Category: jokes for nerds

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, (located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield, California) some folks who were new to boating were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get their brand new 22-ft. Bayliner to perform.

It wouldn’t get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted over to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong.

A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

Quick, Spock! Beam me out of here!

For mole control call Avogadro: 602-3000 000 000 000 …

My brother-in-law goes into a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. He looks on the side of his cup and finds a peel off prize. He pulls off the tab and yells, “I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home; I WON a motor home!”

The waitress runs over and says, “That’s impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!”

My brother-in-law replies, “No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!”

By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, “You couldn’t possibly have won a motor home because we don’t have that as a prize!”

Once again, my brother in-law says, “No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!”

The manager grabs the prize ticket and reads, “WIN A BAGEL.”

So this guy named Frank was all out of food to eat, he had no money and he was hungry.So his dog walks up to him and he thinks “well I could eat dog food” so he did.

3 weeks later his boss is sitting in his office and says well where has Frank been?

So he goes over to Franks house and a whole bunch of F.B.I agents are there.
Franks boss goes up to one of the agents and says what went on here?

The F.B.I. agent said well the guy who lives here died”. then Franks boss said how?

The agent said ” From what we know he was trying to lick his butt and he fell off of the couch and hit his head on the coffee table.

PLEASE ENGAGE BRAIN BEFORE SPEAKING

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
— Mariah Carey

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
— Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana…. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can’t remember what they are.
— Matt Lauer on NBC’s Today show, August 22

I haven’t committed a crime.
What I did was fail to comply with the law.
— David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.
— Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.

I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
— Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
— Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued…. Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976.
— Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid

The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history… this century’s history…. We all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century.
— Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust.

Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself.
— Chicago Rotary Club journal, “Gyrator”

The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It’s only the people who make them less safe.
— Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.

I’ve always thought that under populated countries in Africa are vastly under polluted.
— Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries.

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.
— Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island.

The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.
— Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, “Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?” The guard replies, “They are 3 million, four years, and six months old.” “That’s an awfully exact number,” says the tourist. “How do you know their age so precisely?” The guard answers, “Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.”

Boredom should NEVER be an symptom in your life. All you need to do is read this list and Rock-N-Roll!
WARNING: Some of these may result in people chasing you. Always wear tennis shows and have your escape route planned out 🙂

1: Reply to everything someone says with, “that’s what YOU think!”

2: Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and re-route entire streets.
(This one is especially useful if you’re having a yard sale!)

3: Ask people what gender they are. When they reply, ask – “are you sure?”
(Not recommended at Biker Bars)

4: Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and repeatedly saying “blah, blah, blah, blah”.

5: Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
(Works even better if your rent a cop uniform.)

6: Go to your local mall. Walk up to strangers and say: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.” If they answer you, go to plan 4 above. Be prepared to run real fast 🙂

7: Go to the local electronics or appliance store. Adjust the tint on all their TV’s so that all the people are green. When an employees asks what you’re doing, insist that you “like it that way.”

8: Drive around your city or town honking at pedestians. Flip them off while driving by. Collect points for reactions:

A: They flip you off – plus 20 points.
B: They wave at you – minus 10 points.
C: No reaction or blank stare – minus 10 points.
D: They trip or run into something while staring – plus 25 points.
Bonus: If they fall down, give yourself 100 points.

These “Weird Reference Questions” are from the Library Paraprofessionals Listserv. All of these are real and provide proof that a “better idiot” can be invented.

“Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?”

“Do you have that book by Rushdie: ‘Satanic Nurses’?” (Actual title: “Satanic Verses”)

“I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $
39.
95. Do you know which one it is?”

“Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park Sites?” hahahaha…what a bone head!

“Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?” hmmm…I don’t recollect any camera-toting cavemen…do you?

“I’m looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I’m having trouble with it in my neck.” (No…that’s your brain miss-firing.)

“I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months.” (I know…how about shooting yourself? That would get you life in prison!)

“I need a color photograph of George Washington.” (Ok…hold on…I’ll check with the caveman…)

“Is the basement upstairs?” (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk) This one gets the golden stupidity award!

WHY DID THE GOLFER WERE 2 PAIRS OF PANTS
IN CASE HE GOT A HOLE IN ONE

A king travels through the desert, when he suddenly discovers a man captured under a big rock, he throws a rope around the rock and ties it to his horse and pulls the rock off the man. The man, gratefull as he is, tells the king that he’s really a great sorcerer, and gives the king three wishes.

The king looks at the Sorcerer and says “OK, then I wish to be immortal”, the sorcerer replies “Puff, it’s done.” The king takes a knife and stabs himself and nothing happens, then he says “OK, then I want my horse to be immortal.” The sorcerer replies “Puff, it’s done”. The king, happy as can be, stabs his horse and nothing happens, then he says “OK, then I want my horses genitals.” The sorcerer replies “Puff, it’s done”.

The king, still happy, jumps on his horse and rides back to his castle, in the doorway he meets his friend Peter, jumps off the horse and tells Peter that he’s now immortal. Peter laughs, but the king gives Peter his knife and says “Here stab me with the knife.” Peter stabs the king as ordered and nothing happens, then the king shows Peter that his horse also is immortal, and replies “That’s not even the best part look at this” and the king drops his pants. Peter looks at the naked king and screams out loud “Damn that’s the biggest pussy I’ve ever seen…”

I don’t have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.