Category: lawyers

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?

A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Four surgeons are having a coffee after performing surgery.”I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered.”says the first.”I think librarians are the easiest,” said the second surgeon.”When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered.”The third surgeon said, “I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are colour coded.”The fourth one said, “”I like to operate on lawyers. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and ass are interchangeable”

A persistent job-seeker once appeared before President Lincoln and demanded an appointment to a judgeship. He was informed that there were no vacancies. The next day, while walking along the river, he saw a drowned man being pulled out, and recognized him as a federal judge.

He ran back to the White House and demanded the position.

Sorry, said the President, but the lawyer who saw that judge fall in beat you here by a good five minutes.

When the man in the street says: “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,” the lawyer
writes:
“Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any
and all concerned parties to be imperceivable, and are so stipulated, it is
incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise the deferment of
otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures.”

After his motion to surprises evidence was denied by the court the angered
attorney spoke up, “Your Honor,” he said, “what would you do if I called you a
stupid, degenerate, old fool.” The Judge, now also angered, revered, “I would
hold you in contempt of court and seek to have you suspended from practicing
before this court again!” “What if I only thought it?” asked the attorney. “In
that case, there is nothing I could do, you have the right to think whatever you
want.” “Oh, I see. Then, if it pleases the court, let the record reflect, that I
‘think’ you’re a stupid, degenerate, old fool.”

So, this guy walks into a bar and tries without success to hit on several women. The bartender, who has been observing his lack of success, tells him “Your problem is that you don’t have the right profession to impress these ladies. What you need to do is tell them that you have an upscale job, like a doctor or c.p.a. or lawyer. That’s the kind of guy these women are looking for”.

The guy takes his advice:

“…and what do you do for a living ?”

“Oh, well, I’m a lawyer.”

“OOOOOOOOOOhhhhhhhh”

And with the typical quickness of action that you find in jokes, the guy soon ends up in bed with his newfound lady friend. As their activity intensifies, our hero suddenly bursts out in laughter.

“What, what, I don’t understand. What’s so funny.” she asked.

“I was just thinking. Here I’ve only been a lawyer for 3 hours, and already I’m screwing someone.”

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with “How much is two plus two?” The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, “Four.” The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced “Four.” The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked “How much do you want it to be?”

Fellow 1: “Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too.”Fellow 2: “Wow, that’s Incredible. How did he know all of that?”Fellow 1: “The judge told him.”

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?

They had pictures of lawyers on them … and people couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.

Lawyer’s creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

What’s the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?

Lipstick.

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. “Tim, you be first,” she said. “What does your mother do all day?” Tim stood up and proudly said, “She’s a doctor.” “That’s wonderful. How about you, Amie?” Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a mailman.” “Thank you, Amie,” said the teacher. “What about your father, Billy?” Billy proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.” The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy’s house and rang the bell. Billy’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation. Billy’s father said, “I’m actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?”

A man in a bar stands up and proclaims, “All Lawyers are ASSHOLES!”
A man at the front of the bar stands up and says “Hey! I resent that!”

So the first man asks, “Why are you a lawyer?”

“NO! I’m an asshole!”

Q: Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?

A: Because people could not tell which side to spit on.