Category: jokes for nerds

What do you call a man with a shovel on his head?DUG

How do you confuse an idiot?

7

Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory when Ed
glanced over and noticed that Ted’s penis was twisted like a corkscrew.
“Blimey,” Ed said. “I’ve never seen one like that before!”
“Like what?” Ted said.
“All twisted like a pigs tail” Ed said.
“Well what’s yours like?” Ted said.
“Well straight like normal” Ed said.
“I thought mine was normal `til I saw yours” Ted said.

Ed finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shake down prior to putting it back in his pants.
“What did you do that for?” Ted said.
“Shaking off the excess drops” Ed said. “Like normal.”
“Shit” Ted said. “And all these years I’ve been wringing it!”

Ralph and Brian decide to go ice fishing.”This looks like a good spot Brian!” Said Ralph. So they stopped, and put there stuff up.”THERE ARE NO FISH THERE.” Said a voice from up above…he looked up in amazement.”Well Brian I guess I was wrong. Lets check over there.” He silently thanked the man for telling them…he would have wasted all the time!!! But once he reached the next spot the voice said again”THERE ARE NO FISH THERE.” “Well… lets try over here.” They gathered their things and went over to another place.”THERE ARE NO FISH THERE.” Said the voice again. Ralph looked up but saw only what he expected. “Hmm….ok thanks!” He screamed, and moved on. But again….the voice said”THERE ARE NO FISH THERE.” Ralph wondered for a second. Then he said”Are you God?” He asked. “NO I OWN THE SKATING RINK…..THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!!!”

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven, but one which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited by the clergy regularly.

I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?

I am glad to report that my husband who was missing is dead.

This is my ninth child. What are you going to do about it?

Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can’t eat or do anything until he knows for sure.

I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is as dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born.

In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing ten pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see.

My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven’t had any relief since. What are you going to do about it?

Unless I get my husband’s money pretty soon I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

You have changed my little boy to a little girl. Will this make any difference.

I have no children yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night.

In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

I want my money as quick as I can get it. I’ve been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn’t do me any good. If things do not improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

What did the retard say when someone mooned him?

wow, i must be turning into a werewolf!!

So this guy walks into a bar and says “ouch.”

A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”

“Is this her first child?” the doctor queries.

“No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”

After I stopped by this company’s booth at the recent CD-ROM
conference, the following letter arrived here from a major CPU
manufacturer…

Dear Mr. Rubinsky:

Thank you for your [company name] literature order.

We are very sorry, but the following items that you have requested are
currently on backorder:

PRODUCT CODE DESCRIPTION EXPECTED ARRIVAL DATE
T217 Dear Customer Cover Letter FOUR WEEKS

Your order will be filled at the earliest possible date. In the
meantime, your patience in regard to this matter is greatly
appreciated.

Please feel free to call our Literature Distribution Center at
[800-number]. Our operators will be happy to help you place an order
for any additional literature, or refer you to your nearest [company
name] sales office to help you with any technical questions regarding
our products. If you call to check the status of your order, please
reference your order #[number].

Again, thank you for your order, and we hope to be of service to you in
the future.

Sincerely,

[empty space here] [company name] Literature Distribution Center

Curiously, one week earlier I received the literature I had requested
— without a cover letter.

Excerpts taken from real letters sent to ‘Dear Abby’———————————————————————-Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I’ve never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?– Curious———————————————————————-Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I’m not even sure this baby I’m carrying is his.———————————————————————-Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It’s getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don’t know him well enough to discuss money with him.———————————————————————-Dear Abby, I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.———————————————————————-Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?———————————————————————-Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I’ve seen it. Now how do I get out?———————————————————————-Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.———————————————————————-Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn’t know he drank until one night he came home sober.———————————————————————-Dear Abby, Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn’t and he finally did it.———————————————————————-Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.———————————————————————-Dear Abby, Then you told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor.———————————————————————-Dear Abby, My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I’d like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he’d like? — CarolDear Carol, Never mind what he’d like. Give him a tie.———————————————————————-Dear Abby, Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early? — WonderingDear Wondering, The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it.———————————————————————-Dear Abby, I know boys will be boys, but my ‘boy’ is seventy-three and he’s still chasing women. Any suggestions? — AnnieDear Annie, Don’t worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn’t know what to do with it.———————————————————————-Dear Abby, I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can’t afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? — SamDear Sam, Yes. Run for public office.———————————————————————-Dear Abby, What inspires you most to write? — TedDear Ted, The Bureau of Internal Revenue.———————————————————————-Dear Abby, I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits.– RoseDear Rose, So would I.———————————————————————-Dear Abby, What’s the difference between a wife and a mistress? — BessDear Bess, Night and day.

one day there was a gay man who would always get a different man there were threemen and they were talking about how successful their kids were one man went to the bathroom and there left two men one said my son is an air pilot and he bought his girlfriend a airplane the other man said my son is a lawyer and bought his girlfriend a an car when the other guy came out the bathroom he said his son was gay and that his boyfriend bought him a car and an airplane not knowing the two other mens son was gay then the man said my son is dating your sons

There are two talking apple pies in the oven… one says, boy it sure is hot in here!”
The other says, “OH MY GOD!! A TALKING APPLE PIE!!”