Category: lawyers

I was wondering if anyone else is having a problem with the Carbon Based Unit, Model # Homo Sapiens.

The following is a list of constant problems:

– A constant whining whenever the brain disengages after debating the virtues of the automobile selection process

– Overheats when the air/gray matter ratio exceeds rational equilibrium in regard to ones own responsibility to auto maintenance

– When mouth is placed in gear, makes loud noise whilst insulting the the auto professional. (see previous item)

– Software controlling the “computer” is defective..wild random responses to input stimuli (i.e. “Have you checked the oil..?”)

– Motor controls are sluggish (i.e. response to traffic light stimuli and expected law abiding response)

– Mouth continues to run long after brain has shut off

– Touts superior performance, but functions do not perform as advertised

– Lifetime warranty is a misnomer. Cannot get problems fixed under any policy

– Model not eligible for trade in or replacement under Lemon Law

I have attempted to contact the manufacturer of this model regarding these issues, but I have received no response. I can only assume that this creator does not stand by the product in question.

Therefore, I am directing my attorney to file a Class Action suit on behalf of myself and my family. The basis for this suit is that the manufacturer did knowingly produce a defective product.

Interested parties make contact my attorney:

U. B. Taken
1-800-Get-Away

or write:

7734 Geton Withit Ave.
Getalife, Hades 12345-678

A man in a bar stands up and says, “All Lawyers are ASSHOLES!” At the
front of the bar another man stands up and says, “Hey! I resent that!” The
first man replies, “Why are you a lawyer?” “NO! I’m an asshole!”

A man walks into a bar with an alligator.

“Do you serve lawyers in here?”, the man inquires.

“Sure do!”, replied the bartender.

“Great!”, the man said. “I’ll have a Coors Light, and how ’bout a lawyer for my ‘gator.”

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough
to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court,
the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

“Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?”

”Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie
into the–”

”I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted. ”Just answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?”

”Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the
road–”

”Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident,
this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now
several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is
a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.” By this time the Judge
was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and told the lawyer so.

”Well,” said the farmer, “as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my
favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this
huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the
side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was
hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ol’ Bessie
moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear
Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he
took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across
the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, ‘Your mule was in
such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'”

What’s black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A doberman pinscher.

The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding.Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.

The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, ol’ St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until the end of time..) “Hot Dang”, the Pope says to His-self, “If he’s getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!”. They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best. The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out “Hey Pete! What’s the deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?” Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replys: “Look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We’re putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he’s the first (non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!!”

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off of you when you die.

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their
clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the
same service.

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in
sand?
Not enough sand.

What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
Once launched, they cannot be recalled.
When they land, they screw up everything forever.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest
stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them … and people couldn’t
figure out which side to spit on.

Lawyer’s creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

What’s the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
Lipstick.

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
Skeet.

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked
lawyer?
Chelsea.

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to
hit him?
It might be your bicycle.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk
are walking down the street together when they simultaneously
spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

It was so cold last winter … (How cold was it?)
…. I was so cold that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own
pockets.

A man walked into a lawyer’s office and inquired about the
lawyer’s rates.
“$50 for three questions”, replied the lawyer.
“Isn’t that awfully steep” asked the man?
“Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what was your third question?”

For years, the young attorney had been taking vacations at a
country inn. The last time he’d finally managed an affair with
the innkeeper’s daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few
days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then
stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
“Helen, why didn’t you write when you learned you were
pregnant?” he cried.
“I would have rushed up here,we could have gotten married, and
the baby would have my name!”
“Well,” she said, “when my folks found out about my condition,
we sat up all night talking and talking, and decided it would be
better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.”

You’re trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a
lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

A man is convicted of murdering a woman. The man then goes to a
lawyer and asks how much it would be to support his case. “Five
hundred dollars!” “Five Hundred dollars? I don’t have that much
money! Is there anyway you can lower the price?” “Well,” says
the lawyer, “I have one glass eye. Tell me which eye is the
glass one and I’ll support your case for free.” Immediately the
man says, “The left eye.” “Wow!” goes the lawyer, “How did you
know?” The man then replies, “It’s the one with the kind
expression.”

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:”Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?””Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.””What sort of trouble?””Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.””Went away?””They disappeared.””Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?””Nothing.””Nothing?””It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.””Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?””How do I tell?””Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?””What’s a sea-prompt?””Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?””There isn’t any cursor, I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.””Does your monitor have a power indicator?””What’s a monitor?””It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?””I don’t know.””Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?””Yes, I think so.””Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.””…….Yes, it is.””When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?””No.””Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.””…….Okay, here it is.””Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.””I can’t reach.””Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?””No.””Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?””Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle – it’s because it’s dark.””Dark?””Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.””Well, turn on the office light then.””I can’t.””No? Why not?””Because there’s a power outage.””A power… A power outage? Ah, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?””Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.””Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.””Really? Is it that bad?””Yes, I’m afraid it is.””Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?””Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.”

“Criminal lawer” is a redundancy!

Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, “Is it true they’re suing the
cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?”

“Yes, Bubba, sure is true.” responded the lawyer.

“And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and
clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister
lawyer?

“Sure is Bubba. But why are you asking?

“Cause what I wanna know is, I was thinkin’, “can I sue Budweiser for all the
ugly women I’ve slept with ?”