Category: lawyers

It had promised to be a sensational divorce case, with the wife accused of
incredible escapades. Testifying before her own attorney, she projected an image
of sweet innocence, told a tale of wifely fidelity and sacrifice, and was quite
believable.

When it was time for cross-examination though, the husband’s lawyer arose and
said, “Isn’t it true that on the night of June 12, in a driving rainstorm, you
had sexual intercourse with a certain circus midget on the handle bars of a
careening motorcycle as it raced across a private golf course reaching speeds in
excess of seventy-five miles per hour?”

She turned pale but retained her remarkable self-control and composure.

Her voice was almost serene in its innocence as she asked, “What was that date
again ?”

“Do you believe in life after death?”, the boss asked one of his employees. “Yes, Sir”, the employee replied.”Well, then, that makes everything just fine.”The boss went on,”After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmothers funeral,she stopped in to see you”.

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. (As he’d had a bad time in divorce court recently, and blamed the lawyers.) Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud “THUMP” and then he would swerve back on the road.One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.He asked the priest, “Where are you going, Father?”.”I’m going to the church 5 miles down the road!”, replied the priest.”No problem, Father! I’ll give you a lift. Climb in the truck”.The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud “THUD”. Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn’t see anything, he turned to the priest and said, “I’m sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer”.”That’s okay”, replied the priest.”I got him with the door!

30 things people actually said in court

Question
1. Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Question
2. Q: What gear were you in the moment of impact?
A: Gucci sweets and Reeboks.

Question
3. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory
A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you have forgotten?

Question
4. Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: 38 or 35, I can’t remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: 45 years

Question
5. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said “Where am I, Cathy?” Q: And why did that upset you? A My name is Susan.

Question
6. Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximatly milepost
499. Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and
500.

Question
7. Q: Sir, What is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Question
8. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Question
9. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do. Q: Voodoo?
A: We do. Q: You do?
A: Yes, Voodoo.

Question
10. Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendent, were you red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes Q: Did the defendent say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes sir Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Question
11. Q: Now doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesnt know about it until the next morning?

Question
12. Q: The youngest son, the 22 year old, how old is he?

Question
13. Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Question
14. Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Question
15. Q: Did he kill you?

Question
16. Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?

Question
17. Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Question
18. Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Question
19. Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes. Q: What were you doing at the time?

Question
20. Q: She had three children right?
A: Yes. Q: How many were boys?
A: none. Q: Were there any girls?

Question
21. Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: yes Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Question
22. Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather eleborate honeymoon, didnt you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir. Q: And you took your new wife?

Question
23. Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Question
24. Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Question
25. Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male or female?

Question
26. Q: Doctor how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Question
27. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK,? What school did you go to?
A: Oral

Question
28. Q: Do you recall the time you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Question
29. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Question
30. Q:Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No. Q: So it was possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brains was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patien have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he coulkd have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

How can you tell that an attorney is about to lie? His lips begin to move.

A man had to go to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at the Motel in town, he found that he had a lot of time before the meeting. He asked the clerk where the nearest golf course was and was given directions on how to get there.While playing on the front nine, he was going over the speech in his mind and became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a Lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and told her about his big meeting and the speech he was to make and his confusion about where he was on the course, asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.She replied “I’m on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened. and he approached her again with the same request.She said “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, So you must be on the 13th.”Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the Lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the Lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, “let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady, well I am in sales also. What do you sell”?She replied, “if I told you, you would only laugh.” “No I wouldn’t”, he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold.”Well if you must know”, she answered, “I sell Tampax.”With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said “see I knew you would laugh.””That’s not what I’m laughing at” he replied, “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m still a hole behind you!”

** What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.** What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor.** What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer? Chelsea Clinton.

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.”All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.”

The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision:

There are now more attorneys than there are rats.

The medical researchers don’t become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats.

No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won’t do.

One day a nagging lady asked his bored boyfriend “How do you find me?” Pat comes the reply from the lawyer friend “You are like the Supreme Court – No Appeal!!”

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer’s club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their lives. The gang was very happy to escape. “It ain’t so bad,” one crook noted. “We got out with $25 between us.” “I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!”, the boss screamed. “We had over $100 when we broke in!”

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant, “What are you charged with?”

“Doing my Christmas shopping early sir”, replied the defendant.

“Well that’s not an crime”, said the judge! “How early were you doing this shopping?”

“Before the store opened”, answered the prisoner.