Questions to enter Heavan

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it.” The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a little harder, “How many people died on the ship?” Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, “About 1,500.” “That’s right! You may enter.” St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. “Name them.”

Funny Limo Driver

A Cardiologist came up with a new operating procedure that would cut down the time that heart surgery would take and would cause less trauma to the patient. He was praised by his peers when he presented it at a convention in Washington D.C. He was also paid $50,000 to present his findings.The cardiologist did a few more of these presentations and realized that it would be more lucrative to do lectures on his findings rather than continue to work as a surgeon. So he decided to do the lectures full-time. He hired a driver and purchased a limousine.One day, after he’d been doing the lecture circuit for about 6 months, his driver turns to him and says, “You know… This is completely unfair.””What do you mean?” asks the surgeon.”Well, you get paid $50,000 every time you do this lecture and that’s more than I get paid in a year,” replies the driver.The surgeon explains to him that it is a very complicated procedure and that he is the only person that can give this lecture.”That’s not true. I can do your lecture blindfolded. I have seen you do your lecture so many times that I know it by heart,” says the driver.”Well if that’s the case, I’ll tell you what. You do this lecture and you can keep the $50,000 if you do it right.” replies the surgeon.The driver replies, “Ok. You’re on.”So when they arrive at the lecture hall, the surgeon and the driver change coats and the surgeon puts on the driver’s hat and sits in the back of the room.The driver nails the presentation. Not only that, he also answers all the questions without any problems. Just when the driver thinks he’s done, an audience member, wearing a lab coat and tape covered glasses stands up and asks a complex question that the driver is not able to answer.”You know…” says the driver, “I have done this lecture 287 times and I have never been asked such a stupid question. As a matter of fact, that question is SO stupid that I am going to let my driver answer it.”

Suddenly

Joe the lawyer died suddenly at the age of 45.

He got to the gates of Heaven.

The angel standing there said, “We’ve been waiting a long time for you.”

“What do you mean,” he replied. “I’m only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?”

“45? You’re not 45, you’re 82,” replied the angel.

“Wait a minute. If you think I’m 82 then you have the wrong guy. I’m only 45. I can show you my birth certificate.”

“Hold on. Let me go check,” said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned.

“Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82…”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman Curtis

Jury Duty

A man was chosen for jury duty who really wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.

“Your Honor”, he said, “I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I thought, ‘He’s a crook! He’s guilty!’ So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!”

The tired and annoyed judge replied, “Get back in the jury box, you fool.
That man is the lawyer!”

Nude Hand Signals

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can’t find the rake. He yells up to his wife, “Where is the rake?”She can’t hear him and shouts back, “What?”The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion.The wife not sure and says, “What?” The man repeats his gestures.The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.Well there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, “What in the friggin hell was that?”She replies, “EYE–LEFT TIT — BEHIND — THE BUSH!”

Getting a date.

There was a loser who couldn’t get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date. The guy said, “It’s simple. I just say, I’m a lawyer.”

So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said “No,” he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.
She said, “Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?”
He said, “Why,… Yes I am!”

So they went to his place and when they were in bed, screwing, he started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny, he answered,
“Well, I’ve only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I’m already screwing someone!”

Natchitoches

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are… very slowly?The blonde guy leaned over the counter and said, “Burrrrrr-gerrrrr Kiiinnnggg

193 years old

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were
thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St.
Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer
was standing, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants
took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and
into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this
attention, but what makes me so special?” St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added
up all the hours that you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be
about 193 years old!”

Courtroom Chaos

A man accused of robbing a bank was tried for the final time and was found guilty. Just before he was taken away, the man looked the judge in the eye and said, “Would it be okay if I called you a son of a bitch?”

The judge’s face went red and he roared, “It most certainly would not! I’d add another two years onto your sentence!”

The defendant nodded and then asked, “Would it be okay if I THOUGHT you were a son of a bitch?”

The judge was becoming very annoyed but replied, “Yes, I suppose that would be okay. I obviously have no control over your thoughts.”

The defendant smiled and said, “Well, in that case, judge, I think you are a son of a bitch!”