three wishes

Did you hear about the guy on the beach who found a bottle? He rubbed it and, sure enough, out popped a Genie.”I will grant you three wishes,” said the Genie.”But there’s a catch.” “What catch?” he asked. The Genie replied, “Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for.” “Well, I can live with that! No problem!” replied the elated man.”What is your first wish?” asked the Genie.”Well, I’ve always wanted a Ferrari.” POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.”NOW, every lawyer in the world has TWO Ferraris,” said the Genie.”Next wish?” “I’d LOVE a million dollars…” replied the man. POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.”NOW, every lawyer in the world has TWO MILLION dollars,” said the Genie.”Well, that’s okay, as long as I’ve got MY million,” replied the man.”What is your final wish?” The man thought long and hard, and finally said, “Well, you know, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney….”

It’s Against the Law to…

In Oblong, Illinois, it’s punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.

No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.

Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn’t allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you — or holding you in his arms.

Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown — if they’re nude.(Apparently, if you wear socks, you’re safe from the law!)

In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it’s illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!

The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.

An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store’s walk-in meat freezer!

A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.

In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can’t go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job — for men only — called a corset inspector.)

However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because “the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male.”

It’s safe to make love while parked in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren’t allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.

Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can’t dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.

Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.

In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it’s legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.

A Florida sex law: If you’re a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can’t parachute on Sunday afternoons.

Women aren’t allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio, a man might see the reflection of something “he oughtn’t!”

No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and “her name is to be published in the local newspaper.” The man isn’t charged nor is his name revealed.

In Las Vegas, Nevada: It’s against the law to pawn your dentures.

In Natoma, Kansas; It’s illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suites.

Idaho Falls, Idaho: If you’re 88 years of age or older, it’s illegal for you to ride your motorcycle.

In Vermont: It’s against the law (not to mention impossible) to whistle under water.

In Alabama: It’s illegal to play dominoes on Sunday.

In Barber, North Carolina: It’s illegal for a cat to fight a dog (or vice versa).

In Clawson City, Michigan: It’s illegal to sleep with chickens.

A pet rooster cannot say cock-a-doodle-do within the city limits of Mount Dora, Fl.

In Richmond, Va., you must buy a license for 93 cents to sell song books on the street.

The U.S. government says it’s a crime to give false weather reports.

In Gary, Ind., you cannot go straight to the theater after eating garlic.

You can be fined $500 if you bother a butterfly in Pacific Grove, Ca.

In Maryland, a woman may not go through her husband’s pockets while he is sleeping.

There is no horse racing allowed on the New Jersey Turnpike.

In Waterloo, Neb., barbers cannot eat onions between 7 a.m. and 7 p.m.

Donkeys are not allowed to sleep in bathtubs in Brooklyn, N.Y.

In New York, you can teach your pet parrot to speak, but not to squawk.

Cars are not allowed to scare horses in Centerville, Ohio.

On the books in Tennessee:

In Alamo: A person found intoxicated must be given a large dose of castor oil by a local doctor…and failure to gulp it down will result in a fine.

In Newport: It’s against the law to tickle a girl under her chin with a feather duster in order to get her attention.

In Collierville: Keeping clean can be a chilly proposition, as a law there says all bathtubs must be kept in the backyard.

In Waverly: You better not let your horse near the tub, since horses are prohibited from sleeping in them, as well as in the house.

In Wartburg: The town strictly forbids single, widowed or divorced women from parachuting on Sunday!

It is against the law to have disco dance contests last more than eight hours.

It is against the law to call another person a coward if he refuses to duel.

The will

A lawyer meets with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.

�To my loving wife, Rose, who always stood by me, I leave the house and $2 million,� the attorney reads.

�To my darling daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1 million.

�And finally,� the lawyer concludes, �to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will, well, you were wrong.

Hi, Dan!�

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by

Enough

A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm’s senior
partner had passed away unexpectedly. “Is Mr. Smith there?� asked the client on
the phone. “I’m very sorry,” the receptionist answered, “but Mr. Smith passed
away last night.” “Is Mr. Smith there?� repeated the client. The receptionist
was perplexed. “Perhaps you didn’t understand me, I’m afraid Mr. Smith passed
away last night.” “Is Mr. Smith there?� the client again asked. “Ma’am, do you
understand what I’m saying?� said the exasperated receptionist, “Mr. Smith is
DEAD!” “Oh I understand you perfectly,” said the client, “I just can’t hear it
often enough.”

Sandwhiches

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they
produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

The owner became quite angry and concerned and proceeded to walk over and
ask them, “Jes what the hell to you think your doing?! You can’t eat your
own sandwiches in here!”

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then
exchanged sandwiches.

The Spelling Test

Three people arrive at the gates of heaven and St. Peter greeted them.
“Welcome to Heaven. We have simplified the process of admission, and all you
need to do to get into Heaven is pass a simple test. Are you ready?”

The first person said, “I’ve prepared for this moment for 73 years.”

“Okay,” said St. Peter, “spell ‘God’.”

“G-O-D.”

“Very good, enter your eternal reward.”

“That was easier than I thought it would be,” the second person said, “I’ll
take my test now.”

“Okay,” said St. Peter, “spell ‘love’.”

“L-O-V-E.”

“Excellent, enter your eternal reward.”

The third person, a lawyer, said, “Boy, is this is gonna be a snap. Give me my
test.”

“Okay,” said St. Peter, “spell ‘prorhipidoglossomorpha’.”
Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine

Whats Your Father Do?

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.

“Tim, you be first,” she said. “What does your daddy do all day?”

Tim stood up and proudly said, “He’s a doctor.”

“That’s wonderful. How about you, Amie?”

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a mailman.”

“Thank you, Amie,” said the teacher. “What about your father, Billy?”

Billy proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.”

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy’s house and rang the bell. Billy’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy’s father said, “I’m actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?”

Other Things Mama Told Me…

Not to cuss.

Not to cohabitate.

Not to use that language.

Not to go in the first place.

Not to invest in Telecom stocks.

Not to date sluts.

Not to eat with my hands.

Not to drink from the filthy bucket.

Not to train octopi.

Not to beat myself with slotted spoons.

Not to mix plaids and stripes.

Not to wiggle.

Not to beat eggs for an omelet during Uncle Freddie’s
funeral.

Not to save and collect my empty enemas.

Not to smell my feet.

Not to banish Captain Snuggles to the washing machine.

Not to lick the poison mushrooms.

Not to unlock the closet.

Not to wear her bras.

Not to �tickle the gator�.

Not to play with the children under the stairs.

Not to juggle the plutonium.

Not to smoke her cigars.

Not to seethe.

Not to let the dogs out, because she�ll know who did it.

Not to cry like a big, fat, hairy little girl.

Not to dance dirty.

Not to fiddle with my colostomy bag.

Not to get jiggy with it, or anything for that matter.

Not to tap on my brother�s iron lung.

Not to take candy from strangers.

Not to let Dad out of the closet.

Cross-examined

An Amish man named Samuel was injured when he and his horse were struck by a car at an intersection. Samuel sued the driver of the car. In court, he was cross-examined by the driver’s lawyer:Lawyer: Samuel, you’ve told us all about your injuries. However, according to the accident report, you told the investigating officer at the scene that you weren’t injured at all, isn’t that true?”Samuel: Well … let me explain.Lawyer: Go right ahead (thinking he now had the plaintiff on the ropes). Please tell the jury.Samuel: When the officer arrived at the scene, he first looked upon my fallen horse. Finding him injured, the officer said to me, ‘Looks like he has a broken leg,’ and then he took out his weapon and shot my horse dead. Then the officer came up me and asked me how I was doing. Of course, I immediately replied, ‘I’m OK!’