Category: lawyers

A judge, bored and frustrated by a lawyer’s tedious arguments, had made
numerous rulings to speed the trial along. The attorney had bristled at the
judge’s orders, and their tempers grew hot. Finally, frustrated with another
repetition of arguments he had heard many times before, the judge pointed to his
ear and said, “Counselor, you should be aware that at this point, what you are
saying is just going in one ear and out the other.””Your honor,” replied the
lawyer, “That goes without saying. What is there to prevent it?”

> > > A small town prosecuting attorney called his first > > > witness to the stand in > > > a trial – a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He > > > approached her and asked, “Ms. > > > Jones, do you know me? > > > “She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you Mr. > > > Williams. I’ve known you since > > > you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big > > > disappointment to me. > > > You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate > > > people and talk about > > > them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising > > > big shot when you > > > haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount > > > to anything more than a > > > two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”> > > > > > The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, > > > he pointed across the > > > room and asked, “Ms. Williams, do you know the > > > defense attorney?”She > > > again replied, “Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. > > > Bradley since he was a > > > youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his > > > parents. And he, too, has > > > been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, > > > bigoted, and has a > > > drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal > > > relationship with anyone and > > > his law practice is one of the worst in the entire > > > state. Not to mention he > > > cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, > > > I know him.”The > > > defense attorney was also surprised and shocked. > > > > > > At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to > > > silence and called both > > > counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he > > > said with menace, “If > > > either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, > > > you’ll be jailed for > > > contempt!”

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, “I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners.”

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, “So, what’s the catch?”

Q: Why are lawyers buried 10 feet underground?
A: Because deep down, they’re really not that bad!

Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery.

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position
as chief executive officer of a large corporation.
The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions,
ending with “How much is two plus two?” The engineer excused himself, and made a
series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and
announcing, “Four.”
The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before
answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a
great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of
Standards and many calculations, he also announced “Four.”
The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end
of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in
the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the
telephone for listening devices, and asked “How much do you want it to be?”

A surgeon, an architect an a lawyer are having a heated barroom discussion concerning which of their professions is actually the oldest profession.

The surgeon says, “Surgery is the oldest profession. God took a rib from Adam to create Eve and you can’t go back further than that.”

The architect says, “Hold on! In fact, God was the first architect, when he created the world out of chaos in 7 days, and you can’t go back any further than that!”

The lawyer puffs his cigar and says, “Gentlemen, Gentlemen…who do you think created the CHAOS?”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality.”I know a great trial lawyer,” the fellow said, “but he’s expensive and doesn’t know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer,” he continued, “who’s not a great trial lawyer, but he’s cheap and really knows how to pick a jury.”The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbour, began his testimony.”I saw Jed mount his goat from behind,” he said, “and when he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jed’s pecker.”The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, “You know, a good goat will do that.”

An anxious woman goes to her doctor.

“Doctor,” she asks nervously, “can you get pregnant from anal sex?”

“Certainly,” replies the doctor, “Where do you think lawyers come from!”

One day at a trial, an eminent psychologist was called to testify. A severe no nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair unaware that it’s rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform.

“Will you state your name?” asked the district attorney.

Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment.

Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.

“Well, doctor,” continued the district attorney without changing expression, “we could start with an easier question.”

Clinton is out jogging around in some of the seedier areas of Washington D.C. He notices a good looking prostitute. She sees this and calls out: “Fifty dollars!” He is tempted, but the price is a little high. So he calls back: “Five!” She is disappointed and turns away and Bill continues his jog.A few days later, he finds himself jogging in the same area and as luck would have it, the prostitute is still there. But she want not come down on her price. “Fifty!” she shouts and Bill answers her: “Five!” No sale. About a week later, Hillary has decided that she wants to get into shape so she demands to go jogging with Bill. They get to the seedy part of town and the same prostitute is still there. She eyes Bill and Hillary together and yells: “See what you get for five dollars!”

One day a Pope and a lawyer die. They arrive at the Pearly Gates together and are ushered in. Angel Gabriel accompanies them with much fanfare on his trumpet.

Gabriel leads the two along a huge corridor lined with doors. After a while he stops at one of the doors and opens it. He tells the Pope, ”this is your room, I hope it is satisfactory”. The Pope sees that the room has a bed, chair, desk and a small radio/TV.

Gabriel then leads the lawyer to the end of the hall, and stops at a huge double-doorway. He opens the massive door and the lawyer is stunned to see a kingsize waterbed, a pool table, a massive home entertainment unit and a well stocked wine bar. The lawyer gasped when told that this was his room. ”There must be some mistake!” exclaimed the lawyer. ”Surely a room so grand as this would be reserved for someone like the Pope”.

Angel Gabriel turned to the lawyer and said, ”Oh,no, there is no mistake. We have dozens of Popes. But you are our first lawyer!!”