Category: jokes for nerds

Bird Tags According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: Wash. Biol. Surv. until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper: “Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you, it was horrible.” The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.

So Sven and Ole were out working in the forest one day. They had just gotten jobs as lumber jacks. Well one say they were working along cutting down all the trees that had the big red X on them.

As instructed by the foreman they were to yell ‘TIMBER!’ whenever the tree was about to fall. Ole was cutting down a tree and yelled ‘Timber’ and all of a sudden he saw a skidder pulling a tree out of the woods drive right under where the tree was about to fall. There was nothing he could do about it.

The tree fell on the cab killing poor ‘ol DooDah. That was his name for his parents gave it to him. He was a young man recentley married.
Well Sven and Ole didn’t know what to do, so they called the priest and he said to go talk and comfort DooDah’s now widow.

Well they walked out of the forest into town and arrived at the widows house. They were dumbfounded and didn’t know what to think or say. So quickly as the fact the tree fell…..Sven rang the doorbell.

A few minutes later the widow DooDah appeared at the door. Sven says that Ole has something to say. He’s at a loss of words and all that comes out of his mouth is ‘GUESS WHO DIED IN THE WOODS TODAY ….!’

Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.

a guy was in a restaurant the server took a bath of baseball and pertand to hit him and the guy said thanks wath happen?

Great advances are not produced by systems designed
to produce great advances.

ok. all my friends were at this dance, then this girl was dancing all slutty and she had alot of rolls, so my friend’s sister was telling my friend to go say something to her. so he walks up to the girl and says ‘rolls are supposed to be in a bakery, not over your pants!’ then the stupid girl said at least i’m not wearing a thong!
that was the stupidest comeback! and what guy would wear a thong??? and SHE was wearing a thong! it was soo idiotick!!!

He wipes with his shirt tails.

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.

2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again.

3. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

6. Stock up and save. Limit: one.

7. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

8. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

9. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

10. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

11. Dinner Special — Turkey $2. 35; Chicken or Beef $2. 25; Children = $2.00

12. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

13. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

14. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

15. For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames for sale.

16. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

17. Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.

18. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

19. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

20. For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

21. Man, honest. Will take anything.

22. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

23. Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

24. Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

25. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

26. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

27. Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

28. And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

29. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

30. Free Beer!!. Tomorrow!

Top Ten Worst Pick Up Lines at MIT

10. Do you really think I’m as sexy as Mr. Spock?

9. I think the electricity between you and me is throwing off the
   experiment.

8. I like your Maxwell’s Equations t-shirt. I’d like it even better
   on my bedroom floor.

7. I’ll see what I can do about your grade. (TA’s only)

6. You know what they say about the size of man’s calculator.

5. I make excellent use of my hard drive.

4. I hear the junior physics laboratory is gorgeous by moonlight.

3. I always carry protection –You never know when a pen might leak.

2. Hey baby, what’s your sine?

1. I don’t need your number, I’ll just finger you later.

A man takes his wife hunting, and impresses on her again and again that “Ify ou shoot a deer, don’t let someone else claim that they shot it also and that since they killed it… it’s *their* deer!” So… he’s in his stand hardly for 10 minutes when he hears his wife shooting nearby. He rushes over to her stand to find her pointing her gun at a man who is loudly disclaiming… “It’s your deer, lady… It’s your deer… Just lemme get my saddle off it!!!”

Q. What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

A. Where is my tractor?

A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician were all zapped up by a UFO
and studied by the aliens. One of the situations given was that the three
men were placed at one end of a long hallway and a nubile, young, nude
woman was at the other. The men were told that a bell would ring at a
constant interval. Within that interval, they were allowed to move half
the distance from wherever they stood to the woman. If they went too far
or didn’t go far enough, a laser would shoot them dead. At the first bell,
the engineer took off. The mathematician and physicist tried to tell him
that there was no way he could make it to the woman. The engineer replied,
“Sure, but soon I’ll be CLOSE ENOUGH!”