Category: lawyers

Attorney: So, doctor, you determined that a gunshot wound was the cause of
death of the patient?

Doctor: That’s correct.

Attorney: Did you examine the patient when he came to the emergency room?

Doctor: No, I performed the autopsy.

Attorney: Okay, were you aware of his vital signs while he was at the
hospital?

Doctor: Yes, he came in to the emergency room in shock and died in the
emergency room a short time after arriving.

Attorney: Did you pronounce him dead at that time?

Doctor: No, I am the pathologist who performed the autopsy. I was not
involved with the patient initially.

Attorney: Well, are you even sure, then, that he died in the emergency
room?

Doctor: That is what the records indicate.

Attorney: But if you weren’t there, how could you have pronounced him
dead, having not seen or physically examined the patient at that time?

Doctor: The autopsy showed massive hemorrhage into the chest, and that was
the cause of death.

Attorney: I understand that, but you were not actually present to examine
the patient and pronounce him dead, isn’t that right?

Doctor: No, sir, I did not see the patient or actually pronounce him dead,
but I did perform an autopsy and right now his brain is in a jar over at
the county morgue. As for the rest of the patient, for all I know, he
could be out practicing law somewhere.

A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn�t want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, “Don�t worry. You�ll never have to go to jail with all that money.� And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn�t have a dime.

There once was a dog show to determine the world’s smartest dog. Three dogs were in the finals. One dog belonged to a doctor. One dog belonged to an engineer. And, one dog belonged to a lawyer. For the finals each dog was given a bag of bones to see what it could make. The doctor said, “Stethascope, go!” The dog built a human skeleton. The judges were ready to award the trophy right then. But, they decided to give the other dogs a try. The engineer said, “Slide-rule, go!” (So, its an old joke.) The dog built a suspension bridge. The judges were beside themselves. Which dog would they pick? The lawyer said.”Loop-hole, go!” The dog ate the bones, got a percentage of all the tolls from the bridge and screwed the other two dogs.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in a million become a human being.

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining a pathologist.

Here’s what happened:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren’t sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man’s brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it’s possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that
morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Defendant: How can you sentence an innocent man to prison?
Judge: It is part of my job.

In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was leaving for a crusade and called one of his squires, “I’m leaving for the crusade. Here is the key to my wife’s chastity belt. If, in 10 years, I haven’t returned, you may use the key as I’m sure she will have needs” The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe. He takes one last look at his castle and sees the squire rushing across the drawbridge, yelling, “Stop! Stop! Thank goodness I was able to catch you. This is the WRONG KEY.”

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap. When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind. The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was. The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, “You’ve got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!” The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake’s body for a few minutes, he asserted, “Well, you’re scaly, you’re slimy, you’ve got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you’ve got a forked tongue. I think you’re a lawyer!”

A man walks into a bar and he’s really pissed. The bartender gives him a drink
and asks what the problem is. All he says is, “all lawyers are a*******.”

A man sitting in the corner shouts, “I take offense to that!”

The pissed-off guy asks him, “why? Are you a lawyer?”

He replies, “no, I�m a******.”

Attorney: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom. “Suzie wants to go out to my car. She’s really hot,” one boy said. “I’m really nervous. I know I’ll goof up!””Take it easy,” his friend assured him. “All you gotta do is compliment her. Chicks love to be complemented. You’ll have her in the palm of your hand.”About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye.”Shit, man! What happened to you?!” his buddy asked.”I took your advice.””Didn’t you compliment her?””Sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After a while I started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts they sure were firm. She like that too.””It sounds like you were doing great,” his friend said.”Well,” the other answered, “that’s when everything went wrong. I got her dress up and her panties off, and I paid her another compliment.” “What did you say?” “For such a large snatch, it sure doesn’t stink much.”