Category: lawyers

one day on the high way a car starts swerving out of nowhere going back and forth and so on and someone calls the police on their cell phone. the police officer meets up with the car and a blonde rolls down the window and says”oh officer thank god you’re here there was a tree in the middle of the road and then another and i had to swerve to keep from hitting it” and the officer stares briefly at the blonde then says”ma’am that’s you’re air freshener.”

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: ‘My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.’

‘Well put, ‘ the judge replied. ‘Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.’

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

IT WAS SO COLD THIS MORNING I SAW A LAWYER WITH HIS HANDS IN HIS OWN POCKETS.

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.

To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?”

St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be at least 193 years old!”

After his graduation from college, the son of a Spanish lawyer was considering his future. He went to his father and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner from which he could observe his father�s activities and be introduced to his father�s clients as a clerk. His observations would help him decide whether or not to become a lawyer. His father thought this was a great idea and immediately helped to set it up.The first client the next morning was a tenant farmer–a rough man with calloused hands who was dressed in workman�s clothing. He said,”Mr. Lawyer, I work for the Gonzales farm on the east side of town. For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows. I have raised the cows, fed them and looked after them. And I was always given the understanding and the belief that I was the owner of these cows. Now Mr. Gonzales has died and his son has inherited the farm. He believes that since the cows were raised on his land and ate his hay, the cows are his. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows.”The lawyer said, “Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Don’t worry about the cows!”The next client to come in, a young and well-dressed young man, was obviously a landowner. He said, “My name is Gonzales and I own a farm on the east side of town. We have a tenant farmer who has worked for my family for many years, tending crops and the animals, including some cows. I believe the cows belong to me because they were raised on my land and were fed my hay. But the tenant farmer believes they are his because he raised them and cared for them. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows.”The lawyer said, “Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Don’t worry about the cows!”After the client left, the lawyer�s son could not help but express his concern. “Father, I know very little about the law, but it seems we have a very serious problem concernng these cows.””Don�t worry about the cows!” the lawyer said. “The cows will be ours!”

How does a pregnant lady know she is going to give birth to a future lawyer?

She gets this terrible craving for bologna!

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, ”I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners.” The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, ”So, what’s the catch?”

1. You have the right to swing first. Anything you do can and will lead to an ass-kicking. 2. You have the right to have a priest and/or an EMT present at the time of the ass-kicking. 3. If you don’t have a priest, one will be appointed free of charge, to read you your last prayer.The Miranda Rights As Cops Would Really Like To Read Them…..1. No, I don’t care who you are. 2. No, I don’t care who you know. 3. Yes… you DO pay my salary. 4. Yes… you CAN have my job. 5. No, I don’t have anything better to do. 6. Yes, I DO arrest real criminals sometimes. 7. No, I am not picking on you because you are _____________ (fill in some ethnic group/race). 8. No, I can’t give you a break. 9. No, I don’t know your friend, Officer ______. 10. Yes, you will be allowed to make a phone call. 11. Yes, I’m sure you will never do it again. 12. No, we can’t talk about it. 13. Yes, it DOES make me happy. 14. Yes, you WILL see me in court.

A recently married couple retire to their honeymoon suite. Before hopping into bed the bride says, “Now honey, you’ll be gentle with me won’t you. You know that I’m still a virgin.”

This clearly surprises the man, “What are you saying. Aren’t I your third husband?”

The woman replied, “Yes, but my first husband was a psychologist and all he liked to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist and all he liked to do was look at it. Since you’re a lawyer, I’m pretty sure that I’m gonna get screwed!”

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands’ performances as lovers. The first woman says “My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that.”The second woman says, “My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that.”The third woman just shakes her head and says, “My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it’s going to be when I get it.”

A man walked into a curio store and was looking around. After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter.

The proprietor said, that will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it.
The man said, ‘Thanks, but I’ll just pay the $10 and pass on the story.’

He purchased the brass rat and left the store.
As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked — the more rats followed. He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him. So, he decided to walk out into the water, which he did — and all the rats drowned.

He returned to the store where he purchased the brass rat, and when he walked in, the proprietor said, ‘Ah ha! You came back to pay the $1,000 for the story, right?’

‘Nope,’ replied the man, ‘Just came back to see if you have any brass lawyers!’