Category: lawyers

1. The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps.
They weren’t working…. They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.

2. How can a pregnant woman tell that she’s carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

3. How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.

4. How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.

5. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

6. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.

7. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you
(A) Go to lunch, or (B) read the newspaper?

8. What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.

9. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.

10. What do you call a lawyer gone bad? ‘Senator.’

11. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? ‘Your Honor.’

12. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.

13. What does a lawyer use for birth control? His personality.

14. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Don’t know. (There are some things a pig just won’t do.)

15. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

16. What’s another difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Removable wing tips.

17. Why does California have the most lawyers in the country, while New
Jersey has the most toxic waste sites?
New Jersey got first choice.

18. What do you get if you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician?
Chelsea Clinton.

Submitted by Yisman
Edited by Curtis

Arguing with a lawyer is like mud wrestling with a pig: after a while you
realize that the pig is at home in the mud.

An elderly spinster called the lawyer’s office and told thereceptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a willprepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The woman replied, “You must understand, I’ve lived alone all mylife, I rarely see anyone, and I don’t like to go out. Would itbe possible for the lawyer to come to my house?”The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he wentto the spinster’s home for the meeting to discuss her estate andthe will.The lawyer’s first question was, “Would you please tell me whatyou have in assets and how you’d like them to be distributedunder your will?”She replied, “Besides the furniture and accessories you see here,I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank.””Tell me,” the lawyer asked, “how would you like the $40,000 tobe distributed?”The spinster said, “Well, as I’ve told you, I’ve lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I’d like them to notice when I pass on. I’d like to provide $35,000 for my funeral.”The lawyer remarked, “Well, for $35,000 you will be able to havea funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lastingimpression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me,” he continued, what would you like to do with theremaining $5,000?”The spinster replied, “As you know, I’ve never married, I’ve lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I’ve never slept with a man. I’d like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me.””This is a very unusual request,” the lawyer said, adding, “butI’ll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you.”That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about theeccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking abouthow much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with abit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, “I’ll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you’re finished.”The next morning, she drove him to the spinster’s house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn’t come out. So she blew the car horn.Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck hishead out and yelled, “Pick me up tomorrow, she’s going to let theCounty bury her!”

Attorney: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of
Mr.Edgington at the Rose Chapel?
Pathologist: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Attorney: And Mr. Edgington was dead at the time, is that correct?
Pathologist: No, he was sitting on the table, wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against … get this … fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in “a series of small fires.”

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued… and won.

In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be unacceptable fire,” it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge’s ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in “the fires.” After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested … on 24 counts of arson.

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: “My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.” “Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.” The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

One afternoon, a lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.”Why are you eating grass?”, he asked one man.”We don’t have any money for food.”, The poor man replied.”Oh, come along with me then.” “But sir, I have a wife with two children!” “Bring them along! And you, come with us too!”, he said to the other man.”But sir, I have a wife with six children!” the second man answered.”Bring them as well!” They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.” The lawyer replied “No, you don’t understand, the grass at my home is about three feet tall!”

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Shortly after he recovers from his an anesthetic his surgeon comes in and tells him: “Well, I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news for you.””Give me the bad news first, Doc.” says the patient. “I’m afraid that we accidentally cut your balls off during surgery, son.””Oh my god!” the patient cries, breaking into tears.”But the good news”, the doctor adds, “is that we had them biopsied and you’ll be relieved to know that they weren’t malignant.”

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral.

The title to the property dated back
to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.

After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:
“Upon review of your letter adjoining your client’s loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral proper back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin.

“Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:

“Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note
that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application.

I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.

For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain.

The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella.

The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus’ expedition.

Now the Pope, as I’m sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world.

Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin.

I hope to you find His original claim to be satisfactory.

Now, may we have the lousy loan?

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a
complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven.

St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his
untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. “I’m much too young to die! I’m
only 35!”

St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly
gates, and agreed to check on his case.

After investigating, he told the attorney, “I’m afraid that their is no
mistake my son…

We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you’ve billed to your
clients, and you’re at least 108 years old!”

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant, “What are you charged with?”

“Doing my Christmas shopping early sir”, replied the defendant.

“Well that’s not an crime”, said the judge! “How early were you doing this shopping?”

“Before the store opened”, answered the prisoner.

** What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.** What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing. There are some things a pig won’t do.