Category: lawyers

Judge: Are you defending yourself?

Defendant: Yes, your Honor.

Judge: You know that if you cannot afford it, the State may appoint you a lawyer.

Defendant: I know, your Honor, but I don’t want one. I plan to tell the truth.

A German, Englishman and American are traveling on a train. They get bored and start telling each other about their families. The German says, “I have 4 kids, one more and they’ll make a basketball team.”The Englishman says, “Huh! That’s nothing I have 10 boys; one more and I’ll be the world-champion soccer-team’s coach.”The American starts laughing. He says, “I’ve had 17 wives and no kids! But one more wife and I’ll open a golf course!”

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

“My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.”

“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.”

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, “Do you think there’s baseball in heaven?”Soloman thinks about it for a minute and replies, “I dunno, Abe. But let’s make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you — and if you die first, you come back and tell me — if there is baseball in heaven.”They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, “Sol… Sol….”Sol responds, “Abe! Is that you?””Yes it is Sol,” whispers the spirit of Abe.Sol, still amazed, asks, “So, is there baseball in heaven?””Well,” says Abe says, “I got good news and I got bad news.””Gimme the good news first,” says Sol.Abe says, “Well… there is baseball in heaven.”Sol says, “That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?”Abe sighs and whispers, “You’re pitching on Friday.”

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re in the wrong place.”

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After awhile, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”

Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”

Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”

God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating
guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the
lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a
trick.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the
lawyer said as he looked at his watch. “Within one minute, the person
presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.” He looked
toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on
eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But
you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have
a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist
that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later,
the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

“But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all
of you stare at the door.”

The jury foreman replied, “Oh, we did look, but your client didn’t.”

Q: What’s the difference between a road-killed deer and a road-killed lawyer?

A: There’s skid marks in front of the deer!

The most successful lawyer in town had never made a contribution to the Red Cross. The chairman of the Red Cross, Mr. Wilson, called on the lawyer, hoping to convince him to make a donation.

“You made over $600,000 last year but you haven’t given anything back to the community. How do you reconcile that?”

The lawyer sighed, leaned forward and said, “If you only knew…

My mother is terminally ill; her medical bills far exceed her income.
My brother is a disabled veteran, blind and in a wheelchair.
My sister is raising three children alone since her husband died in an auto accident.”

Mr. Wilson offered his sympathy, admitting he had no idea there were so many demands on the lawyer’s profits.

The lawyer nodded and said, “Exactly…
Why should I give to the Red Cross when I don’t even give to my own family!”

Why does New Jersey have more landfills, and California have more lawyers?

New Jersey had first pick.

A dusty cowboy rides up to the saloon on his horse, gets off and ties it to the hitching post, then slaps the dust off his jacket and chaps. He walks around to the back of the horse, puckers up his lips and kisses the horse directly on the asshole. He then walks into the saloon, walks up to the bar and says to the bartender “Whiskey!”The bartender pours him a glass of whiskey and says to the cowpoke “Say there pardner, I noticed when you got off your horse you went behind it and kissed it right on the asshole. Why’d you do that?”The cowpoke replies “Chapped lips.””Chapped lips?” asks the bartender, “Is that a cure for chapped lips?” “No” says the cowpoke, “but it sure’s hell stops you from lickin’ ’em.”

Two lawyers were in a coffee shop talking. One of the lawyers names was Thomas Strange. After a while their conversation became rather morbid, and they started to started to talk about what they were going to have on their tomb stones. Thomas said the he wasn’t going to have his name put on his tomb stone, instead he was going have “Here lies the body of an honest lawyer!!!” “Why are you going to have that?” asked his friend.”Well”, said Thomas, “When people are walking through the cemetery, and they see…Here lies the body of an honest lawyer. They will say “Oh…That’s Strange”.

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was
constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the
doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated
doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you
for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”

“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still
feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to
place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.