Category: jokes for nerds

Headline in today’s newspaper:

“Suicidal Twin kills sister by mistake”!

Hobo shows up at the front door of a grand mansion. The owner comes to the door. Hobo says, “Sir, I am down on my luck and ask if you could please spare me a meal?”

The owner stared at the hobo for a minute and then broke out in a lambasting such as the world has never seen. “You shiftless bum!! I worked all my life for what I have and you make me sick, begging for food! How dare you!! You should be ashamed!”

The hobo lowered his head in shame. After a minute of silence, the owner began to soften toward the unfortunate man, and said, “Look, if you are willing to do some work for me, I will pay you and give you a meal.”

The hobo was ecstatic! “Oh, yes sir! I will do whatever you want. Thank you!” So the owner said, “OK, go around back. You’ll see a porch there, and a bucket of battleship grey paint and a brush. Paint the porch, windows included, and you’ll have a meal.” The hobo wasted no time and scurried around back.

About an hour later, the front bell rang again. The owner opened the door and saw a paint splattered hobo with a big grin on his face. “Now don’t you feel better,” he said. “Yes!” said the hobo. “I’m a new man!”

“OK,” said the owner, “come in and have some lunch.” The two sat around the kitchen eating and drinking for about an hour, when the hobo said he had to leave. He thanked the owner profusely for getting him back on the straight and narrow.

As the owner showed the hobo to the front door, the hobo turned and said, “Oh, by the way, that was not a Porsche out back, it was a Ferrari.”

The Darwin Awards

The annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year’s winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.

And 1996’s winner true story is as follows: The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what it was and what had happened. It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off – actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra “push” for taking off from short airfields.

He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO unit. The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 4.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds.

The driver, soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 fighter pilots under full afterburners, basically causing him to become two dimensional for the remainder of his trip. The automobile, surprisingly, remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20) seconds before the driver, applied and instantly, melted the brakes. Not suprisingly, the now blown tires left thick rubber marks on the road surface just before he became airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.

It is estimated that the driver hit the cliff face at a whopping 468 mph, the average cruising speed of a DC-9. Most of the driver’s remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

TOP TEN THINGS MEN SHOULDN’T SAY OUT LOUD AT VICTORIA’S SECRET

10. Does this come in children’s sizes?
9. No thanks, just sniffing
8. I’ll be in the dressing room going blind
7. Mom will love this
6. Oh size won’t matter, she’s inflatable.
5. No need to wrap it, I’ll eat it here
4. Will you model this for me?
3. The Miracle what?!? This is better than world peace!!
2. $45 bucks?! You’re just gonna end up naked anyway!!!!

And the number one thing that a man should NEVER, EVER say out loud in
Victoria’s Secret is:

1. Oh honey, you’ll never squeeze your fat ass into that!!!!!!

i knew a girl that was so ugly.how ugly was she? she was so ugly the only thing uglyer would have been two of her.

ur so dumb you tried to sit in the corner of a round room

Mr Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat. While Mr Jones is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which Mr Jones was keeping the lug nuts. the nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.Mr Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing.”Hey, pal! Why don’t you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels? That’ll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage or something.”Mr Jones is startled by the patient’s seeming rationality, but realises the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident. Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. “You know, that was pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?”The patient smiles and says, “I’m in here because I’m crazy, not because I’m stupid.”

A phone company puts an ad in the paper that they are recruiting workers.The next day, two groups of workers show up. The company cannot decide who to give the job to, so they give them a test.The company boss says, “Each crew will receive a telephone pole that they must install into the ground. Whoever is able to hammer it in first, they will get the job.”Both groups agree that this is a fair test, so off they go in the Company trucks with the long telephone poles sticking out the back. A few hours pass, and finally, at 5:00, the first crew returns. “YAY!!” they shout. “We came back first, we get the job!!” “Good work, men,” says the boss, “However, we must wait until the other crew comes back to make sure that the reason they’re delayed is not because of traffic, or that the truck broke down.” “Fine, no problem,” say the men.An hour passes, two hours pass, three hours. Finally, at 12:00, the other crew arrives. All the group is flushed and breathing hard, as if they had just gone through harsh labor.”What happened to you? What took so long?” asks the boss incredulously.”What do you mean, ‘what took so long?’ Do we get the job?” “YOU get the job? No way! The other men were back here HOURS ago!””Well, of course they were — they only put the pole in halfway!”

Why did they make a song about jimmy cracks corn if they dont care it goes jimmy crack corn and i dont care jimmy crack corn and i dont care!!!!!

I went to whirley whickle whackem.
There i saw bom backem .
I called tom tackem to run bom backem out of the whirley whickle whackem.

THE DARWIN AWARDS are given every year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.

Runners-up:
[AP, Mammoth Lakes] A San Anselmo man died yesterday when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad, authorities said.

Matthew David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff’s Department said.

Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from the lift towers, said Lieutenant Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit the towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated that the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.

[AP, St. Louis] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store: paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.

[Unknown] To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock — and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

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Special Merit
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[Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA] Blasting Cap Explodes in Man’s Mouth at Party

A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday.

Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne.

“Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it,” Payne said. “It wouldn’t go off and this guy said, “I’ll show you how to set it off.”

“He put it in his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth off, his tongue and his lips,” Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesman at Charleston Area Medical Division. “I just can’t imagine anyone doing something like that,” Payne said.

[UPI, Portland, OR] Doctors at Portland’s University Hospital said Wednesday an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive, and will be released soon from the hospital.

Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men’s rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous, in Grants Pass, Ore. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Roberts’ right eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have cut and Roberts would have died instantly.

Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the tip protruding at the rear of his skill, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said had Robert tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself.

Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, “I feel so dumb about this.”

No charges have been filed but the Josephine County district attorney’s office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.

After a two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, “Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?””Yes, we have, your honor,” The foreman responded.”Would you please pass it to me,” The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, “Please read your verdict to the court.””We find the defendant Not Guilty of all four counts of bank robbery,” stated the foreman.The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude.The man’s attorney turns to his client and asks, “So, what do you think about that?”The defendant, with a bewildered look on his face, turns to his attorney and asks, “Well, does that mean I can keep the money, or do I have to give it back?”