Category: lawyers

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion. “Why don’t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it’ll work!?”

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to
a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a
shilling. “Only a shilling to bury an attorney?”, said the Justice, “Here’s a
guinea, go and bury 20 of them.”

Q: How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly? A: When your lawyer doesn’t seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore. Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a leech? A: A leech will let go and drop off when its victim dies. Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a dalmation? A: A dalmation knows when to stop chasing the ambulance. Q: What do slime molds have more of than lawyers? A: Respect. Q: What does molds, ooze, and lawyers have in common? A: They’re all slime. Q: Why did the lawyer cross the road?A: To get to the car accident on the other side. Q: What are some of the requirements in becoming a lawyer? A: You must be able to get muggers, rapists, and pope abusers off the hook, and must have at least one relative who works at IBM. Q: What kind of lure must you use if you want to attract lawyers so as to shoot them?A: You may use any as long as it yells every once in a while “I’m gonna sue!” or “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” Q: What would happen if you lock a cannibal in a room full of lawyers? A: He would starve to death. Q: Why don’t hyenas eat lawyers?A: Even hyenas have some dignity.

How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

A quick narrative. I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was younger. I couldn’t afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It’s a ’70 Mustang, and her name is Bessie. Bessie is the proto-typical juvenile, male-caveman, scratch yourself and drink cheap beer car. Chromed engine, dual exhaust, 250 horsepower, big tires.

I’m driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat up truck. He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker. I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this crazy, over aerobicized woman jumps in front of my car with her hand up. Meet Ethel, the neighborhood busybody/nuisance.

She proceeds to yell in my window, “Hey, slow down you idiot.” I’m a well-bred, mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this. As I drive away, she yells, “Jerk” at me again. Twice? I turn around and drive up next to her.

“Do you have a problem?” I ask.

“Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?”

“I was driving like an idiot? How, exactly?”

“You were speeding. I watched you.”

“You were? I see. How did you measure my speed?” (Ever the interrogator)

“I heard you.”

“So, you measured my speed by ear?”

“I can hear.”

“How fast did you HEAR me going?”

“Look,” she says, “I don’t have to take this. Here comes a cop. I’ll wave him down.”

THE POLICE? This woman is a trip. She waves him down, and proceeds to tell him that she observed me speeding. “What happened?” he asks. I told him the story, and told him that I accelerated to an indicated 33 mph (the speed limit is 35) to avoid a collision. “Are those mufflers legal?” Ethel asks. She’s pushing it. I reply, “I have a C.A.R.B. exemption for them.” I give the paperwork to the cop. She tries to find another thing to screw me with. She says, “What about those big tires? They CAN’T be legal.”

I began feeling little overheated gears in the back of my head start to turn. “These tires were available on the 1970 Boss 429,” I told the cop, “Which makes them street legal as a replacement.” Ethel gets angry. She whines, “So you’re not going to give out any tickets to this jerk?” The cop says, “No, I am not.”

I’ve about had it. So I say, “Sir, this woman told you that she left the street at the corner, and then she met up with my car here. According to Title 39, pedestrians have to cross the street at a right angle. This woman admitted she crossed at a 45-degree angle, which is a ticketable offense.”

“What?” The cop looks confused.

“Also, she told you that she walked in front of my car to stop me. A citizen can’t detain someone without probable cause, under Terry v. Ohio (My new favorite case). Since she couldn’t measure my speed, she had no probable cause to detain me. That is an indictable offense.”

The cop says, “But, I didn’t see any of this.”

“But,” I said, “I did, and, as an officer of the Court, I can demand her arrest. I’ll agree to dismiss the Illegal Detention charge, but I want her cited for not crossing at a right angle and Hazardous Conduct on a Public Street.”

The cop called his Lieutenant, and after the cop told the story, he authorized the summonses. She went home with $215.00 worth of traffic tickets, and they are worth a total of four points against her license, as well as the appropriate insurance surcharge! Of course, if she demands a trial I won’t prosecute. But the look on her face as she walked away was more than enough satisfaction for me.

Yeah, I’ve got a law degree, and I’m not afraid to use it.

The lawyer’s son wanted to follow in his father’s footsteps, so he went to
law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father’s
firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father’s office,
“Father, father, in one day I broke that accident case that you’ve been working
on for the past four years!” “You did what!” His father exclaimed. “You idiot,
what do you think put you through law school!”

As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, “Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?” “There’s a big fire across the street,” the doctor replied. “We didn’t want you to think the operation was a failure.”

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons,Civil Engineers build targets.

The Far Side From the Far Side Calander:

Picture is a courtroom with a cow on the witness stand.

“Look. We know how you did it. How is no longer the question. … What we now want to know is ‘Why?’. Why now, Brown Cow?”

Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called ”Divorced Barbie”?

Yeah, it comes with all of Ken’s stuff.

A man was speeding down a Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, “Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don’t think it’s fair – there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?””Ever go a fishin’?” the policeman suddenly asked the man.”Ummm, yeah…” the startled man replied.The officer grinned and added, “Did you ever catch ’em all?”

The father of five children won a toy at a raffle.He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.”Who is the most obedient?”, he asked.”Who never talks back to mother?Who does everything she says?”Five small voices answered in unison: