Category: lawyers

What is the diffrence between a blonde and a lawyer?

The blonde stops screwing you when you’re dead!

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case.

”Look,” said one, ”let’s be honest with each other.”

”Okay, you first,” replied the other.

That was the end of the discussion.

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all die and go to
Heaven. St. Peter’s there and was having a bad day since heaven was
getting crowded When they get to the gate, St. Peter informed them that
there will be a test to get into Heaven: they each will have to answer a
single question.

To the teacher, he says, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into
the Iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?”

The teacher thinks for a sec, and then replies: “That would have been the
Titanic, right?” St. Peter lets him through the gate.

St. Peter turns to the Garbage man, and, figuring that Heaven doesn’t
REALLY need all the stink that this guy would bring into heaven, decides
to make the question a little harder: “How many people died on the ship?”

The garbage man guesses: “1228” “That happens to be right. Go ahead.”

St. Peter turns to the Lawyer: “Name them.”

After my 11 year old son did something really dumb, I called him a “moron.” He looked at he like he was saying,”Dad, do you know anything?”He finally said “Dad I looked ‘moron’ up in the dictionary and the definition of it is ‘a person who has the intelligence of a 12 year old.’ Thanks Dad, you just gave me a compliment!”

A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. “Here lies an honest man and a lawyer,” responded the lawyer. “Sorry, but I can’t do that,” replied the stonecutter. “In this state, it’s against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put `here lies an honest lawyer’.” “But that won’t let people know who it is!” protested the lawyer. “Sure it will,” retorted the stonecutter. “People will read it and exclaim, “That’s impossible!”

Two law partners were walking down the street one day and agreed that the
first one to die would come back and help the other from beyond. As it
turned out, the older of the two did in fact die a couple of weeks later
and that left the younger lawyer all alone and very discouraged. He waited
and waited and his partner never showed any signs of contacting him. Then,
after about two months, a friend suggested he go visit a clairvoyant and
maybe receive the help he needed. The younger lawyer summoned up as much
courage as he could and found the address. After walking down a seemingly
never ending set of steps and rapping the brass knocker a couple of times,
the door opened and through a screen of dangling beads, he saw a little
old lady sitting at a table with a crystal ball in front of her. “Can you
help me please?” he said. “My partner just recently died and I would very
much like to get in contact with him.” To which the woman responded, “for
50 dollars you can talk to your partner, but he won’t be able to talk to
you. For 100 dollars, he will be able to talk to you, but not you to him.
And for 200 dollars, you will both be able to talk to each other while I’m
drinking a glass of water.”

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was
approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.The doctor
mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked, “How do you
handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social
function?””Just send a bill for such advice” replied the lawyer.On the next
morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a
$50 bill. That afternoon he received a $100 bill from the lawyer.

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial which went like this:

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?

A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A: Yes sir, with my life.

Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer–do you have a locker room in the police station–a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A: Yes sir, we do.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?

A: Yes sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?

A: Yes sir.

Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?

A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to
the stand in a trial–a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He
approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I’ve known
you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You
think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the brains to
realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed
across the room and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the
defense attorney?”

She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since
he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents.
And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy,
bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal
relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the
shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.”

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and
called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he
said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows me,
you’ll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!”

A bored truck driver had a nasty habit of swerving to hit attorneys he found walking along side of the highway. One day as he was driving along he came across a Nun who appeared to be having car trouble. Pulling over to offer the Nun a ride to the nearest service station, the Nun graciously thanked the driver for stopping and accepted his offer. After driving a few miles the truck driver saw an attorney walking along the highway. As was his custom, the truck driver swerved to hit the attorney but, at the last moment, remembered he had the Nun as a passenger and abruptly swerved away to avoid hitting the attorney. Surprised upon hearing a loud ‘thump’ as he passed the attorney, the truck driver peered in his rear view only to see the attorney lying injured along side of the road. “I’m so sorry Sister, I thought I missed hitting that attorney!” the truck driver plead. “You did my son, but I got him with the door!” gleed the Nun.

A man calls his lawyers office. When the receptionist answers the phone he asks to speak to Mr. Taylor, his lawyer.

The receptionist replies, “I’m sorry, but Mr. Taylor died last week.”
The man says nothing and hangs up the phone.

The next day he calls the office and again asks for Mr. Taylor.
The receptionist says, “Sir, I told you yesterday that Mr. Taylor has died.”
The man again says nothing and hangs up the phone.

The next day he calls the office again and asks for his lawyer.
The receptionist gets angry and says “Sir, I have told you for two days that Mr. Taylor has passed away. Why do you continue to call?”

The man then answers “I like hearing good news when I call my lawyers office.”

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk’s shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, “Father, what causes arthritis?””Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man,” the priest replied.”Imagine that,” the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?””I don’t have arthritis, Father,” the drunk said, “but I just read in the paper that the Pope does!”