Category: jokes for nerds

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest and on, and on.One afternoon an orderly entered the room. “Time to take your temperature, General.” After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer. “Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end.” A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for. The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, “Stay exactly like that and don`t move. I’ll be back in five minutes to check up on you,” and withdrew.An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, “What’s going on here?””Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?” the general barked.”Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?”

There were three men in sauna. Their names were Tom, Matt, and Seb. They suddenly heard a bleeping sound and it turned out that Tom had a Pager Chip in his head. Matt and SEb thought that was cool. after 10 minutes they heard a ringing sound.It turned out that Matt had a Telephone chip in his wrist. Tom and Seb thought that was cool. Seb was quite embarassed because he had nothing to show Matt and Tom that he thought would be cool enough. So he got out and went to the toilet. When he came back he had a long peice of toilet paper hanging out his bum with scribbles on it. When Tom and Matt asked him wat that was, he said that he was recieving mail!

I heard that people are getting laid off at IBM. I bet they open
their pay envelopes and find, “This paycheck intentionally left
blank”.

How do you make a skeleton sad?
answer take away his funny bone.
Sent in by Jen wells age 12 ma

A guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship.” The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat.” The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s not a raft.” Then, out of the surf comes a gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.She comes up to the guy and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?””Ten years!”, he says.She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!”Then she asks, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?”He replies, “Ten years!”She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some REAL fun?”And the man replies, “My God! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there!”

Vito and Vladimir

There were two guys who wanted to pick up women on a beach. One was Italian (Vito) and the other was Russian (Vladimir). Vito had no problem picking up gorgeous women; he was the most popular guy on the beach. But Vladimir had no success.

Vladimir: “Vito! How do you do it? How do you attract so many beautiful women?”
Vito: “Well, I’ll tell ya! But it’s a secret . . just between you and me. I don’t want my system to become too public.”

Vladimir : “OK. It’s a deal.”

Vito: “You see those potatoes over there? Well, every time I come to the beach I take one and put it in my Speedo. When the women see it, they come running from miles around.”

Vladimir : “That’s it? I can do that.”

The next day, Vladimir went over to the produce stand and picked out the biggest, most perfectly shaped potato he could find. He then went into the changing room and slipped it into his Speedo. As he walked out onto the beach, he immediately noticed that women . . .and men began to notice of him. “It’s working, he thought.” But soon
he began to realize that they were not looking interested but rather upset, almost disgusted by the sight of him.

He rushed over to Vito and asked “Vito, what’s the problem? Why isn’t it working?”

Vito: “Because you’re supposed to put the potato in the FRONT!!”

how to keep and idiot busy
scroll down

keep going

dont give up!

your almost there!

your here!

how to keep an idiot busy
scroll up

13. Saws a gummie bear in half, then puts it back together. 12. Insists that his magic won’t work if he puts his clothes back on. 11. “The Amazing Kevorkian” is scaring the Hell out of Grandma. 10. Makes a bird appear for the kids by simply raising his middle finger. 9. Replaces pulling a rabbit out of his hat with the slightly racier pulling the “big snake” out of his pants. 8. She closes her eyes, then claims to be invisible. 7. His first and only trick: The Amazing Disappearing Bottle of Jagermeister 6. During one trick, screams “Pick a freakin’ card already or I swear I’ll blow the little birthday boy’s head off!” 5. Begins by saying his first trick “relies on the magic of sweet, sweet love.” 4. His biggest trick? Converting a sixer of Coors into “liquid gold” — eventually. 3. Smoke emanating from more than just the fingertips of The Magnificent Flatulo. 2. Before every trick, tells hostess: “For this one I’m going to need to borrow your bra.” 1. Her “magic words” after sawing a volunteer in half? “Ohshitohshitohshit!!”

A man frantically calls 911 and says, “help…my wife has gone into labor and her contractions are 10 minutes apart”.

911: “is this her first child?”.

Man: “Of course not, you idiot…this is her husband”!

Young Boudreaux applied for an engineering job way, way up north in Shreveport. A local man applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one question. The manager went up to Boudreaux and said “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the local man the job.” Boudreaux said “Why you gonna be doin dat sir, we both got 9 questions right?”

The manager said, “We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one you missed.”

Boudreaux asked “An jus how da heck would one incorrect answer be mo betta dan da otter?”

The manager replied, “Simple, the local man put down on question #5, ‘I don’t know,’ you put down, ‘neither do I.’

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. “I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look” she said. “What’s your secret for a long and happy life?” “I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day.” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.” “That’s amazing.” the woman said. “How old are you?” “Twenty-six.” he said.

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. ‘Wow, this is great,’ he thought. It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.’Hey,’ he called. ‘I’m a rabbit from the laboratory and I’ve just escaped. Are you guys wild rabbits?”Yes we are. We’re so glad you escaped, welcome to freedom, please come and join us,’ they cried.Our friend hopped over to them and after normal rabbit introductions, started eating the grass. It tasted so good. ‘What else do you free rabbits do?’ he asked.’Well,’ one of them said. ‘You see that field there? It’s got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.’This, he couldn’t resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, ‘What else do free rabbits do?”You see that field there? It’s got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.’The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. ‘Is there anything else free rabbits do?’ he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.’There’s one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there,’ he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. ‘They’re girls. We shag them. Go and try it.’Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys.’That was fantastic,’ he panted.’So are you going to live with us then?’ one of them asked.’I’m sorry, I had a great time but I can’t.’The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. ‘Why? We thought you liked it here.”I do,’ our friend replied. ‘But I must get back to the laboratory. I’m dying for a cigarette.’