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An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed
the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get
prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if
everyone was buckled in and ready.
“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except one lawyer
who is still going around passing out business cards.”
A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front seat. The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him. The Nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets of at the next stop. When the bus starts on it’s way the bus driver says to the hippie, “if you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you.” The hippie of course says that he’d love to know so the bus driver tells him that the every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. “If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder,” said the bus driver(male), “you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you.” Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun and right on schedule the nun shows up. When she’s in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. “I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first.” The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun. After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, “Ha ha, I’m the hippie!!” The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting, “Ha ha, I’m the bus driver!!!”
There’s a blind rabbit and a blind snake that are friends. One day, the blind rabbit tells the blind snake that he doesn’t know what he is, because he can’t see. The blind snake takes ahold of the rabbit and says, “Well, you have long fur covered ears and a short little tail. You must be a rabbit.” The rabbit was happy to know what he was. He tells the blind snake, “Come here and I will try to determine what you are.” The blind rabbit feels the snake and finally says, “You’re cold and slimy and don’t have any balls. You must be a lawyer.”
A man, visiting San Francisco, noticed a musty curio shop, which seemed to be
forgotten by time. It seemed very out of place in the busy city. The man’s
curiosity was piqued, and he entered the shop. The store didn’t seem to have
much traffic, and the shelves were full of dusty, but interesting items. The man
found himself strangely interested in a rather ugly brass rat on a shelf behind
the counter. Ugly it was, but he had never seen anything like it — it was so
incredibly detailed, and life-like. He asked the shopkeeper for a price.
The man was pleased to learn that he could acquire the rat for only $5, and he
handed the shopkeeper the money. But, before giving the man the rat, the
shopkeeper sternly warned him, “This sale is final. If you leave the shop with
the brass rat, I won’t take it back under any circumstances.”
The man thought the warning was curious, given that the rat only cost $5. Even
if he decided he hated the rat, that was hardly an amount worth worrying about.
He agreed to the shopkeeper’s terms, and left with the rat.
At first, everything seemed perfectly normal. But as he walked back toward his
car, the man started to hear strange rustling noises around him. Then he saw a
life rat scurry out of an alley, and start to follow him. Suddenly, rats seemed
to be appearing all around him, streaming out of sewers and dumpsters, all
following him and milling about his feet.
The man began to run, but the rats kept up in increasing numbers. The man
realized that he was being chased by literally tens of thousands of rats. The
ground came alive, as the rats swarmed behind him.
The man suddenly realized the significance of the shopkeeper’s warning, and
knew what he had to do. He turned toward the bay, and ran as quickly as he could
toward the water. When he reached the waterfront, he threw the brass rat as far
as he could into the bay. The rats raced past him, following the brass rat into
the water, where they drowned.
The man returned to the curio shop, and upon seeing him enter the shopkeeper
shouted, “I told you, no refunds. I don’t want trouble here. The sale was final,
and you can’t return the merchandise.”
The man smiled, and replied, “Oh, I don’t want to return the rat. I just want
to know — do you have a brass lawyer in stock?”
A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die and go to heaven.
When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who then says, “Sorry, heaven’s crowding up, so you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can’t get in.”
He looks at the teacher, and asks her: “What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” the teacher replied, “the Titanic.” So St. Peter let her into heaven.
Next he turned to the petty thief. “How many people died on that ship?” St. Peter asked. “Oooh, that’s tough, but I saw the movie, and it was 1,500.” St. Peter stepped away and the thief walked into heaven.
Finally, St. Peter turned to the lawyer.
He simply said to him: “Name them.”
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.A gentleman approached her and said: “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?””Yes, I know,” said the lady, “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.””But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can’t, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass!
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
Q: What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A: A lobotomy.
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Jag XK-8 in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver’s door of the Jag.
The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it wasn’t more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically.
His Jag, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
“I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.”
“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, “Didn’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”
“My God!” screamed the lawyer. “Where’s my Rolex?”
A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with his family. Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted.
“Darling, it was just a shark,” assured his wife when he came to. “You’ve got to stop imagining that there are lawyers everywhere.”
“Nasty looking crew you got to handle out there this morning, judge,” said the court officer. “Where did the cops find all those crooks?”
The judge replied, “The crooks won’t be here for another fifteen minutes. Those are the lawyers.”
Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client’s jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state. The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.
When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way. “Sure did,” the juror replied, “the other eleven wanted to acquit.”
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.
The Devil said to the lawyer, “I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money.”
“All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and I want to have anal sex with your 14 year old daughter.”
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, “So, what’s the catch?”