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A man walked into a bar, leading an alligator by a leash.
He asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Sure do,” said the bartender.
“Good,” replied the man. “Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my ‘gator.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute’s terms.When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.The man shouted, “What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there.”The prostitute snapped back, “What do you want to do, knit or have sex?”
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer–you’re in the wrong place.” So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?” Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.” God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake! He should never have gotten down there; send him up here.” Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.” God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.” Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”
Two lions were lying around in the jungle. One of them his licking his asshole.The other lion asked him, “Why are you licking your asshole?”The second lion replied, “Aww, I just ate a lawyer and I’m trying to get the taste out of my mouth.”
Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team�s response times. �Since we installed our new satellite navigation system,� bragged one, �we�ve cut our emergency response time by ten percent.�
�Not bad,� the second paramedic commented. �But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we we cut our average time by 20 percent.�
�That�s nothing said the third paramedic. �Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we�ve cut our emergency response time in half!�
Why do people love to tell lawyer jokes? There is something about this respected profession that commands our disrespect. One must always be careful about offending lawyers, of course, because you wouldn’t want to face one in court. Or would you? Here are some actual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses in the court room. Perhaps they ain’t so bright after all….
1. “Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”
2. “The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?”
3. “Were you present when your picture was taken?”
4. Q: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”
A: “No.”
Q: “Did you check for blood pressure?”
A: “No.”
Q: “Did you check for breathing?”
A: “No.”
Q: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”
A: “No.”
Q: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”
A: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”
Q: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”
A: “It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.”
5. “Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?”
6. “Did he kill you?”
7. “How far apapt were the vehicles at the time of the collision?”
8. “You were there until the time you left, is that true?”
9. “How many times have you committed suicide?”
10. Q: “So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?”
A: “Yes.”
Q: “And what were you doing at that time?”
11. Q: “She had three children, right?”
A: “Yes.”
Q: “How many were boys?”
A: “None.”
Q: “Were there any girls?”
12. Q: “You say the stairs went down to the basement?”
A: “Yes.”
Q: “And these stairs, did they go up also?”
13. Q: “Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?”
A: “I went to Europe, Sir.”
Q: “And you took your new wife?”
14. Q: “How was your first marriage terminated?”
A: “By death.”
Q: “And by who’s death was it terminated?”
15. Q: “Can you describe the individual?”
A: “He was about medium height and had a beard.”
Q: “Was this a male, or a female?”
16. Q: “Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?”
A: “No, this is how I dress when I go to work.”
17. Q: “Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?”
A: “All my autopsies are performed on dead people.”
18. Q: “All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?”
A: “Oral.”
19. Q: “Do you recall the time that you examined the body?”
A: “The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..”
Q: “And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?”
A: “No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.”
20. Q: “Are you qualified to give a urine sample?”
A: “I have been since early childhood.
what is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One is a scum sucking bottom dewler and the other is a fish.
Q: Why did they throw the tall basketball player out of the nudist colony?
A: He kept sticking his business in other people’s noses!
“Everybody in my family follows the medical profession. They’re all lawyers.”
Did you hear that the post office had to recall a recent stamp release?
The stamps had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.
Submitted Curtis
Edited by Glaci
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he’s doing.
“I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine’s Day cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”
“But why?” asks the man.
“I’m a divorce lawyer.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor !
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by curtis