Category: jokes for nerds

EDITOR’S NOTE: I have no idea why Ridgefield is supposed to be filled with stupid people, feel free to insert your rival town wherever it says Ridgefield.Did you hear the story about the two half-wit brothers (local boys) that strolled into the Ridgefield Sportsman’s Bar one night? The bartender asked them, ”Do you know what has four arms, four legs and two heads and is really stupid?” The brothers shook their heads ‘no’. The bartender pointed at them and said, ”It’s you and your brother.” The brothers then decided to pull the same joke on someone else. They walked over to the pool table where twin brothers were playing pool and asked them, ”Do you know what has four arms. four legs, two heads and is really stupid?” One of the brothers of the first party couldn’t wait for them to answer, he said, ”It’s me and my brother.”Q: What magazine is banned in all Ridgefield stores? A: Good Housekeeping!The reason Ridge-runners (residents of Ridgefield) take their dogs to the ”Dog House” for baths is, when they do it themselves the dog hair sticks to their tongues.Q: What is a good looking girl in Ridgefield called? A: A tourist.

yo mammas so stupid when she stiks a battery up her ass she says I got the power!

A guy went to the opera.He kept saying me me me.A guy went to a resturant. He kept saying forks and knifes forks and knifes.A guy went to a wrestling match. He kept saying bring it on. One day an old lady got killed. A police man came. He said who killed her.The guy from the opera said me me me.The police man said with what. The guy from the resturant said forks and knifes.The police man said im going to have to take you to police station.The guy from the wrestling match said bring it on!

This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend.

“I know this midget who wants to buy a horse. He has a slight speech impediment, so listen carefully, I’m sending him over.”

The Midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse.
“A female horth,” the midget replies. So the owner shows him one. “Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth?” So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse’s mouth.

“Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?” So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes. “OK, what about the earsth?”
Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears.

“OK, finally, I’d like to see her twat.” With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse’s twat, then pulls him out.

Shaking his head, the midget says, “Perhapth I should rephrase. I’d like to see her run!”

A man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman.

“No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of GOLD!”

She said she didn’t believe him, so she called the bar.

“Hello,” she said, “I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question; are your urinals covered in gold?”

To which she heard the bartender say, “Hey, Clarence, –
I think we found the guy who pissed in your saxophone!”

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, “Hey, let’s take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door.”So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, “Who is it?””Blind man!”The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, “He’s blind, he can’t see. What could it hurt.” They let him in.The blind man walks in and says, “Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?”

One day,3 blondes and a brunette were hanging
over a cliff from a rope that could only hold
3 people,the brunette said,I will let go!.
And the three blondes started clapping.

A man who had been in a mental institution for some years finally improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The psychiatrist that ran the institution decided it was better to proceed with caution, and chose to interview him first.

“Tell me,” said the doctor, “if we release you, as we are considering, what do you plan to do with your life?”

The inmate said, “It would be wonderful to get back to real life, and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you see, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped to put me here. If I am released, I shall limit myself to work in pure theory, where I believe the situation will be less difficult and stressful.”

“Wonderful,” said the psychiatrist.

“Or else,” continued the patient, “I might teach. There is something to be said for dedicating your life to expanding the knowledge of young people.”

“Definitely,” said the psychiatrist.

“Then again, I might write. There is always a need for books on science, or I may even write a novel based on my experiences in the psychiatric institution.”

“Another interesting possibility,” agreed the doctor.

“And finally, if none of these things appeals to me…
I can always continue to be a teakettle!”

Here are some actual label instructions on consumer products that may tell us that we are;

1. On a blanket from Taiwan –

NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists –

REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo –

USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink

AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray –

THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer –

TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids

LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles

OPEN OTHER END.

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins –

WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10. On a Sears hairdryer –

DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11. On a bag of Fritos –

YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.

12. On a bar of Dial soap –

DIRECTIONS – USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.

13. On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)-

DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding –

PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

15. On a Korean kitchen knife –

WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights –

FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.

17. On a Japanese food processor –

NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.

18. On Sainsbury’s peanuts –

WARNING – CONTAINS NUTS.

19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts

INSTRUCTIONS – OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.

20. On a Swedish chainsaw –

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.

21. On a child’s superman costume –

WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.

22. On some frozen dinners

SERVING SUGGESTION DEFROST.

23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box

FITS ONE HEAD.

24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron

DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

25. On Boot’s “Children’s” cough medicine

DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

26. On Nytol sleep aid

WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.

A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, “Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!”

He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can’t help but wonder why they are chanting “Thirteen!” over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far.

His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside.

He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, “Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!”

A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.”Excuse me,” she said, “I’m in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?”The clerk turned, looked her up and down, and smiled, “Not bad.”

there was a brother & sister in the bath together the little boy says to his mam whats that on my sister the mam replies err… its a garage then the little girl says to her dad whats that hanging from my brother he says erm… its a tractor the door bell rings & mama goes down to answer it then the phone rings & dad goes to pick it up whilst the two parents are away the children get up to mischief the parents return to see blood every where they both shriek WHATS HAPPENED the boy replies i tried to park my tractor in the garage but it wouldn,t fit sooo…. i cut off the two back wheels