Category: lawyers

The defendant who pleads his own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.

Q: What’s black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman pinscher.

Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?
A: Because they’re used to doing all of their lying indoors.

A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks stated to no one in particular, “Lawyers are horses’ asses.”
Hearing this, one of the locals spoke up: “Mister, watch what you say. You’re in horse country.”

Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won’t do.

Cindy asked an old friend to go out for a drink with her after work. “I don’t understand,” Cindy complained. “When people find out I’m a lawyer, they take an instant dislike to me. Why would they do that?” Her friend appeared to think for a moment and then suggested, “Maybe it just saves time.”

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. “Look,” said one to the other, “Let’s be honest with each other.”
“Okay, you first,” replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.”

As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, “Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?”
“There’s a big fire across the street,” the doctor replied. “We didn’t want you to think the operation was a failure.”

“Your Honor, in the first place, as they say, I am going to say it. I was going to say what you said and the reason I am going to say it, is not because you just said it. If you had not said it, I was going to say it first.” You have just witnessed a lawyer speaking to a judge.

Q: What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement
A: A whine cellar.

Q: Why is an avocado like a lawyer? (both are “avocat” in French)
A: Both have hearts like stones.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled. And when they land, they screw up everything forever.

A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and
steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer’s office and asks, “if a dog running
unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand
payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?” The lawyer answers, “Absolutely.”

“Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.”

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys
don’t carry cash — it’s too plebeian — and the butcher hadn’t brought the
shop’s credit card imprinter to the lawyer’s office].

Several periods of time later — it could be the next day but that would be
unrealistic — the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer:
$20 due for a consultation.

A doctor, a lawyer, and an architect were arguing about who had the smartest dog.

They decided to settle the issue by getting all the dogs together and seeing whose could perform the most impressive feat.

“Okay, Rover,” ordered the architect, and Rover trotted over to a table and in four minutes constructed a complete scale model of a cathedral out of toothpicks.

The architect slipped Rover a cookie, and everyone agreed that it was a pretty impressive performance.

“Hit it, Spot,” commanded the doctor. Spot lost no time in performing an emergency Caesarean on a cow.

Three minutes later the proud mother of a healthy little heifer was all sewed up and doing fine.

Not bad, conceded the onlookers, and Spot got a cookie from the doctor.

“Your turn, Fella,” said the lawyer. Fella went over and screwed the other two dogs, took their cookies, and went out to lunch.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client’s jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state. The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict. When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way. “Sure did,” the juror replied, “the other eleven wanted to acquit.”

Why does the law prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

Q: Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
A: It’s called, Sosumi.

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

“My name is Billy. What’s yours?” asked the first boy.

“Tommy,” replied the second.

“My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?” asked Billy.

Tommy replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.”

“Honest?” asked Billy.

“No, just the regular kind”, replied Tommy.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bag of fertilizer?

One’s a bag of crap, and the other’s fertilizer.

A man walking along the beach one day finds a bottle. He rubs it and, sure
enough, out popped a genie. “I will grant you three wishes,” said the genie.
“But there is a catch.” “What catch?” the man asked. The genie replied, “Every
time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive double the wish you
were granted.” “Well, I can live with that! No problem!” replied the elated man.
“What is your first wish?” asked the genie. “Well, I’ve always wanted a
Ferrari!” POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. “Now every lawyer in the
world has TWO Ferraris,” said the genie. “Next wish?” “I’d love a million
dollars,” replied the man. POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet. “Now
every lawyer in the world has TWO million dollars,” said the genie. “Well,
that’s okay, as long as I’ve got my million,” replied the man. “What is your
third and final wish?” The man thought long and hard, and finally said, “Well,
you know, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney!”

Katz’s Law:
Men and women will act rationally towards each other only after all other possibilities have been exhausted.

Churchill’s Commentary on Man:
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.

Sattinger’s Law:
It works better if you plug it in.

Cahn’s Axiom (aka Alien’s Axiom):
When all else fails, read the instructions.

Beckhap’s Law:
Beauty times brains equals a constant.

Cole’s Axiom:
The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.

Jone’s Motto:
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.

The Ultimate Law:
All general statements are false.

Knight’s Law:
Life is what happens to you when you’re making other plans.

Krueger’s Observation:
A taxpayer is someone who does not have to take a civil service exam in order to work for the government.

Benchley’s Law of Distinction:
There are two kinds of people in the world; those who believe there are two kinds of people and those who don’t.

Harver’s Law:
A drunken man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.

Rule of Accuracy:
When working towards the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.

Finagle’s First Law:
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

Finagle’s Third Law:
In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.

Rudin’s Law:
In crises that force people to choose among alternative courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible.

Ginsberg’s Restatement of the Three Laws of Thermodynamics:
You can’t win.
You can’t break even.
You can’t quit.

Quantized Revision of Murphy’s Law:
Everything goes wrong all at once.

O’Toole’s Commentary:
Murphy was an optimist.

Murphy’s Constant:
Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.

Firestone’s Law of Forecasting:
Chicken Little only has to be right once.

Ralph’s Observation:
It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize you are in a hurry.

Murphy’s 3rd Military Law:
Friendly fire ain’t.

Murphy’s 4th Military Law:
The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.

Murphy’s 5th Military Law:
The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.

Murphy’s 6th Military Law:
The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.

Murphy’s 7th Military Law:
The farther you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.

Murphy’s 8th Military Law:
Incoming fire has the right of way.

Murphy’s 9th Military Law:
If your advance is going well, you’re walking into an ambush.

Murphy’s 10th Military Law:
The quartermaster only has two sizes, too large and too small.

Murphy’s 11th Military Law:
If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.

Murphy’s 13th Military Law:
The only thing more accurate than incoming fire is incoming friendly fire.

Clarke’s Third Law:
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

Weiler’s Law:
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.

Peter’s Placebo:
An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.

Zymurgy’s Law of Volunteer Labour:
People are always available for work in the past tense.

Grossman’s Misquote:
Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand wrong answers.

Ducharme’s Precept:
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

Perkin’s Postulate:
The bigger they are, the harder they hit.

Conway’s Law:
In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.

Stewart’s Law of Retroaction:
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

Horngren’s Observation (generalized):
The real world is a special case.

Shirley’s Law:
Most people deserve each other.

Gold’s Law:
If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.

Colson’s Law:
When you’ve got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

Comin’s Law:
People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.

Mencken’s Metalaw:
For every human problem there is a neat, simple solution; and it is always wrong.

Sevareid’s Law:
The chief cause of problems is solutions.

Thoreau’s Law:
If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intention of doing you good, you should run for your life.

Gerrold’s Pronouncement:
The difference between a politician and a snail is that a snail leaves its slime behind.

Hane’s Law:
There is no limit to how bad things can get.

Alan’s Law:
All things being equal, you lose.

What educational programs should the United States support to alleviate the burgeoning US-Japan trade imbalance?

Japanese language lessons for lawyers.

An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.

“As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.” She leaned forward. “Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?”

“Honest?” replied the job prospect. “Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I’m so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.”

“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, “He sued me for the money.”