Category: jokes for nerds

A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker. “I think this one will really move said the broker, it’s only $1 a share.””Buy me 1000 shares.” said the client.The next day the stock was at $2. The client called the broker and said, “You were right, give me 5000 more shares.”The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4.The client ran to the phone and called the broker, “Get me 10,000 more shares said the client.””Great!” said the broker.The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9.Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, “Sell all my shares!”The broker said, “To whom? You were the only one buying that stock.”

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. ”How much do you want for the mower?” asked the preacher. ”I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle”, said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, ”Will you take my bike in trade for it?” The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, ”Mister, you’ve got yourself a deal.” The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, ”I can’t get this mower to start.” The little boy said, ”That’s because you have to cuss at it to get it started.” The preacher said, ”I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss.” The little boy looked at him happily and said, ”Just keep pulling on that string. It’ll come back to ya!”

Once upon a time, a cowboy that was supposed to be the bravest cowboy in the west walked into a saloon. Some men near him, start talking, and finally walk up to him and ask him to prove that he really is the bravest cowboy in the west.The cowboy agreed and asked what he had to do. Then the men told him that there was a haunted coffin upstairs, and if he could overcome the coffin, he would surely be the bravest cowboy in the west.As the cowboy reached the top of the stairs, he saw the coffin coming near him. This was way too much for him to handle. He ran out of the saloon and jumped on his horse. After he had gotten a good distance from the saloon, he looked back and to his astonishment, the coffin was floating in the air coming straight towards him.Soon the cowboy and his horse were surrounded by a tall canyon. The cowboy jumped off of his horse and ran towards one of the canyon walls, with the coffin floating even faster towards him. He tried to climb up the canyon’s wall, but it was just too high. He turned to look at the coffin coming closer and closer. He knew this was going to be it. Just then, as he thought there was no hope, and the coffin was so close he could touch it, he took out a package of cough drops, and the coffin’ stopped!

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.”Hello?””Hello, is this FBI?””Yes. What do you want?””I’m calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood.””This will be noted.”Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.The phone rings at Tom’s house.”Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?””Yeah!””Did they chop your firewood?””Yeah they did.””Okay, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”

how do you fit a elephent in a gum machien at kroger?
take the k out of kroger and take the f out of way.
theres no f in way

1) Walk up to any random person on the street and scream WHATS YOUR NAME!!!

2)Knock over a girl scout cookie stand and tell them that you were here first!

3)When your in a movie theater scream at the screen!!

4) ask a stranger what their favorite color is.

5)Act Gay.

6)Tackle birds for crumbs on the streets.

7) Think that your funny when your really actually very stupid and you say things that make no sence.

8)Every time you see a movie act like the charictars for days until you see a new movie.

A mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter`s plane. She had just come back from a far away land trying to find adventure.

As the daughter was exiting the plane, the mother noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head. The daughter introduced this man as her new husband.

The mother gasped in disbelief and disappointment and screamed,

“I said for you to marry a Rich Doctor! a Rich Doctor!”

dc

One day a man came home from work really horny, nearly dashing into the house to find his wife. On the fridge was a message that read, “dying roots -2:30.” Not so quick to be discouraged, the man hopped back into the car (as well as a man can hop in such a situation) and drove to his wife’s choice salon to whisk her away.Upon entering the salon, the man found no trace of his wife anywhere, and returned home. Seeing no other relief, he started upstairs to do some hands- on treatment when he saw his blonde wife working in the herb garden out back.”What are you doing out there?” he yelled from the back porch.”The roots started to show on the herbs so I had to dye them! Didn’t you see the note I left you?”

Say this to your frend.

there were two guys in a car at a red light. One of them says that light is going to turn green in 3 seconds.(123) Then the light turns green. Then the other guy says how did you know that. He said gay fags know everything.

Then at another red light he says a bum will pop out of that trash can. They wait a few seconds and a bum pops out. Then the other guy says how did you know that. He said gay fags know everything.

Then they go to this party they ring the _________ and if they say doorbell say gay fags know everything.

Dum and Dummer were roughing in a house when Dummer sees Dum throwing away half the nails.

“Hold it!”, says Dummer.”Why are you throwing all those nails away?”

“Because.”, says Dum. “The heads are on the wrong end.”

“You dummy!”, replies Dummer.”
Those are for the other side of the house!”

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out “GREEN SIDE UP!”

In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled “GREEN SIDE UP!” The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.

In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled “GREEN SIDE UP!”

The lady then asked him, “Why do you keep yelling ‘green side up’?”

“I’m sorry,” came the reply.”But I have a crew of engineers laying sod across the street.