Category: jokes for nerds

Three guys are walking along a road and it is getting dark so they have to find a place to stay! There is an old farm house so they walk up to it and ask the man if they can stay there the night, he says no because i dont want you to fool around with my daughter. They promise him they wouldnt and he says that they can stay in the barn but if he caught them he would shoot them. Later that night the daughter crept out to the barn, and the farmer caught them fooling around. He said now im gunna shoot yas well the 3 guys pleaded with him because the daughter came out to the barn eventually the farmer gave in, he said to them go out to my orchirds and pick 100 of your favourite fruit. They did as they were told. The first guy, Bob, came back and he had picked 100 green seedless grapes. In another room the farmer made him shove them up his ass. Bob left the room feeling a little bit green himself, but did not tell the other guys what was in store for them.
The second guy, John, walked in he had picked 100 red seeded grapes. The farmer made him shove them up his ass. At around 75 grapes, John laughed so hard he shitted about 30 out. The farmer told him to get on with it but again at 90 he shit about 20 out. The farmer yells Geez, boy whats the matter with you and John yells back in hysterics I was just looking out the window and Harry is out there picking watermelons!!!

An incompetent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money. At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making $15 bills. He figures that the only way he’s going to get anything from this batch of money, is to find a place where the people aren’t too bright and change his phony money for real cash. He travels to a small town in West Virginia and walks into a small Mom and Pop grocery store. He goes to the old man behind the counter and asks him, “Do you have change for a $15 bill?” The old man replies, “I sure do…How would you like that? An 8 and a 7 or two 6s and a three?”

Billy-Bob was walking into town one day wearing nothing but his gun and his boots. Just as he began walking down Main Street he was confronted by the Sheriff. ”Hey, Billy-Bob, ya mind if I ask you what you are doin’ walkin’ down Main Street wearin’ nothin’ but your gunbelt and boots?” ”Well Sheriff,it’s a long story.” ”I ain’t going nowhere,” said the Sheriff. ”Well Sheriff, a couple hours ago I ran into Mary Lou in the saloon. We had ourselves a couple of drinks and then we started to feelin’ kinda frisky and Mary Lou said, ‘Why don’t we go out to the barn?’ So we did. Then we started getting real close and cuddin’ and smoochin’ and Mary Lou said, ‘Why don’t we go out back and go up to the top of the hill.’ So we did. He continued, ”We started cuddlin’ and smoochin’ some more and the next thing I know, Mary Lou had taken off all her clothes and she suggested that I do the same. So I did, all except my gunbelt and boots. Then Mary Lou laid down on the ground and spread her legs apart and said ‘Okay, Billy-Bob, go to town!’ And, here I am Sheriff!”

“Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.”

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.

In a recent contest, The Washington Post asked readers to dream up new
elements for the Periodic Table. Among the best of the batch:

Limbaughium (Lb) – The heaviest known element. It possesses an
ever-expanding mass. Very white. Acidic. Emits heat but no
light. Instantly polarizes all elements that come in contact with
it. Repels protons and electrons; attracts only morons.

Billclintium (Bc) – With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this
element undergoes a series of interesting changes when in hot water.

Canadium (Eh) – Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more
rigid. Often called Boron.

Innofensium (Pc) – Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons,
neutrons, leptons, quarks. Completely inert, utterly useless, but
smells like a rose.

Newtium (Nt) – Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative
charge. Does not possess magnetic properties. Can be purchased
cheaply.

Quaylium (Vp) – Einsteinium it ain’t.

Budweisium (Ps) – Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable
from water.

Cabmium (Cb) – Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two
states, in motion and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped,
no matter what you do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The
charge is variable, and scientists have not determined the formula
for calculating it.

Politicium (Po) – Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in
that it can reach lethal concentrations in the House.

Congress (Cg) – Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.

Snot (Sn) – Bonds forever with corduroy.

Kryptonite (S) – Kills Superman. That’s it. That’s all it does.

“Good Afternnoon, Ridge Hall, computer assistant; may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”

“What sort of trouble?”
“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went
away.”

“Went away?”
“They disappeared.”

“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”
“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”

“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”
“How do I tell?”

“Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”
“What’s a sea-prompt?”

“Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”
“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”

“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”
“What’s a monitor?”

“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it
have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”
“I don’t know.”

“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
cord goes into it. Can you see that?”
……”Yes, I think so.”

“Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into
the wall.”
……”Yes, it is.”

“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”
“No.”

“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the
other cable.”
……”Okay, here it is.”

“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back
of your computer.”
“I can’t reach.”

“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”
“No.”

“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”
“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle-it’s because it’s
dark.”

“Dark?”
“Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in
from the window.”

“Well, turn on the office light then.”
“I can’t.”

“No? Why not?”
“Because there’s a power outage.”

“A power… A power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do
you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”
“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”

“Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”
“Really? Is it that bad?”

“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”
“Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer!”

A not so bright guy got a job in a factory and “the boys” soon befriended him. Just before lunch one day a fellow worker came up to him and said, “You notice how the boss has been leaving work early for lunch and comes back late the past few weeks? Well, I’ve been going home and spending time with my wife. You oughta try it.”

So our young friend snuck home, but as he entered his apartment, he could hear his wife and a man in his bedroom. Sneaking a peak into his bedroom, he caught his wife, with his BOSS in bed. Turning around, he quietly left the apartment and returned to work before his boss got back.

The next day, after the boss left, his friend nudged him and said, “I guess thats my cue! You gonna sneak home again today?”

To which our young friend replied, “Nah, I better not! I almost got caught yesterday!”

The basketball coach stormed into the university president’s office and demanded a raise right then and there.

“Please,” protested the college President, “you already make more than the entire History department.”

“Yeah, maybe so, but you don’t know what I have to put up with,” the coach blustered. “Look.”

He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. “Run over to my office and see if I’m there,” he ordered.

Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.

“You’re not there, sir,” he reported.

“Oh, I see what you mean,” conceded the President, scratching his head. “I would have phoned.”

It was dusk time when a man had a flat tire right in front of a mental health hospital. After unscrewing the four nuts of the flat tire, he noticed that a hospital patient is watching him from over a nearby embankment. He managed to step on the hubcap in which he had carefully placed the nuts. To his dismay, the nuts went flying into the grass on the side of the road. So he got on his hands and knees and started searching in vain for the nuts in the semi-darkness.

A few minutes later he heard the mental patient chuckle, so he shouted at him irritably, “What are you laughing at?”

The other guy explained: “Well, you have three other tires, each of which has four nuts… If you were to take one nut from each, you’ll end up with four tires being held in place with three nuts per tire. This should be safe enough for you to drive to the next town over, where you can buy a new set of nuts.”

Embarrassed, the poor car driver couldn’t help asking, “How come you’re so clever and you’re in a mental hospital?”

The patient replied, “I may be crazy, but I’m not stupid!”

PrincessSuzy writes:My school recently received an award for being an outstanding magnet school. The woman that presented the award said the following: “this is the best magnet school in the United States, maybe even the nation.”

Seems about a year ago (1998) some airplane manufacturer employees decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747’s.

They got it off the plane, out the gate and were having a good time fishing on the Stilliquamish. All of a sudden the Coast Guard Chopper came wop-wop-ing in, homing on the emergency frequency locator beacon that was activated when the boys inflated the raft at the river.

(Note: The boys are no longer with said aircraft company.)

Two dumb guys were taking their first train trip. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before. Each bought one.The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, ‘I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”Why not?”I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.’