Category: lawyers

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.

The Devil said to the lawyer, “I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money.”

“All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and I want to have anal sex with your 14 year old daughter.”

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, “So, what’s the catch?”

Do you know the greatest example of wasted opportunity?

A busload of lawyers went over a 3000 foot drop——- and there were 3
empty seats.

Two smart, attractive, well-educated young law graduates, Sally and Edith, were competing for a prestigious job. As part of the job interview each was asked why she wanted the job. Edith answered that she wanted to work for a firm with a reputation of being concerned with truth and justice. When it was her turn, Sally simply opened her purse, took out a rather thin wallet and laid it on the senior partner’s desk. “I want to fatten it up as fast as possible” she said.Sally got the job

A man who was to be investigated by the Inland Revenue, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

“Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper.” the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice.

“Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.”

Confused, the man asked a friend, told him of the conflicting advice, and aked what he should do.

“Let me tell you a story,” replied his friend.

“A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night and was told ‘Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.’

When she asked her best friend, she was told ‘Wear your most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel’.”

The man said “What does all this have to do with my problem with the IR?”

His friend replied, “No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed.”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband
had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn’t sure it was such a good
idea. The Doctor asked, “Do you enjoy it?” She said that she did. He asked,
“Does it hurt you?” She said no. The Doctor then told her, “Well, then, there’s
no reason that you shouldn’t practice anal sex, if that’s what you like, so long
as you take care not to get pregnant.” The woman was mystified. She asked, “You
can get pregnant from anal sex?” The Doctor replied, “Of course. Where do you
think lawyers come from?”

Attorney: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked “Give it to me straight. How long have I got?” The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said “Call for my lawyer.” When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied “Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought I’d check out the same way.”

A little koala bear wanders into a whorehouse. He climbs the stairs and finds a door open. He goes in to the room to find a naked prostitute asleep on the bed. He quickly climbs into the bed and begins performing oral sex on the prostitute.She wakes up and decides that since it feels so good she’ll let him finish. The koala finishes, wipes his chin, climbs off the bed and heads for the door. The prostitute jumps up and yells at him “Hey, you have to pay for that”. The koala shrugs and continues to head for the door.The prostitute yells at him again, “Hey you have to pay for that. I’m a prostitute”. She gets up and pulls a dictionary off a shelf and shows the koala the definition.PROSTITUTE(n) a person receiving payment for sexual services.The koala shrugs, takes the dictionary and turns the pages to the definition of koala bear.KOALA(n.) a small bear that eats bushes and leaves.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking
down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill.
Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

A priest settled into a chair in a lawyer’s office. “Is it true,” said the
Priest, “that your firm does not charge members of the clergy?” “I’m afraid
you’re misinformed,” stated the lawyer, “People in your profession can look
forward to a reward in the next world, but we lawyers have to take ours in this
one.”

Bob was driving home after a day at the construction site; over the Golden Gate Bridge at about 90mph. Wouldn’t you know a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar. Bob pulled over like a good citizen; recalling Rodney King and recent illegal alien incidents.The cop walked up to the window and said, “You know how fast you were going BOY?” Ignoring Bob, the officer continued, in his normal charming fashion, “That’s speeding and your getting a ticket and a fine!” The cop took a good look at the young bob and said, “You don’t even look like you have a job! Why I’ve never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!”Bob said, “I’ve got a job! I have a good, well paying job!”The cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on his breath, said, “What kind of a job would a bum like you have?””I’m a cunt stretcher,” replied Bob.”What you say, BOY?!!” asked the patrolman. “A cunt stretcher.”Of course the cop asked, “What’s a cunt stretcher do?”Bob explained, “Girls call me up and say they want to be stretched so I go over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and farther apart until it’s six feet across.”The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard and asked, “What the hell do you do with a six foot cunt?”Bob nonchalantly commented, “You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!”

“How can I ever thank you?” gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.”My dear woman,” Darrow replied, “ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question.”