Category: jokes for nerds

One day a guy was bored then his friend called and said”What are you doing?’ ‘Wathcing flies,I found 4.Two of tthem are males , and the other 2 are females.’ How do you know witch one is witch?’ ‘Well 2 were sitting on the phone and the other 2 were sitting on beer bottles.’

I give all of these people a DUH! – DOH! – & Woo-hoo!

HANDS-DOWN WINNER OF THE IDIOT CORPORATION AWARD!
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.
(Let that be a lesson to him!)

WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up.
(No one ever said you had to be “smart” to be a cop.)

NOW THIS SOUNDS LIKE IT WAS PLANNED OUT WELL…NOT!
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account.
(Maybe he should have pretended to have a brain!)

WHEN YOU THINK YOU’RE HAVING A BAD DAY…READ THIS
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month – a short in the homeowner’s newly installed fire prevention alarm system. “This is even worse than last year, “said the distraught homeowner, “when someone broke in and stole my new security system…”
(…hmmm, could this be the Illinois guy?)

NOW THIS IS WHAT I CONSIDER A DEDICATED CROOK!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
(Wonder if he paid himself time and 1/2 for the overtime?)

I WANNA BE A BRAIN SURGEON WHEN I GROW UP!
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.
(After his hospital stay, he was immediately enrolled in law school!)

FOOT IN MOUTH…UP TO THE KNEE!
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot”, the man shouted, “That’s not what I said!”
(Turns out, the witness was Blonde and didn’t pick him!)

NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
(Banks should keep Monopoly money on hand for these bright crooks.)

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place….

The man says “What’s the problem officer?”
Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going 80.
[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

Officer: I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.
[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

Officer: I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your
seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man turns to his wife and yells: “Shut your damn mouth!”

Officer turns to the woman and asks, “Ma’am, does your husband talk to you like this all the time?
Wife says: “No, only when he’s drunk!”

why cant an irishman make icecubes?
He forgets the recipe!

Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before the morning break, Pat yelled “Mick, I’ve lost a finger!”Mick said. “How did you do it?”Pat replied “I just touched this big, shiny spinning thing here like this… ouch! There goes another one!”

A magician was on stage doing his act, when he called for a volunteer from the audience. A man volunteered and went up on stage. The magician told himto pick up the 16 pound sledgehammer that was on stage next to a cement block and break the block apart with the sledgehammer so the audience wouldknow the sledgehammer was real.So, the man swung the sledgehammer with all his might and shattered the cement block. The magician now told the man to hit him square in the face with the sledgehammer. Horrified, the man said, “No way. It’ll probably kill you”. The magician insisted that the man hit him in the face, saying, “I’ll be fine. I promise you. Go ahead.” “Well,”, the man replied, “Ok, here goes.”Again, the man swung the sledgehammer and aimed it at the magician’s face.The result was very bloody. The magician’s nose was crushed, teeth fell out and blood everywhere. After 6 months in a coma in the hospital, the magician was lying in the hospital bed. One eye opened, the fingers flexed a bit, the other eye opened, and the magician sat straight up and said, “Ta-da!”

U so dumb u thought a quarter was a dollar

In rural Carbon County, PA, a group of men were drinking beer and discharging firearms from the rear deck of a home owned Irving Michaels, age 27. The men were firing at a raccoon that was wandering by, but the beer apparently impaired their aim and, despite of the estimated 35 shots the group fired, the animal escaped into a 3 foot diameter drainage pipe some 100 feet away from Mr. Michaels deck.

Determined to terminate the animal, Mr. Michaels retrieved a can of gasoline and poured some down the pipe, intending to smoke the animal out. After several unsuccessful attempts to ignite the fuel, Michaels emptied the entire 5 gallon fuel can down the pipe and tried to ignite it again, to no avail.

Not one to admit defeat by wildlife, the determined Mr. Michaels proceeded to slide feet-first approximately 15 feet down the sloping pipe to toss the match. The subsequent rapidly expanding fireball propelled Mr. Michaels back the way he had come, though at a much higher rate of speed.

He exited the angled pipe “like a Polaris missile leaves a submarine,” according to witness Joseph McFadden, 31. Mr. Michaels was launched directly over his own home, right over the heads of his astonished friends, onto his front lawn.

In all, he traveled over 200 feet through the air. “There was a Doppler Effect to his scream as he flew over us,” McFadden reported, “Followed by a loud thud.”

Amazingly, he suffered only minor injuries.

“It was actually pretty cool,” Michaels said, “Like when they shoot someone out of a cannon at the circus. I’d do it again if I was sure I wouldn’t get hurt.”

In an issue of Meat & Poultry magazine, editors quoted from “Feathers,” the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation, telling the following story:

The US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane’s windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies. The theory is that if the windshield doesn’t crack from the carcass impact, it’ll survive a real collision with a `ird during flight.

It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they’re developing. They borrowed FAA’s chicken launcher,loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, broke the engineer’s chair and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine’s cab.

The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: Use a thawed chicken.

Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and here’s how…

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn’t know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
His belt doesn’t go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Surfing in Nebraska.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few peas short of a casserole.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn’t pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. “There are too many business grads out there,” he said. “If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened.”

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted, “That’s not what I said!”

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-theLooms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. “He was seen hopping and jumping around,” said police spokesman Mike Carey, “with an explosion taking place inside his pants.” Police have the man’s charred trousers in custody.

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

There is report of a 2 seater private plane which crashed into a large cemetary.The Fire Dept has reported recovering over 300 bodies and are still digging…..