Category: jokes for nerds

Sighting #1:
I was busy writing some computer program for one of my classes and my roommate asked me if he could use my coffee maker. I said, “sure.” The next thing I hear is, “Hey, where do you put the coffee?” I turn to see that he has filled the filter basket with water and is (unsuccessfully) trying to keep the water in the basket by plugging the hole at the bottom with his finger. He and the floor are both covered with water.

Sighting #2:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?” I said, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?” He smiled and nodded knowingly, “That’s why we ask.”

Sighting #3:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when he asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. He responded, appalled, “What on earth are blind people doing DRIVING???”

Sighting #4:
At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to “downsizing,” our manager spoke up and said, “This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often.”
Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

Sighting #5:
I worked with an individual who plugged his power strip back into itself and for the life of him could not understand why his system would not turn on.

Sighting #6 (a rare “double sighting”):
A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they’d take up less room. When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too.

Sighting #7 (from Tech Support):
Tech Support: “How much free space do you have on your hard drive?”
Individual: “Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?”

Sighting #8 (from Tech Support):
Individual: Now what do I do?
Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen?
Individual: It’s asking for “Enter Your Last Name.”
Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name.
Individual: How do you spell that?

what is black and white and red all the time?

If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data
points.

Real estate man: Would you like to see a model home?

Man: I sure would, when does she get off work?

Klein bottle for rent – inquire within.

He was a junior bank executive and he had swindled one hundred thousand dollars from his bank – all of which he’d lost at the races. The bank examiners were coming the next day, and when he confessed the whole thing to his wife, she packed her bags and left him. Totally despondent, he walked to a nearby bridge and stood at the edge of it about to jump off and end it all.

Suddenly a voice called, “Young man, don’t do that! There is no need to end your life! I’m a witch and I can help you!” “I doubt it,” he said sadly, “I’ve stolen a hundred thousand dollars from the bank, for which I’ll probably be arrested tomorrow, and my wife has left me.”

“Young man, witches can do anything,” she said. “I’m going to perform a witch miracle. “She said, “ALAKAZAM! The hundred thousand dollars has been replaced and there’s another hundred thousand in your safe deposit box! ALAKAZAM! Your wife is back home again!”

He looked at her in disbelief, “Is this all true?” he asked.

“Of course,” she said, “But to keep it true you must do one thing.”

“Anything!” he said, “Anything!”

“You must take me to a motel and make passionate love to me.”

He stared at her. She was an ugly old crone- as ugly as they could be, dressed in rags. Nevertheless, he agreed to her terms. He took her to a motel and made love to her all night. In the morning, as he was getting dressed and combing his hair in front of the mirror, she lay on the bed watching silently. Finally, she asked, “Sonny, how old are you?”

“I’m thirty-two,” he said.

“Tell me something, then,” she said. “Aren’t you a little too old to believe in witches?”

A MOM HAS 3 KIDS. THE 1ST KID GOES UP TO THE MOM AND GOES MOM WHY DID YOU NAME ME FEATHER. SHE SAID BECAUSE WHEN YOU WERE BORN A FEATHER FELL ON YOUR HEAD. THE 2ND KID CAME UP TO THE MOM AND SAID MOM WHY DID YOU NAME ME ROSE PETAL. SHE SAID BECAUSE WHEN YOU WERE BORN A ROSE PETAL WAS BORN. THE THIRD KID GOES TO THE MOM AND SAYS “EHAH” AND THE MOM SAID SHUT-UP BRICK!

A man walks into the bathroom, and steps up to a urinal. He can’t help but notice the short man at the urinal next to him, and the large penis this man has.

He says to the short man, “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice what a large penis you have.” The short man replies, “I am a leprechaun, and I can grant you three wishes.”

The man is kind of skeptical, but he decides to believe him anyway. “OK, “He says, “I want to live in a mansion.” The short man replies, “Sure. Tomorrow morning you will wake up in it.”

The man says, “Next, I want a beautiful girlfriend.” “OK, “the short man replies, “Tomorrow you will wake up next to her.” The man is still not sure whether to believe him, but he continues.

“I want a penis as large as yours.” “Alright, but the is one catch, the short man replies. “What’s that, the man asks?” “I have to have sex with you from behind, the short man says.

The other man thinks for a second, and decides anything is worth getting a penis that large. “OK, go right ahead.” The short man starts to do his thing, and the other man says, “I can’t believe I’m gonna have a penis as big as yours.”

The short man replies, “I can’t believe you thought I was a leprechaun!”

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he’s driving a car. The nurse asks him, “Charlie, what are you doing?”

Charlie replied, “Driving to Chicago!” The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie’s room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, “Well Charlie, how are you doing?”

Charlie says, “I just got into Chicago”.

“Great,” replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie’s room and goes across the hall into Bob’s room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks,

“Bob, what are you doing?!”

Bob says, “I’m screwing Charlie’s wife while he’s in Chicago!”

The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words.

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother- in-law, and headed over the embankment.
I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
In indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray dogs.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.

Once there was an english-man, an Irish-man and a Moari-man. They were all standing on a cliff, when you ran and jumped off it, you say something and thats what you land in. The English-man runs, jumps and says Jewelery! And lands in jewerely, then the Irish-man runs,jumps an d says gold! and sure enough lands in gold, then lastly the Moari-man wants a good ol run up, as he does he stubbs his toe and says “SHIT!” and Hey Hoe What do ya know he lands in a big fat juicy turd!

Written By Liam Northcott, New Zealand age 11

someone calls to the owner of a hardware store.
caller: hey man do u have a 10 feet long pipe.
owner: yes.
caller: then put it into ur ass.
the owner is totally embarassed…
later after few minutes ..
caller: hey man do u have a 10 feet long pipe.
owner: yes.
caller: then put it into ur ass.
the owner in totally embarassed and he decides that next time he will say no.
caller: hey man do u have a 10 feet long pipe.
owner: NO.
caller: i knew. you must have put it into ur ass.
hahahahahahahahahah