Category: lawyers

A lawyer is walking down the street, and he accidentally steps in a pile of dog poop.

A few seconds later he happens to be looking down at his feet, and he notices it dripping from his shoe. He screams, “Aaahhhh! I’m melting!”

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, “I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, and the souls of all your friends and law partners.”
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, “So, what’s the catch?”

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury aquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.”Your honor,” he said, “I wanna get out a warrent for that dirty lawyer of mine.””Why ?” asked the judge. “He won your aquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?””Well, your honor,” replied Carlson, “I didn’t have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole.”

A young attorney, ‘who had taken over his father’s practice’, rushed home elated one night. “Dad, listen,” he shouted, “I’ve finally settled that old McKinney suit.”

“Settled it!!” cried his astonished father.

“Why, I gave that to you as an annuity for life.”

What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start!

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.

A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing with the chimp.”I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no children; so he’s going to live with us just like one of the family.He’ll eat at the same table with us. He’ll even sleep in the same bed with me and my wife.””But what about the smell?” the friend asked.”Oh, he’ll just have to get used to it, the same way I did.”

How many contract lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
WHEREAS, the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer”, and the
party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb”, do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall
be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform
previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise
illumination of the area ranging from the front (North) door, through the
entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated
by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option
of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the
aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal
transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
Section 1. The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other
means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate
the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter clockwise direction, this
point being non-negotiable.
Section 2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light
Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (“Receptacle”), the
party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party
of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable
federal, state and local statutes.
Section 3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of
the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the
party of the fourth part (“New Light Bulb”). This installation shall occur in a
manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step Section 1
of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur
in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the
party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the
objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth
part, also known as the “Partnership.”

1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape.5. When using the ceiling fan as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.6. The glass in windows – even double pane – cannot stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh,” it’s already too late.8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.9. A young child can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.10. Small Legos will successfully pass through the digestive tract of a six-year-old.11. “Play-Doh” and “microwave” should never be used in the same sentence.12. Super glue is permanent.13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can’t walk on water.14. VCRs will not spontaneously eject PB&J sandwiches15. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.16. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise in a moving car.17. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.18. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not taste or smell better baked.19. The spin cycle on the washing machine does make earthworms squirm.20. Making a cat dizzy will cause it to spit up twice its body weight.

What is the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead lawyers in the road? There are skid marks in front of the snake.

One day an engineer died and went to hell. He made all of these wonderful things like fans, escalators, and other great stuff. One day God saw all of the stuff down in hell and said ,”Devil, where the hell did you get those things?” The devil said, “We have an engineer down here and he made all of this stuff and you can’t do a thing about it!” God screamed, “Oh yeah?! Well I’ll sue!”The devil said “Go ahead, but where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”

A guy from Czechslovakia was visiting his cousin the lawyer in California, and they went for a hike in Yellowstone Park. While they were hiking they were attacked by 2 bears, one male and one female. The male bear dismembered and ate the Czechslovakian guy, but the lawyer managed to escape. He ran straight to the nearest Rangers station, and told them what had happened, and they sent out a group of rangers to see what was going on. Sure enough, the Rangers arrived at the place that the lawyer mentioned, and there were the female and the male bears. So one of the Rangers took his rifle and shot the female. The lawyer turned to the ranger and asked “Why did you shoot the female? – it was the male that ate my friend” So the Ranger replies “Would you believe a lawyer if he told you that the Czech is in the male?”