Category: lawyers

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?How many can you afford?

There was a job opening in the country’s most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It’s up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, “Why did you become a lawyer?” In seconds, he chooses Paul.Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside.”I don’t understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I’d lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?””I said I became a lawyer because of my hands,” Robert replies.”Your hands? What do you mean?””Well, I took a look one day and there wasn’t any money in either of them!”

Why don’t sharkes and snakes bite attorneys? Professional courtesy.

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers
Journal, the following are 22 questions actually asked of
witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the
responses given by insightful witnesses:

“Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”

“The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?”

“Were you present when your picture was taken?”

“Were you alone or by yourself?”

“Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?”

“Did he kill you?”

“How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?”

“You were there until the time you left, is that true?”

“How many times have you committed suicide?”

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon,
didn’t you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an autopsy.

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: I have been since early childhood.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere.

A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop
and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and
asks, “if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I
have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?” “Absolutely,”
the lawyer responded. The butcher immediately shot back, “Good! You owe me $7.99
for the roast your dog stole from me this morning.” The lawyer, without a word,
writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing
through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer. The contents read
“Consultation: $25.00.”

A lawyer asked a Czechoslovakian friend of his to go hunting one day. While strolling thru the woods a grizzly bear attacked them. While the bear ate the Czech… the lawyer managed to escape. He ran to the forest rangers cabin.

After telling the ranger what had happenned… the ranger said… ‘You’ll have to go with me and identify the bear.’ The ranger grabbed his rifle and the lawyer followed him back into the woods. It didn’t take long to find the bear… but he was with a female bear at the time.

The ranger took aim… and asked the lawyer: ‘Which one is it… the male or the female?’.

The lawyer said the male. Then all of a sudden .. BANG! The female bear fell to the ground and died. The lawyer perplexed and confused asked the ranger: ‘Why did you shot the female? I said it was the male.’

To which the ranger replied: ‘Do you really expect me to believe: a “lawyer” saying… the Czech is in the male?’

An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just awaken from a good nights sleep.He takes her hand and she responds, “Don’t touch me.””Why not,” he asks. She answers back, “Because I’m dead.”The husband says to her, “What are you talking about? We’re both lying here in bed together and talking to one another.”The wife says, “No, I’m definitely dead.”Her husband insists, “You’re not dead. What in the world makes you think you’re dead?”His wife answers, “I know I’m dead, because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts!”

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a
pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

“I’m a chiropractor, and I’m just keeping in practice while I’m waiting in
line.”

“Well, I’m a lawyer, but you don’t see me screwing the guy in front of me, do
you?”

Bill Gates dies and goes to Hell. Satan greets him and says, “Welcome Mr. Gates, we’ve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You’ve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you’ve got me in a good mood, I’ll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you’ll be locked up forever.”Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of fine wine sitting on a table. To Bill’s delight, he sees a PC in the corner.Without hesitation, Bill says “I’ll take this option.””Fine,” says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.”That was Bill Gates!” cried Lucifer. “Why did you give him the best place of all?!?””That’s what everyone thinks,” snickered Satan. “But the bottle has a hole in it!””Why the PC?”, he continued, “”It’s got the latest version of Windows and it’s missing three keys!””Which three?” said Lucifer.”Control, Alt and Delete!”

Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of Heaven,
accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the same day. The
Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to his quarters. The room
was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that found in a low grade Motel 6 type
establishment.
The lawyer was then taken to his room, which was a palatial suite including a
private swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace overlooking the Gates. The
attorney was somewhat taken aback and told St. Peter, “I’m really quite
surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was given such small
accommodations.”
St. Peter replied, “We have over a hundred Popes here, and
we’re really very bored with them. We’ve never had a lawyer.”

A lawyer named ‘Strange’ was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made
his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.
“Here lies an honest man and a lawyer,” responded the lawyer. “Sorry, but I
can’t do that,” replied the stonecutter giving the lawyer a little elbow nudge,
“In this state, it’s against the law to bury two people in the same grave. The
stonecutter then suggested, I could put ‘Here lies an honest lawyer’.” “But that
won’t let people know who it is,” protested the lawyer. “It most certainly
will,” retorted the stonecutter. People will read it and exclaim, “That’s
Strange!”

One juror overheard saying to another. . .

You’ll notice that neither the prosecutor nor defense attorney swore to tell the truth!