Category: lawyers

Two cannibals, wandering around in the desert for days without food, hungry and desolate, all of a sudden, to their delight, they stumble upon a dead human carcass, pristine from any scavenger, so the two cannibals sink their teeth into the dead human flesh, tearing it apart, one starting from the head and one from the toes.After a few minutes of eating, the guy at the head yells to the cannibal at the bottom, “hey, how is it going down there?”The cannibal at the bottom says “this is great, I’m having a ball.The guy at the top says slow down and enjoy it, you’re eating too damn fast.”

The two female teens were discussing a news article concerning gasoline fumes causing impotence in the male.”Aren’t you worried about Tommy’s new job at the gas station?Those fumes could cause him to lose the lead in his pencil.””Doesn’t matter.” giggled the other girl. “He doesn’t do all my writing anyway.”

What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested? An accomplice. What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested? A lawyer.

“How many can you afford?”
It only takes one to change your bulb…to his.
Two. One to change it and one to keep interrupting by standing up and
shouting “Objection!”
Three. One to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.
Three. One to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third
to sue the ladder company.
Three. One to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying power, or
negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb burn out in the first
place, one to sue the electrician who wired the house, and one to sue the bulb
manufacturers.
Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to
object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one
to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write
interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and
twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, lawyers only screw us.

Two lawyers are walking on the beach. A lovely blond woman in a skimpy bikini walks by.

Lawyer #1 says, “Boy, wouldn’t you like to screw her?”

Lawyer #2 then asks, “Screw her out of what?”

Fellow 1: “Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too.”Fellow 2: “Wow, that’s Incredible. How did he know all of that?”Fellow 1: “The judge told him.”

1. You have the right to swing first. Anything you do can and will lead to an ass-kicking. 2. You have the right to have a priest and/or an EMT present at the time of the ass-kicking. 3. If you don’t have a priest, one will be appointed free of charge, to read you your last prayer.The Miranda Rights As Cops Would Really Like To Read Them…..1. No, I don’t care who you are. 2. No, I don’t care who you know. 3. Yes… you DO pay my salary. 4. Yes… you CAN have my job. 5. No, I don’t have anything better to do. 6. Yes, I DO arrest real criminals sometimes. 7. No, I am not picking on you because you are _____________ (fill in some ethnic group/race). 8. No, I can’t give you a break. 9. No, I don’t know your friend, Officer ______. 10. Yes, you will be allowed to make a phone call. 11. Yes, I’m sure you will never do it again. 12. No, we can’t talk about it. 13. Yes, it DOES make me happy. 14. Yes, you WILL see me in court.

A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor and it’s inoperable – in fact, it’s so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains – there’s a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, “This is a rip-off how come the lawyer brains are so expensive?” The doctor replies, “Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?”

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

How many can you afford?

Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months.
The only other thing on the island was the tall coconut tree, that provided them their food. Each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree, to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.

One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, “Wow! I can’t believe my eyes! I don’t believe this is true!” The lawyer on the ground was skeptical and said, “I think you’re hallucinating and you should come down right now.”

So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just seen a naked blonde woman floating face up headed toward their island.

The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But, within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a naked blonde woman, face up, totally unconscious.

The two lawyers went over to her and one said to the other, “You know, we’ve been on this island for months now without a woman. It’s been a long time…do you think we should….you know….. screw her?”

The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked…
“Out of what?”

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: How many can you afford?

An anxious woman goes to her doctor.

“Doctor,” she asks nervously, “can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?”

“Certainly,” replies the doctor, “Where do you think lawyers come from!”