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Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren’t…
Have you looked through her briefs?
He is one hard judge!
Counselor, let’s do it in chambers.
His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
Is it a penal offense?
Better leave the handcuffs on.
For $200 an hour, she better be good!
Can you get him to drop his suit?
The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
Think you can get me off?
Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference.
At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three
engineers buy only a single ticket.
”How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asked one of
the
three lawyers.
”Watch and you’ll see,” answers one of the engineers.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all
three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, ”Ticket, please”
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was
quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy
the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the
station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment,
the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all.
”How are you going to travel without a ticket,” asks one perplexed lawyer.
”Watch and you’ll see,” says one of the engineers.When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the
three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over
to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding He knocks on the door and says,
”Ticket, please.”
Walking past the Royal Courts of Justice one day, a man spotted a friend of his sitting on the steps outside, sobbing loudly with his head buried in his hands.”What’s the matter?”he asked of his friend, “did your lawyer give you bad advice ..?””No – it’s worse than that,” replied the friend between sobs, ” he sold it to me…”
“Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?”
“My child, you have been a married woman for many years. You have had three husbands! Surely that cannot be.”
“Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he’d get to it tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this time, father, I’m marrying a lawyer and I’m sure I’m going to get screwed.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
What happens when you give Viagra to a Lawyer? He gets taller!
Your attorney and your mother-in-law are trapped in a burning building. You
only have time to save one of them.
Do you: (1) have lunch? or (2) go to a movie?
How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb? None. Let her do the dishes in the dark.What is love?The delusion that one woman differs from another.What is the difference between your wife and your job?After five years your job still sucks.Why did God create lesbians?So feminists couldn’t breed.Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?Because they don’t have balls.What’s the difference between your bonus and your dick?You don’t have to beg a woman to blow your bonus.Why is a woman like a laxative?They both irritate the shit out of you.What s worse than a male chauvinist pig? A woman who won’t do as she’s told.Why are wives like condoms? They both spend too much time in your wallet, and not enough time on the end of your dick.Why do men die before their wives?They want to.How many men does it take to fix a vacuum cleaner?Why the hell should we fix it? We don’t use the damn thing.What is a wife?An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.How are women like parking spaces?The good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.Why do women have tits?So men will talk to them.Why do women close their eyes during sex?They can’t stand to see a man having a good time.What’s 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?A $100 bill.Why do women have periods?Because they deserve them.Why did the woman cross the road?Who cares – what was she doing out of the kitchen anyway?
A lawyer finds out he has an inoperable brain tumor.
It’s so large, they have to do a brain transplant.
His doctor gives him a choice of available brains.
There’s a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce.
A jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce.
And a jar of lawyer brains for the sum of $800 an ounce.
The outraged lawyer says, “This is a rip off! How come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?”
The doctor replies, “Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You won’t find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you’re looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb…
A man is in court. The Judges says,”on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?”
“Guilty”, said the man in the dock.
At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted “You dirty rat!” The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.
The Judge continued “….. and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead”?
“Guilty”, said the man in the dock.
Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, “You dirty rotten stinking rat”!!
At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, “I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?”
He replied “He is my next door neighbor”.
The Judge replied, “I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments”.
The man replied “NO, your Honor, you don’t understand.
Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn’t have one”!!!
The Chief Justice of an Appellate Court invited the newly appointed Justice
over for dinner. During the meal, the new appointee, Justice Johnson, couldn’t
help noticing how attractive and shapely the Chief Justice’s housekeeper was.
Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between
the Chief Justice and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading the new
appointee’s thoughts, the Chief Justice volunteered, “I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely a
professional one.”
About a week later the housekeeper came to the Chief Justice and said,
“Your Honor, ever since your new appointee came to dinner, I’ve been unable to
find that beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose he took it do you?”
The Chief Justice said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write him a letter just to
be sure.” So he sat down and wrote: “Dear Justice Johnson, I’m not saying that
you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you didn’t take a
gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were
here for dinner.”
Several days later the Chief Justice received a reply letter from Justice
Johnson which read: “Dear Chief Justice, I’m not saying that you do sleep with
your housekeeper, and I’m not saying that you don’t sleep with your housekeeper.
But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have
found the gravy ladle by now.”
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and God?
A: God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.