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A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.
As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
‘That’s unfair!’ he cried. ‘I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.’
‘Shut up,’ barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.
‘Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?’
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time, robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, DEAD or ALIVE!
A trigger happy, young, enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track down the bandit on his own and collect the reward. After a lengthy search, the Ranger tracked the bandit to his favorite cantina and snuck up behind him. At the sound of the Ranger’s guns cocking and preparing to fire, the surprised bandit sped around only to see both of the Ranger’s six-shooters bearing down on him.
The Ranger announced, ”You’re under arrest! Tell me where you hid the loot or I’ll drop you where you stand,” his finger becoming itchy on the trigger.
However, the bandit didn’t speak English and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish. Fortunately for the Ranger, a bilingual lawyer was present in the cantina and translated the Ranger’s demand to the bandit. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried next to an old oak tree behind the cantina.
”What did he say, what did he say?”, the Ranger hurriedly asked.
To which the lawyer replied, ”Well, the best I can make out he said … DRAW!”
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, “I never know how to handle the situation when I’m asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?” The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.
A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm’s senior partner had passed away unexpectedly. “Is Mr. Spenser there?” asked the client on the phone.”I’m very sorry, but Mr. Spenser passed away last night,” the receptionist answered. “Can anyone else help you?”The man paused for a moment, then quietly said ‘no’ and hung up.Ten minutes later, he called again and asked for Mr. Spenser, his ex-wife’s lawyer.The receptionist said, “You just called a few minutes ago, didn’t you? Mr. Spenser has died. I’m not making this up.” The man again hung up.Fifteen minutes later, he called a third time and asked for Mr. Spenser. The receptionist was irked by this time. “I’ve told you twice already, Mr. Spenser is dead. He is not here! Why do you keep asking for him when I say he’s dead? Don’t you understand what I’m saying?”The man replied, “I understand you perfectly. I just like hearing you say it over and over.”
A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer. I know, he says, they say ‘you can’t take it with you.’ But who knows? Suppose they’re mistaken. I’d like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it’s useful, I’ll have something. They each agree to carry out his wish. Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, -Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven’t be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend’s money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked. At this the priest says, I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as out friend requested. Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says, I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars.
A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of
eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate
encounter with a beautiful young woman. “What a rip-off,” the man muttered. “I
have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a
beautiful woman.” Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon
snarled, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn’t pronunciate his words.
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.
The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor.
The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, “Hey,
if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for
the cost of the meat?”
The lawyer replied, “Of course! How much was the roast?”
The butcher replied, “$7.98.”
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98.
Attached to it was an invoice that read:
Legal Consultation Service: $150.
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco’s Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. “Twelve dollars for the rat, sir,” says the shop owner, “and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it.” “You can keep the story, old man,” he replies, “but I’ll take the rat.”
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.
By the time he’s walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run for the bridge.
Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. “Ah, so you’ve come back for the rest of the story,” says the owner.
“No,” says the tourist, “but I was wondering if you have any bronze lawyers!”
Two West Virginia lawyers hired a secretary from a small town in the hills.
She was attractive, but it was obvious that she knew nothing about city life.
One attorney said to the other, “Mary is so young and pretty she might be
taken advantage of by some of those fast-talking city guys. Why don’t we teach
her what’s right and what’s wrong?”
“Great idea,” said the partner. You teach her what’s right.”
A lawyer cross-examined the adversary’s main witness. “You claim to have stopped by Mrs. Edwards house just after breakfast. Will you tell the jury what she said?””Objection, your honor,” shouted the other lawyer.There then followed a long argument between the lawyers as to whether the question was proper. Finally, after 45 minutes, the judge allowed it.”So,” the first lawyer continued, “Please answer the question: What did Mrs. Edwards say when you went to her house after breakfast on December 3rd?””Nothing,” said the witness. “No one was home.”
At a trial, an attorney was putting witnesses through an exacting
cross-examination, and was taking great delight into forcing witnesses to admit
that they did not remember every single detail of an automobile accident. While
the lawyer knew that no witness has a perfect memory, he had honed a skill in
exploiting minor inconsistencies and lapses of memory in order to challenge the
credibility of honest witnesses. After a series of scathing cross-examinations,
he was looking forward to his examination of yet another witness.
“Did you actually see the accident?” he asked.
The witness responded with a polite, “Yes, sir.”
“How far away were you when the accident happened?”
“I was Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarter�s inches away from the point
of collision.”
“Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarter inches?” the lawyer asked,
sarcastically, “Do you expect us to believe that your memory is so good, and
your sense of distance is so precise, that months after the accident you can
come into court and give that type of detail?”
The witness was unphased. “Sir, I had a hunch that some obnoxious, know-it-all
lawyer would ask me the distance, and would try to make it seem like I was lying
if I could not give an exact answer. So I got a tape measure, and measured out
the exact distance.”