Category: lawyers

Justice, American Style The following exchange happened last March 5 on the show “Politically Incorrect,” between Bill Maher, the host, and lawyer Leslie Abramson, who defended the Menendez brothers: Bill: When do lawyers give a damn about the facts? Leslie: When did you or Geraldo give a damn about the facts? Bill: You defended the Menendez kids. What do you care about facts? Leslie: I don’t remember seeing you in the courtroom, Bill, so you absolutely don’t know anything about the trial. Bill: I knew they blew their parents’ heads off. Leslie: No, they didn’t. They didn’t blow their parents heads off. Bill: The Menendez kids didn’t blow their parents heads off? Leslie: No! Bill: What did they do? Leslie: They unloaded shotguns in their direction.

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, “Just what the hell you are doing?””Well,” said the guy, “you see, I’m a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can’t help practicing my art!””That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!” the guy replied. “I’m a lawyer. Do ya see me fucking the guy in front of me?”

What is the difference between a prostitute and a lawyer?

A: The prostitute will STOP fucking you when you are dead

I haven’t sold one tractor all month,” a tractor salesman tells his friend.”That’s nothing compared to my problem,” his buddy replies. “I was milking my cow when its tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied its tail up to the rafters. Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with its right hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie its one leg up to the rafters. I go back to try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head with its left hind leg, so I tie its other leg up to the rafters. Then my wife comes walking in and I’ll tell ya, if you can convince her that I was trying to milk that cow, I’ll buy a tractor off ya.”

Q. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, “Hey, Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”The panda yells back at the bartender, “Hey man, I’m a Panda! Look it up!”The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: “A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client’s jury to hold out
for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state.

The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.

When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.

“Sure did,” the juror replied, “the other eleven wanted to acquit.”

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said,
“I’m here ’cause my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by
the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.” “That’s quite a
coincidence,” said the engineer, “I’m here ’cause my house and all my belongings
were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.”
The lawyer pondered the engineer’s plight for a moment and, looking somewhat
confused, asked, “How do you start a flood?”

There’s a blind rabbit and a blind snake that are friends. One day, the blind rabbit tells the blind snake that he doesn’t know what he is, because he can’t see. The blind snake takes ahold of the rabbit and says, ‘Well, you have long fur covered ears and a short little tail. You must be a rabbit.’ The rabbit was happy to know what he was. He tells the blind snake, ‘Come here and I will try to determine what you are.’ The blind rabbit feels the snake and finally says, ‘You’re cold and slimy and don’t have any balls. You must be a lawyer.’

A cat died and went to heaven. St. Peter met the cat at the gate and said, “Welcome. Is there anything you didn’t have on Earth that I can get for you, here in Heaven?”.The cat thought for a moment and said, “Yes, I always had to sleep on a hard floor, could I get a warm soft bed?”. St. Peter arranged for it.Next, four mice died and went to heaven. St. Peter asked the same question, and the mice thought a moment and said, “Yes, we were always running on Earth, could we get roller skates here in heaven?” St. Peter of course granted their wish.About a month went by and St. Peter saw the cat and asked how he liked his bed. The cat said, “I like it alot, but I really enjoy those ‘Meals on Wheels'”.

** How can a pregnant woman tell that she’s carrying a future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.** How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.** How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories.

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off of you when you die.