Friday.

After her conviction of murder in the second degree, the District Attorney,
during her sentencing hearing said, “Mrs. Packard — after you put the arsenic
in the stew and served it to your husband, didn’t you feel even a little remorse
for what you were doing?” “I did,” she said calmly. “And when was that?” quipped
the D.A. “When he asked for seconds!” came the reply.

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco’s Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat.

The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price. “Twelve dollars for the rat, sir,” says the shop owner, “and an extra thousand dollars more for the story behind it.”

“You can keep the story, old man,” he replies, “but, I’ll take the rat.”

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.

Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he’s walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars….following him.

Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the  rats keep up, squealing hideously now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes racing to the water’s edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with with one arm, while he hurls the  bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can throw it.

Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

“Ah sir, you’ve come back for the rest of the story,”  says  the owner.

“No,” says the tourist, “I was just hoping you had a bronze sculpture of a lawyer!”

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.

”Only a shilling to bury an attorney?”, said the Justice, ”Here’s a guinea, go and bury 20 of them.”

A paralegal, an associate and a partner of a prestigious law firm are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the paralegal. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with Brad Pitt.”

Poof! She’s gone.

“Me next! Me next!” says the associate. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other.”

Poof! He’s gone.

“You’re next,” the Genie says to the partner.

The partner says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far away country to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the attorney e-mailed the firm: �Justice prevailed.� The senior partner replied in haste, �Appeal immediately!”

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
Once launched, they cannot be recalled.
When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Seems this elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV.When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old man said,”Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!”

Q. How many lawyer jokes are there?
A. Three…the rest are all true.