Running Down Lawyers

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. (As he’d had a bad time in divorce court recently, and blamed the lawyers.) Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud “THUMP” and then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.

He asked the priest, “Where are you going, Father?”.

“I’m going to the church 5 miles down the road!”, replied the priest.

“No problem, Father! I’ll give you a lift. Climb in the truck”.

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud “THUD”. Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn’t see anything, he turned to the priest and said, “I’m sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer”.

“That’s okay”, replied the priest. “I got him with the door!

Old Ladies Nipple

One day poor old Lena decided she didn’t want to be in this world any longer. She resolved to commit suicide. She figured the best way was to shoot herself in the heart…but she didn’t know just where her heart was. She called a doctor for the information.The doctor said that usually on a women, the heart is located about four inches below the left nipple.Lena followed the directions perfectly and was therefore very surprised to regain consciousness in a hospital.”I should be dead!” she wailed.”Don’t worry, lady,” the orderly answered, “your knee will mend before you know it!”

An Honest Lawyer?

An investment counsellor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realised she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.”As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.”She leaned forward.”Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?””Honest?”replied the job prospect.”Let me tell you something about honesty. Why, I’m so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.””Impressive….. And what sort of case was that?”The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, “He sued me for the money.”

Made by God

Grandpa and his grandson were sitting reading when she asked,”Did God make you, Grandpa?””Yes, God made me,” the grandfather answered.A few minutes later, the little boy asked him, “Did God make me too?””Yes, He did,” the older man answered.For a few minutes, the little boy seemed to be studying his grandpa, as well as his own reflection in the mirror, while his grandfather wondered what was running through his mind. At last he spoke up.”You know, Grandpa,” he said, “God’s doing a lot better job lately.”

Dui?

Two drivers collided on a country road. One was a lawyer, and the other was a doctor.

The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his whiskey flask.

The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.

“Aren’t you going to have a drink yourself?” asked the doctor.

“Sure, after the police leave,” replied the lawyer.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman and Curtis

brass rat

A man walked into a curio shop and began to browse. He was attracted to a brass rat on a shelf behind the counter. He asked the shopkeeper for a price, and was told to make an offer. Presently they agreed on a price, and the brass rat changed hands. The shopkeeper warned the customer as he took the money, “This sale is final. If you leave the shop with the brass rat, I won’t take it back under any circumstances.” The customer agreed and left with the rat. As he walked home, he noticed that a live rat came scurrying out of an alley and began to follow him. Soon there were more, all following him and milling bout his feet. The man began to run, but the rats kept up, and more joined the procession. After a few minutes, thousands of rats were chasing after the man. The man ran frantically for the river, and threw the brass rat into the water. The live rats followed the brass rat, and soon all had drowned. The man returned to the curio shop, and on seeing him enter, the shopkeeper shouted, “I told you, the sale was final! You cannot return the brass rat!” The customer replied, “That’s no problem. I just wondered if you had a brass lawyer in stock.”

Practice Makes Perfect!

A blonde just got a job as an assistant secretary at a major law
firm. She was to stay by the secretary and learn all she needed
to know. The one problem was that this blonde constantly sucked
her thumb.

After a few days the boss decides to give the blonde a ten
dollar raise. The lawyer than proceeds to ask the secretary how
the blonde is doing. The secretary said to her boss, “She’s
doing terrible! She’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen. And
she’s always sucking her thumb! It pisses me off!” The lawyer
smiles and disregards the message and tells her to give it
another try.

After a few more days the blonde does even worse than before;
she’s destroyed half of the law firms cases and broke down three
computers. The secretary gets fed up and looks at the blonde
(who’s still sucking her thumb) and says, “WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU
SO STUPID!?” “I dunno.” muffles the blonde. “AND WHY DO YOU KEEP
SUCKING YOUR THUMB!?” “Boss told me to.” “WHY!?” The blonde
looks at the secretary and replies, “Practice Makes Perfect!”

Redneck Hotel

They had lived together in the backwoods for over fifty years. To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, he took her to a large city and they checked into a plush hotel.She said to the bellman, “We refuse to settle for such a small room. No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning.””But, madam!”, replied the bellman.”Don’t ‘But madam’ me,” she continued. “You can’t treat us like we’re a couple of fools just because we don’t travel much, and we’ve never been to the big city, and never spent the night at a hotel. I’m going to complain to the manager.””Madam,” the bellman said, “this isn’t your room; this is the elevator!”

Outrun the Bear

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The
first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of
sneakers and started putting them on. The second lawyer looked at him and
said, “You’re crazy! You’ll never be able to outrun that bear!” “I don’t
have to,” the first lawyer replied. “I only have to outrun you.”

Screw her

Two divorce lawyers were having drinks in a lounge after a grueling day in the
courts. In walks the most stunning woman either of the lawyers had seen in a
long time. One of the lawyers says, “Boy! I sure would like to screw her!” To
which the other replies, “Out of what?”