Category: lawyers

Who is the most popular man in a nudist colony?The guy who can carry two pitchers of beer and a foot of onion rings!—who is the most popular girl in a nudist colony?The girl who can eat the last onion ring.

There were these three prisoners in a German POW camp, and they were Australian, American, and Irish. The commandant was a real mean prick and he was going to shoot his three captives unless their combined dick length was in excess of 20 inches.So the three POWs have their cocks measured and it turned out their combined dick length was 20 inches exactly, so they were spared.Later on the three were talking, and the Australian said “Well if it wasn’t for my 10 inch dick we’d all be dead.”The American says “Na, if it wasn’t for my 8 inch dick then we’d all be dead.”Then the Irishman says “If I didn’t have a hard on, we’d all be dead.”

A bored truck driver had a nasty habit of swerving to hit attorneys he
found walking along side of the highway. One day as he was driving along he came
across a Nun who appeared to be having car trouble. Pulling over to offer the
Nun a ride to the nearest service station, the Nun graciously thanked the driver
for stopping and accepted his offer. After driving a few miles the truck driver
saw an attorney walking along the highway. As was his custom, the truck driver
swerved to hit the attorney but, at the last moment, remembered he had the Nun
as a passenger and abruptly swerved away to avoid hitting the attorney.
Surprised upon hearing a loud ‘thump’ as he passed the attorney, the truck
driver peered in his rear view only to see the attorney lying injured along side
of the road. “I’m so sorry Sister, I thought I missed hitting that attorney!”
the truck driver pleads. “You did my son, but I got him with the door!” gleed
the Nun.

Q. What is your brother-in-law’s name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What’s his first name?
A. I can’t remember.
Q. He’s been your brother-in-law for years, and you can’t remember his first
name?
A. No. I tell you I’m too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and
pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God’s sake, tell them your first name!

Bill Clinton was out jogging one morning, when he came to an apartment complex. Sitting outside on the steps was a cute little girl with a big box. As Bill jogged closer, he could see that the box was full of adorable puppies. He went to the little girl and said “Awww…those are the cutest puppies” The little girl said “These aren’t puppies. I call them Democrats.”Bill thought this was really sweet and said “Well, that’s so sweet!”A few days later, Hillary was jogging with Bill when they came to the same building with the little girl outside. The girl was still there with the box. Bill nudged Hillary and said “Watch this.”He asked the little girl, “What have you got there? Puppies?”The little girl shook her head and said “No, not puppies, I call them Republicans.”Bill was shocked. He said “But I thought you said they were Democrats???”The little girl said “Well, they were…but now they’ve got their eyes open!!”

NASA was interviewing professionals they were planning on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy would never return to Earth.

The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going.

“One million dollars,” the engineer answered. “And I want to donate it all to my alma mater — Rice University.”

The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question.

“Two millions dollars,” the doctor said. “I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”

“Why so much more than the others?” the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, “You give me three million, I’ll give you one million, I’ll keep a million, and we’ll send the engineer.”

A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, b-lines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, “if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?” “Absolutely,” the lawyer responded. The butcher immediately shot back, “Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning.” The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer.The contents read “Consultation: $25.00.”

“I hear you lost your court case. Did your lawyer give you bad advice?”
“No. He charged me for it.”

The lawyer cabled his client overseas:

“Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep. Shall we order burial, embalming or cremation?”

Back came the reply, “Take no chances – order all three.”

Lawyer: “Judge, I wish to appeal my client�s case on the basis of newly discovered evidence.” Judge: “And what is the nature of the new evidence?” Lawyer: “Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left.”

An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnite, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.
An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.

“So, what is it?” grumbled the governor.

“Judge Garber has just died” said the attorney, “and I want to take his place.”

Replied the governor: “Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the undertaker.”

The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be
using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys.
They have given three reasons for this decision:
1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats.
2. The medical researchers don’t become as emotionally attached to the
attorneys as they did to the rats.
3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won’t do.