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10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let’s do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
1. Think you can get me off?
Q: Why’d the lawyer go to Heaven?
A: Hell was full.
The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with
his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, “Where’s the three
million bucks you embezzled from me?” The accountant doesn’t answer. The
Godfather asks again, “Where’s the three million bucks you embezzled from
me?”
The attorney interrupts, “Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot
understand you, but I can interpret for you.”
The Godfather says, “Well, ask him where the @#!* money is.” The attorney,
using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars
is. The accountant signs back, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He doesn’t know what you’re
talking about.” The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of
the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, “Ask him again where the @#!*
money is!”
The attorney signs to the accountant, “He wants to know where it is!” The
accountant signs back, “Okay! Okay! The money’s hidden in a suitcase
behind the shed in my backyard!” The Godfather says, “Well, what did he
say?” The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He says that you don’t
have the guts to pull the trigger.”
Q. What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start.
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summerhouse in the country
where he retreated for several weeks every year. Each summer, the lawyer would
invite a different friend of his (no, that’s not the punch line) to spend a week
or two at this home, which happened to be in a backwoods. On one particular
occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend,
eager to get a freebee off of the lawyer, agreed. They had a splendid time in
the country — rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning,
the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their
morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries
and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears — a large
male and a smaller female. The lawyer, seeing the two bears and sensing danger,
immediately dashed for cover. His friend, however, being ignorant of nature, was
not so lucky. The male bear charged the paralyzed Czechoslovakian, and then
swallowed him whole. The lawyer, instilled with fright, rushed back to his car
and sped into town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff, upon hearing the
lawyer’s unsettling story, grabbed his rifle and dashed back to the berry patch
with the lawyer following closely behind. Sure enough, the two bears were still
there. “He’s in THAT one!� cried the lawyer, pointing to the large male bear,
all the while visions of lawsuits from his friend’s family lagged in the back of
his mind. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the two bears,
and without batting an eye, leveled his rifle, took careful aim, and SHOT THE
FEMALE. “What did you do that for!� exclaimed the lawyer, “I said he was in the
other one!” “Exactly,” replied the sheriff, “Would YOU believe a lawyer who told
you the Czech was in the male?”
Q. What do a lawyer and a prostitute have in common?
A. They both screw people out of money.
Four surgeons are having a coffee after performing surgery.”I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered.” says the first.”I think librarians are the easiest,” said the second surgeon.”When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered.” The third surgeon said, “I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are colour coded.” The fourth one said, “”I like to operate on lawyers. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and ass are interchangeable”
What’s the only disadvantage to using lawyers instead of rats in laboratory experiments?
It’s harder to extrapolate the test results to human beings.
Why should lawyers be buried 100 feet deep?
Because deep down, they’re really good people.
What educational programs should the United States support to alleviate the burgeoning US-Japan trade imbalance?
Japanese language lessons for lawyers.
Why do lawyers carry their certification on their dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped parking; it’s proof of a moral disability.
How can you tell there’s an afterlife for lawyers?
Because after they die, they lie still.
What is a criminal lawyer?
Redundant.
What are lawyers good for?
They make used car and life insurance salesmen look good.
What’s black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A doberman pinscher.
What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.
What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested?
An accomplice.
What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested?
A lawyer.
What do you call 10,000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
How can you tell when your lawyer is lying?
His lips move.
How do you save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off his head.
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in wet cement?
Not enough cement.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of cow manure?
The bucket.
Why is it that so many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.
Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the city morgue.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can’t understand.
The real-estate boss got a hot new secretary, and he decided to put some moves on her. But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on.
Finally, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her. “Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?”
The secretary’s reply, “My lawyer!”
Q: How do you know if a lawyer is lieing
A: If his mouth moves.
A young lawyer decided that his life needed a hobby. Since his buddies talked about sailing, he thought he’d give it a go.
He went to the local boat show and asked a lot of questions. Everything seemed to be going well when he said, “How do you dock the boat?” The salesman replied, “Well, you really don’t dock the sailboat, you tie it up to a float just beyond the dock. This way you don’t bang up the finish on the craft.”
“Well then,” the lawyer asked, “How do you get out to the sailboat?”
“Good question.” The salesman told him. �You can get a small raft and paddle out to the boat, or you can just walk out to the boat, if you don’t mind getting wet.�
“Oh, I get it,” the lawyer replied. . . . “It’s Row vs Wade.”
Saint Peter was having a slow day at the Pearly Gates so he took a little stroll. He noticed that the fence between heaven and hell was in need of some repair. So he hollers over the fence to Lucifer.
Saint Peter: “This fence needs some repair. I’ll see to it that it gets fixed if you will help pay for it.”
Lucifer: “If you want it fixed, you pay for it.”
Saint Peter: “The fence is partly your responsibility and you will help pay for it or I will sue you for that amount.”
Lucifer: “Ha!! And where do you think you are going to get a lawyer?!”