Category: jokes for nerds

The crofter’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.”

Soon, a lusty baby boy was brought into the world.

“Och!” said the doctor. “Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern by…I think there’s yet another wee bairn to come.”

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.

“Na, dinna be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad…It seems there’s yet another one besides!” cried the doctor.

The crofter scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: “Well, now, mon. Do ye suppose the light’s attracting them?”

Q: What do you get when you cross a stink and a damio???
A: You get a stink-o-damio

A guy wins tickets to the Super Bowl in a charity raffle.Best seats in the house… right on the 50 yard line and close to the field. As the game starts, he notices the seat next to him is empty.He comments to the man across the gap: ‘this is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?!’The man replies, ‘Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been together at since we got married in 1967.’ ‘Well, that’s really sad, but still, you couldn’t find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?’ ‘No,’ the man replies, ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

Woo-hoo…check out these letters from tenants to landlords!

“The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared. “

“Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant. .. .”

“The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?”

“Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old page pensioner and need it straight away.”

“I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.”

“This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the
man next door. “

“The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.”

“I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.”

“Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.”

“Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.”

“Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.”

“Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.”

An idiot decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys a hundred chickens to get up and running.

A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died.

Another month passes and he’s back at the dealers for another hundred chickens, “I think I know where I’m going wrong” he tells the dealer,

“I think I’m planting them too deep.”

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell’s Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man’s pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man’s milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man’s plate, and then he took a seat at the counter. Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, ‘Humph, not much of a man, was he?’ The waitress replied, ‘Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.’

Once there was a chinese man. he worked at a food mart stand in a village. he could only say one word. he can say me me me me me,forks and knives, forks and knives and plug it in plug it in. There was a murder and the police man came up to the guy and said do u know who killed tht man, The chinese man said,, me me me me. Then the police man said what did you kill him with? The guy said forks and knives, forks and knives. Then the police man said i am going to take you to the electric chair. and the guy said plug it in, plug it in.

A guy is driving along the freeway in Los Angeles, and as he reaches downtown, he finds himself in the middle of a massive traffic jam that is blocking up five different freeways and sending lines of cars back for miles in all directions. After a while, he notices a guy walking from car to car down the freeway, stopping and talking to people through their car windows. When the guy reaches him he rolls down his window and says, ”Hey! What’s causing all this delay?” The guy on the freeway says, ”Well, you’re not going to believe this, but OJ Simpson has sat down in the middle of the freeway intersection up there, and he’s totally distraught, and he says there’s no way he can ever pay the $35 million he owes the Goldman’s and the Browns, and so he’s threatened to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire if people don’t give enough money… sufficient to cover the cost of the judgment. So I’ve taken up a collection to try to end the traffic jam.” ”How much have you gotten so far.” ”About ten gallons.”

From the US Parks web site:Grand Canyon National Park Was this man-made? Do you light it up at night? I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom — where is it? Is the mule train air conditioned? So where are the faces of the presidents? Everglades National Park Are the alligators real? Are the baby alligators for sale? Where are all the rides? What time does the two o’clock bus leave? Denali National Park (Alaska) How much does Mount McKinley weigh? Mesa Verde National Park Did people build this, or did Indians? Why did they build the ruins so close to the road? Do you know of any undiscovered ruins? Carlsbad Caverns National Park How much of the cave is underground? So what’s in the unexplored part of the cave? Does it ever rain in here? How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up? So what is this — just a hole in the ground? Yellowstone National Park Does Old Faithful erupt at night? How do you turn it on? When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep? We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?

Several years ago we had an intern who was not very swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary.

“I’m almost out of typing paper,” he said. “What do I do?”

“Just use copy machine paper,” she said to him.

With that, the intern took his last remaining piece of blank typing paper, put it in the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies!

What do you call a man who likes the color orange?

A man who likes the color orange!

Top 12 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon
Programmer

12. “Specifications are for the weak and timid!”

11. “This machine is a piece of gagh! I need dual Pentium processors
    if I am to do battle with this code!”

10. “You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you’ve read it in
    the original Klingon.”

9. “Indentation?! – I will show you how to indent when I indent your
   skull!”

8. “What is this talk of ‘release’? Klingons do not make software
   ‘releases’. Our software ‘escapes’ leaving a bloody trail of
   designers and quality assurance people in its wake.”

7. “Klingon function calls do not have ‘parameters’ – they have
   ‘arguments’ – and they always win them.”

6. “Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle
   the weak.”

5. “I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth
   contest. They will not concern us again.”

4. “A true Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!”

3. “By filing this bug report you have challenged the honor of my
   family… Prepare to die!”

2. “You question the worthiness of my code?
   I should kill you where you stand!”

1. “Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it!
   Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!”