Category: lawyers

Attorney: Could that be based on real symptoms, or would it be malingering, or
both?

WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS
1300.01 GENERAL

1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest
attorneys.

2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The
use of currency as bait is prohibited.

3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck,
remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.

4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine,
helicopter, or aircraft.

5. It shall be unlawful to shout “whiplash”, “ambulance”, or “free Perrier”
for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW
dealerships.

7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills,
prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.

8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law
libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.

9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to
hunt, trap, or possess it.

10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department
inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.

11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug
dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax
accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

BAG LIMITS
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2

2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 1

3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4

4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) 3

5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2

6. Honest Attorney EXTINCT

7. Cut-throat 2

8. Back-stabbing Whiner 2

9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2

10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY

11. Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian 7

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren’t:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He is one hard judge!

8. Counselor, let’s do it in chambers.

7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offense?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could. And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn’t:

1. Think you can get me off?

Defense Attorney: “Would you please state your age to the court for the record.”Little Old Lady: “I am 86 years old.”Defense Attorney: “Will you tell us in your own words, what happened to you on the night in question.”Little Old Lady: “There I was sitting on my porch swing on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up the porch stairs and sits down beside me.”Defense Attorney: “Did you know him?”Little Old Lady: “No, but he sure was friendly.”Defense Attorney: “Then what happened after he sat down beside you?”Little Old Lady: “Well, he started to rub my thighs.”Defense Attorney: “Did you stop him?”Little Old Lady: “No, I didn’t.”Defense Lawyer: “Why not?”Little Old Lady: “It felt good. Nobody has done that since my Dan passed away 30 years ago.”Defense Attorney: “Then what happened?”Little Old Lady: “He started to rub my breasts.”Defense Attorney: “Did you stop him then?”Little Old Lady: “No”Defense Attorney: “Why not?”Little Old Lady: “Well your honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I hadn’t felt that good in years.”Defense Attorney: “What happened next?”Little Old Lady: “Well, I started to feel so spicy that I said to him, “Take me young man”.Defense Attorney: “And did he take you?”Little Old Lady: “No. That’s when he yelled April Fool!.. And that’s when I shot him.”

A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer.

I know, he says, they say ‘you can’t take it with you.’ But who knows? Suppose they’re mistaken. I’d like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it’s useful, I’ll have something.

They each agree to carry out his wish.

Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin.

After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, -Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven’t be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend’s money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked.

At this the priest says, I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as out friend requested.

Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says, I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars.

There was a man who bught a cigar. He went to his lawyer to have it insured against fire damage. The insurance company was outraged, so they took him to court, but the man won. So they insured the cigar against fire damage. A few days later, the man lit the cigar and smoked it. When he went to collect the insurance money, because the cigar had, of course, burnt down, they insurance company took him to court again. They won and had him sued, for arson.

Top ten things that sound dirty in law but aren’t: 10. Have you looked through her briefs? 9. He is one hard judge!8. Counselor, let’s do it in chambers. 7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute. 6. Is it a penal offense?5. Better leave the handcuffs on.4. For $200 an hour, she better be good! 3. Can you get him to drop his suit?2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could. And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn’t: Think you can get me off?

A man goes into the doctor’s office feeling really bad. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says “I have some bad news. You have HAGS.” “What is HAGS” the man asks.”It’s herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis” says the doctor.”Oh my God” says the man. “What are you going to do?””We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza.””Is that going to help me” says the man.”No” says the doctor. “But it’s the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door”

For 3 years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn.

The last time he’d finally managed an affair with the innkeeper’s daughter.

Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

“Helen, why didn’t you write when you learned you were pregnant?” he cried. “I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!”

“Well,” she said, “when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin’ and talkin’ and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.”

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trashcan they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action. The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, “You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I’ll give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around every day and do your thing.” The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. “This recession’s really putting a big dent in my income,” he told them. “From now on, I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.” The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. “Look,” he said, “I haven’t received my Social Security check yet, so I’m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?” “Only a quarter?” the drum leader exclaimed. “If you think we’re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you’re nuts!” “No way, dude. We quit!” And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

An attorney ran over to the office of his client. ”I can’t believe it!” said the angered attorney, ”You sent a case of Dom Perignon to the judge in your case? That judge is as straight as an arrow. Now we’re certain to lose this case!”

”Relax,” said the client, ”I sent it in the prosecutor’s name.”

A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question: “Have you ever been arrested?”He answered no to the question.The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question with a yes, was “why?” Nevertheless, the lawyer answered it “Never got caught.”