Category: lawyers

A young lawyer decided that his life needed a hobby. Since his buddies talked about sailing, he thought he’d give it a go.

He went to the local boat show and asked a lot of questions. Everything seemed to be going well when he said, “How do you dock the boat?” The salesman replied, “Well, you really don’t dock the sailboat, you tie it up to a float just beyond the dock. This way you don’t bang up the finish on the craft.”

“Well then,” the lawyer asked, “How do you get out to the sailboat?”

“Good question.” The salesman told him. �You can get a small raft and paddle out to the boat, or you can just walk out to the boat, if you don’t mind getting wet.�

“Oh, I get it,” the lawyer replied. . . . “It’s Row vs Wade.”

What is the difference between a lawyer and a cat fish?

One is a scaly, slimy, mud sucking, bottom dwelling scavenger. The other
is a fish!

A Cardiologist came up with a new operating procedure that would cut down the time that heart surgery would take and would cause less trauma to the patient. He was praised by his peers when he presented it at a convention in Washington D.C. He was also paid $50,000 to present his findings.The cardiologist did a few more of these presentations and realized that it would be more lucrative to do lectures on his findings rather than continue to work as a surgeon. So he decided to do the lectures full-time. He hired a driver and purchased a limousine.One day, after he’d been doing the lecture circuit for about 6 months, his driver turns to him and says, “You know… This is completely unfair.””What do you mean?” asks the surgeon.”Well, you get paid $50,000 every time you do this lecture and that’s more than I get paid in a year,” replies the driver.The surgeon explains to him that it is a very complicated procedure and that he is the only person that can give this lecture.”That’s not true. I can do your lecture blindfolded. I have seen you do your lecture so many times that I know it by heart,” says the driver.”Well if that’s the case, I’ll tell you what. You do this lecture and you can keep the $50,000 if you do it right.” replies the surgeon.The driver replies, “Ok. You’re on.”So when they arrive at the lecture hall, the surgeon and the driver change coats and the surgeon puts on the driver’s hat and sits in the back of the room.The driver nails the presentation. Not only that, he also answers all the questions without any problems. Just when the driver thinks he’s done, an audience member, wearing a lab coat and tape covered glasses stands up and asks a complex question that the driver is not able to answer.”You know…” says the driver, “I have done this lecture 287 times and I have never been asked such a stupid question. As a matter of fact, that question is SO stupid that I am going to let my driver answer it.”

Joe the lawyer died suddenly at the age of 45.

He got to the gates of Heaven.

The angel standing there said, “We’ve been waiting a long time for you.”

“What do you mean,” he replied. “I’m only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?”

“45? You’re not 45, you’re 82,” replied the angel.

“Wait a minute. If you think I’m 82 then you have the wrong guy. I’m only 45. I can show you my birth certificate.”

“Hold on. Let me go check,” said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned.

“Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82…”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman Curtis

A man was chosen for jury duty who really wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.

“Your Honor”, he said, “I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I thought, ‘He’s a crook! He’s guilty!’ So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!”

The tired and annoyed judge replied, “Get back in the jury box, you fool.
That man is the lawyer!”

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can’t find the rake. He yells up to his wife, “Where is the rake?”She can’t hear him and shouts back, “What?”The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion.The wife not sure and says, “What?” The man repeats his gestures.The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.Well there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, “What in the friggin hell was that?”She replies, “EYE–LEFT TIT — BEHIND — THE BUSH!”

There was a loser who couldn’t get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date. The guy said, “It’s simple. I just say, I’m a lawyer.”

So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said “No,” he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.
She said, “Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?”
He said, “Why,… Yes I am!”

So they went to his place and when they were in bed, screwing, he started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny, he answered,
“Well, I’ve only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I’m already screwing someone!”

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are… very slowly?The blonde guy leaned over the counter and said, “Burrrrrr-gerrrrr Kiiinnnggg

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?

A1: I don’t know, there are some things even a blonde won’t do.
A2: Something that when it gives you a blow job, it won’t stop until it gets blood.

What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association
convention?

The caterer.

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were
thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St.
Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer
was standing, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants
took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and
into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this
attention, but what makes me so special?” St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added
up all the hours that you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be
about 193 years old!”

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion. “Why don’t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it’ll work!?”