Category: jokes for nerds

A man calls the psychiatrist at a mental hospital and asks who’s in room
24.

“Nobody” comes the reply.

“Good” says the man, “I must have escaped!”

The following was taken from a Florida newspaper:

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside.

Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to aome home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette.

After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street.

The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his ankle.

what do you call a boiling egg?
A egg in water!!!

A physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer are taking a rail
trip through Scotland. Gazing out the window, they see a black sheep.

The engineer says, “How interesting! Scottish sheep are black!”

“No, no,” says the physicist, “we only know that some Scottish
sheep are black.”

The mathematician heaves a deep sigh, and says, “We know that
there exists at least one sheep in Scotland, at least one side of which
is black.”

Whats the fastest thing in the world?……a fart gos through your pants doesent leave a mark.

Q. what do you call a dog with no legs and a metal willy?

A. SPARKY

started fighting the other day walked into B and Q guy says to me do you want decking so i fucking smacked him

there are three men from china and they dont speek any english and they go into a shopping senter. The first man went in to a bird whatching place and he learnt how to say ” I see I see I see” then the second man went into a resterant and lernt how to say knife and fork then the third man went into a lolly shop and learnt how to say goody goody gum drops. on the way out of the shopping senter there had been a murder and the police man said did any one see what happend and the man from the bird whatching place said I see then the police man said did you see what with and the man from the resterant said knife and fork then the police man said thats it you to are to suspishis you are going to jail then the man who came from the lolly shop said goddy goody gum drops

When John Sculley ran Apple Computer he said Apple had
bought a [Cray] supercomputer for about
$14.5 million and was using it to develop
its next-generation Apple.

Cray’s chief executive John Rollwagen
said he hadn’t wanted Apple to think this
was a one-way street. So, he said, “since
they were good enough to buy one of our
machines, some of us have bought a few
of theirs.”

Rollwagen also said he told Seymour Cray
… about how Apple was using the machine.
“There was a pause on the other end of the
line,” [he] recalls, “and Seymour said, ‘That’s
interesting, because I’m designing the next
Cray with an Apple.’ “

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership”. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up.

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school’s drug policy last week – for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him “jump higher.”

A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school’s “zero-tolerance” policy…not to be confused with the “zero-intelligence” policy.

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month – a short in the homeowner’s newly installed fire prevention alarm system. “This is even worse than last year,” said the distraught homeowner, “when someone broke in and stole my new security system…”

A stitch in time saves nine. Nine what?
Are there any unguided missiles?
Are you breaking the law if you drive past those road signs that say “Do Not Pass”?
How can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
Do fat people go skinny-dipping or do they call it fat-dipping?
Crime doesn’t pay… does that mean my job is a crime?
Day light savings time – why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Do blind dogs have seeing-eye humans?
Do crematoriums give discounts to burn victims?
Do hummingbirds hum because they don�t know the words?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world ‘up over’?
When they asked George Washington for his ID, did he just whip out a quarter?
Does a man-eating shark eat women, too?
Does that screwdriver really belong to Phillip?
How can you tell when it is time to tune your bagpipes?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

Two guys, of limited intelligence, were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface.

After floating under blazing heat, for 6 days, they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies come in).

They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a tired old genie who said, “OK, so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, I’ve been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a while now and quite frankly, I’m burned out. You guys only get 1 wish and then I’m outta here. Make it a good one.”

The first guy, blurted out, without thinking, “Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!” “Fine,” said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean to beer.

“Great move, Einstein”, said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the side of the head. “Now we’re gonna have to piss in the boat.”