Category: lawyers

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial –it went like this:

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.

Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer–do you have a locker room in the police station–a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.

Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?

A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven.

St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. “I’m much too young to die! I’m only 35!”

St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case.

After investigating, he told the attorney, “I’m afraid that their is no mistake my son…

We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you’ve billed to your clients, and you’re at least 108 years old!”

Good News: A busload of lawyers ran off a cliff. The bus was destroyed and there were no survivors. Bad News: There were three empty seats.

Someone mistakenly leaves the cages open in the reptile house at the Bronx Zoo and there are snakes slithering all over the place.

Frantically, the keeper tries everything, but he can’t get them back in their cages. Finally he says, “Quick, call a lawyer!”

“A lawyer? Why??”

“We need someone who speaks their langauge!”

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There he is greeted by George Washington. “How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!” yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind: “You wanted to end the Americans’ liberty, so they gave you death!” Henry punches Osama on the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says, “This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!” He drops a large weight on Osama’s knee. Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe and 65 other 18th-century American revolutionaries. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged. As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, “This is not what I was promised!” An angel replies: “I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?”

Top Ten Things Only Women Understand10. Cats’ facial expressions.9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.8. Why bean sprouts aren’t just weeds.7. “Fat” clothes.6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.5. The difference between beige, off-white and eggshell.4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.3. Eyelash curlers.2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.And the number one thing women understand…1. Other women!

Q: Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they
couldn’t find a coffin big enough to hold the body?

They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.

When a lawyer dies how come he has only 2 pall bearers?

There are only 2 handles on a garbage can.

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What do you get if you send the Godfather to law school? An offer you can’t understand.

A very wealthy lawyer vacationed for several weeks each year at his summer
home in the backwoods of Maine. Each summer, he would invite friends to come to
visit him.

One summer he invited a lawyer from the Czech Republic to visit. The friend,
eager to see how a wealthy American vacationed, gratefully agreed. They had a
wonderful vacation, and spent a great deal of time exploring the woods and
enjoying the natural setting.

One morning, as the lawyer and his Czech friend were walking through the
woods, they were approached by two huge bears — a male and a female. The lawyer
noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky.
The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

Seeing this, the lawyer ran to his Mercedes and sped for the nearest town to
get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed a high-powered rifle and they raced
back to the berry patch. Luckily, the bears were still there.

“He’s in THAT one!” cried the lawyer, pointing at the bear that had consumed
his friend. “Quick — shoot it. Maybe we can still save my friend!”

The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot
the female. His aim was true, and the female bear collapsed to the ground. The
startled male fled into the woods.

“Why did you do that?” demanded the lawyer, “I said he was in the other bear!”

“Exactly,” replied the sheriff. “Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you
that the Czech was in the male?