Category: lawyers

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

An attorney passed on and found himself in Heaven. Not at all happy with
his accommodations, he complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only
recourse was to appeal his assignment. The attorney immediately advised St.
Peter that he intended to appeal. The attorney was immediately informed that it
would be at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The attorney
protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable. However, his words fell on
deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by Satan, who told him that he would
be able to arrange his appeal to be heard in just a few days, but only if the
attorney stipulated to change the venue to Hell. When the attorney inquired as
to why appeals could be heard so much faster in Hell, Satan gleefully exclaimed,
“Who do you think has all of the judges!”

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope!

Where do you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery!

Santa Clause, the Tooth Fairy, an honest lawyer, and an old
drunk see a $100 bill in the midde of the road. Who picks it up?
The old drunk. The other three don’t exsist!

What can a swan do that a duck can’t and a lawyer should?
Shove his bill up his ass!

Farmer John was injured when a truck hit his pick-up, and he filed a lawsuit
against the driver who hit him. When the case went to trial, the truck driver’s
big city lawyer questioned farmer John.

“After the accident, did you not say to the sheriff’s deputy, ‘I’m fine’?”
asked the lawyer.

Farmer John answered, “Well I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my
favorite mule Bessie into the….”

“I did not ask you about your mule,” the lawyer interrupted, “I asked you
about your statement to the sheriff’s deputy. Did you not say, at the scene of
the accident, ‘I’m fine’?”

Farmer John answered, “Like I was saying, I loaded Bessie into the trailer,
and I hitched it to my pick-up truck….”

The lawyer angrily turned to the judge. “Your honor, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the sheriff’s deputy
on the scene that he was just fine. Now, many months after the accident, he is
trying to sue my client. If his case is not a fraud, he should be able to answer
my question with a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ Please tell him to simply answer the
question.”

The judge, somewhat curious about the mule, responded, “Let’s hear
what he has to say. If he doesn’t get around to answering your question, we’ll
deal with it after we find out about Bessie.”

Farmer John thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well as I was saying, Bessie was
in my trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge truck ran the
stop sign and smacked my truck. My pick-up went into the ditch, and the trailer
tipped over. I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, and I knew that she was
in a bad way, but I was hurting’ real bad and I couldn’t even move. Then, the
deputy came, and he could hear Bessie, so he went over to her. He looked at her
for a moment, then he took out his gun and he shot her right between the eyes.
Then the deputy came across the road with his gun in his hand, looked me right
in the eyes, and asked, “Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How
are you feeling?”

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial – a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, ”Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, ”Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.” The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, ”Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?” She again replied, ”Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.” At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, ”If either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be jailed for contempt!”

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Hi stranger, my name is Mike. I’ll give you a free beer if you can guess the name of this bar in three tries.”The man says, “Thanks…Mike’s Place?””Nope.””Mike’s Tavern?””No,””Mike’s Pub?””No, but here’s a free beer anyway. Nobody ever get’s it. The joint’s name is Sally’s Leggs!”That’s a good one.” the man says and proceeds to get royally ripped.The next morning the man is still drunk and sitting on a curb, when a cop pulls up and ask’s him what he is doing there. He responds, “I’m just waiting for Sally’s Leggs to open, so I can wet my whistle!”

What is the difference between a dead dog in the middel of the road and a dead lawyer?

A: There are skid marks in front of the dog

A man walked into a lawyer’s office and inquired about the lawyer’s rates.”$50.00 for three questions.” replied the lawyer.”Isn’t that awfully steep?” asked the man.”Yes.” the lawyer replied, “What was your third question?”

Did you know that heaven and hell are right next to each other? Well they are and there seperated by a VERY long fence.

Well one night hell had a really big party and knocked down the fence. The next day God called satan over and told him to put the fence back up. Satan agreed and they then parted ways.

The day after that God came back and called satan back and said ”Satan look! The fence is now 3 feet into Heaven! I demand that you put it back!!!”

”And what if i dont??” Satan replyed.

”Then I guess I’ll have to sue” God replyed.

”Well how are you going to get a lawyer? They’re all in hell!”

Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don’t you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.

Q; Why does California have so many lawyers and New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps?
A: New Jersey got to pick first.

Q: Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
A: It’s called, Sosumi.

Q: Did you hear that the post office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers?
A: People couldn’t decide which side to spit on.

Q: Did you hear about the two Indian lawyers who formed a partnership, Cachem and Sioux?

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
A: About three pounds, including the urn.

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, “Have you ever been arrested?” he wrote, “No.”The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was “Why?”The applicant answered it anyway: “Never got caught.”

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?

A gigolo only screws one person at a time.