Category: lawyers

Q: How come you can’t find lawyers sunbathing on the beach?
A: Cats keep covering them over with sand.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a tick?
A tick drops off you when you die.

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He
is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the
green.

He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,
“Ribbit. 9 Iron.” The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone.
“Ribbit. 9 Iron.” He looks at the frog and decides to prove the
frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the
frog, “Wow that’s amazing.”

You must be a lucky frog, eh?” The frog replys “Ribbit. Lucky
frog.”

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
“What do you think frog?” The man asks.

“Ribbit. 3 wood.” The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in
one. The man is befuddled and doesn’t know what to say. By the
end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life
and asks the frog, “OK where to next?” The frog reply, “Ribbit.
Las Vegas.”

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, “OK frog, now what?” The
frog says, “Ribbit Roulette.” Upon approaching the roulette
table, the man asks, “What do you think I should bet?” The frog
replies, “Ribbit. $3000, black 6.”

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf
game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes
sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and
buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says,
“Frog, I don’t know how to repay you. You’ve won me all this
money and I am forever grateful.”

The frog replies, “Ribbit, Kiss Me.” He figures why not, since
after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the
frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

“And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.”

> > > A small town prosecuting attorney called his first > > > witness to the stand in > > > a trial – a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He > > > approached her and asked, “Ms. > > > Jones, do you know me? > > > “She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you Mr. > > > Williams. I’ve known you since > > > you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big > > > disappointment to me. > > > You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate > > > people and talk about > > > them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising > > > big shot when you > > > haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount > > > to anything more than a > > > two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.” > > > > > > The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, > > > he pointed across the > > > room and asked, “Ms. Williams, do you know the > > > defense attorney?” She > > > again replied, “Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. > > > Bradley since he was a > > > youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his > > > parents. And he, too, has > > > been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, > > > bigoted, and has a > > > drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal > > > relationship with anyone and > > > his law practice is one of the worst in the entire > > > state. Not to mention he > > > cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, > > > I know him.” The > > > defense attorney was also surprised and shocked. > > > > > > At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to > > > silence and called both > > > counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he > > > said with menace, “If > > > either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, > > > you’ll be jailed for > > > contempt!”

As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, “Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?”

“There’s a big fire across the street,” the doctor replied. “We didn’t want you to think the operation was a failure.”

A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer’s office and asks, “if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?”

The lawyer answers, “Absolutely.”

“Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.”

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 Several days later the butcher opens the mail and finds a bill from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.

One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.Johnny’s father said, “Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas.”Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again.The father said, “Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time.”Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.The boy said, “Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if I’ll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!”

Q:What was thelawyers daughters name
A:SUE

Three lawyers and three engineers were traveling by train to the same meeting. At the station, the lawyers each buy a ticket but the engineers buy just one. When asked why, the engineers coyly said “You’ll see.”

They all board the train, the lawyers taking seats, but the three engineers all crowding into the bathroom. After the train has left, the conductor comes around and takes the lawyers tickets and knocks on the bathroom door and says, “Ticket Please.” An arm stretches out from the bathroom and the conductor takes the proffered ticket. The lawyers were very impressed.

On the return trip, the lawyers proposed to emulate the gearheads and bought only one ticket. To their amazement, the engineers bought no ticket at all. When asked, the engineers said, “You’ll see.”

All board the train and the lawyers and engineers cram into seperate bathrooms to await the conductor. After a few minutes, one of the gearheads emerges from the bathroom, goes over to the lawyers bathroom, knocks on the door and says: “Ticket please.”

It had promised to be a sensational divorce case, with the wife accused of incredible escapades. Testifying before her own attorney, she projected an image of sweet innocence, told a tale of wifely fidelity and sacrifice, and was quite believable.

When it was time for cross-examination though, the husband’s lawyer arose and said, “Isn’t it true that on the night of June 12, in a driving rainstorm, you had sexual intercourse with a certain circus midget on the handle bars of a careening motorcycle as it raced across a private golf course reaching speeds in excess of seventy-five miles per hour?”

She turned pale but retained her remarkable self-control and composure.

Her voice was almost serene in its innocence as she asked, “What was that date again ?”

A man walked into a bar, leading an alligator by a leash.

He asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?”

“Sure do,” said the bartender.

“Good,” replied the man. “Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my ‘gator.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci