Lawyer and a Doctor (Impaired of Hearing)

A lawyer and a doctor (both impaired of hearing) were riding a bus in New
York, and here’s an excerpt of the conversation they were having:

L: So you mentioned that you sue people all the time?
D: Yes, sewing is part of my job.
L: In that case I can give you my card, I could be useful to you.
D: Sorry we do only livers.
L: But I am alive, dont you think I qualify?
D: But you look fine to me, and I don’t see a reason to cut you?
L: Well, I could sue you for saying that. I am kind of sensitive.
D: Where did you learn that, I thought you spend most of your time in
court?
L: That’s what they teach us to do in court.
D: So do you have a nurse to assist you?
L: Actually the nerds taught us a lot back in school.
D: I think I really learned something today. My station has arrived, I will
see you again.
L: Perhaps we should switch our jobs, from what I learned today.
D: Didn’t I tell you before that we stitch only livers.
L: Do you mean I am dead? Look I am really losing my patience.
D: You are deaf too, well I think then we are friends.

Nothing but the truth

Mr. Smith asked his wife for advice about his upcoming court case in which he
could possibly win $50,000 from the insurance company. “Honey, if I lie, I’ll
win the case. But then I would have broken an oath sworn on the Holy Bible.”

His wife says, “I don’t want to advise you to do the wrong thing, but . . .”

“But, what?”

“Let me put it this way,” his wife explained. “Treat the prosecuting attorney
like I treat you in bed.”

Puzzled, Mr. Smith asks, “How so?”

Mrs. Smith replies, “Just lie there ’til he goes away.”

sleep in the barn

A police chief, a fire chief, and a city manager were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse. The farmer welcomed them in, but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals. After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn. Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig. The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief. A short time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O’Leary’s cow that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman’s worst nightmare, that of burning to death. The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn. This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.

Walking on Water

There was a Kentucky redneck and an Ohio buckeye, fishing on their respective sides of the Ohio river. Just as soon as the redneck put his line in the water, he slung a fish onto the bank, and the buckeye was catching nothing, so he yelled across to the redneck, “Buddy, I’d sure like to be on your side of the river!””Alrght, tell ya whut, I’ll shine my flashlight ‘cross this river, and you can walk across this little beam of light!” the redneck yelled back.The buckeye replied, “Hain’t no way, buddy. I know you think I’m a fool! When I get halfway ‘cross, you’ll turn your flashlight off!

heaven

Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the same day. The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to his quarters. The room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that found in a low grade Motel 6 type establishment. The lawyer was then taken to his room, which was a palatial suite including a private swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace overlooking the Gates. The attorney was somewhat taken aback, and told St. Peter, “I’m really quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was given such small accommodations.” St. Peter replied, “We have over a hundred Popes here, and we’re really very bored with them. We’ve never had a lawyer.”

Second Opinion

A Doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. The Doctor, clearly miffed, blurts to his wife, “You aren’t so good in bed either!” and stormed off to work.By midmorning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home.After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answers the phone. “What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?””I was in bed.””What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?” “Getting a second opinion.”

The Brass Rat

A man walked into a curio store and was looking around. After awhile, he chose
a brass rat and brought it up to the counter.

The proprietor said, that will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the
story behind it.
The man said, ‘Thanks, but I’ll just pay the $10 and pass on the story.’

He purchased the brass rat and left the store.
As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats
following him. The further he walked — the more rats followed. He walked down
to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him. So, he decided to
walk out into the water, which he did — and all the rats drowned.

He returned to the store where he purchased the brass rat, and when he walked
in, the proprietor said, ‘Ah ha! You came back to pay the $1,000 for the story,
right?’

‘Nope,’ replied the man, ‘Just came back to see if you have any brass
lawyers!’