Category: jokes for nerds

Jon bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that he cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse’s tail and our friend was stuck again.The neighbor suggested Jon notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn’t tell them apart.The neighbor suggested he measure the horses for height. When he did, he was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black.

Seems a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and *splat!*… he flattened the cat.

Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants.

When the housewife came to the door, said he, “Pardon memadame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but I wanted to let you know instead of just driving off….”

“Not so fast”, says she. “How do you know it was our cat?
Could you describe him? What does he look like?”

The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said…
“He looks like thts”as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.

“Oh no, you *horrible* man”, she replied.
“I meant, what did he look like *before* you hit him?”

The man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed “Agggghhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!”

A very hairy man sat next to this bald man, the bald man asked for a donation and the hairy man said: I am very hairy….

An atoorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of the upmost urgency.

An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.

“So, what is it?” grumbled the governor

Judge Garber has just died” said the attorney “and I want to take his place”

The governor replied; “Well it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the undertaker.”

A young woman was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee. Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order. She asked, “Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?” The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, “Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me.””Oh good!” she sighed in relief. “Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf.”

Entropy isn’t what it used to be.

Frustrated young Mr. Hall
Pushed his clone off a very high wall.
He said with disgust,
“All it does is cuss.”
He was jailed for an obscene clone fall.

The following are actual stories told by travel agents (and you wonder why US citizens generally score less than the rest of the world on geography)…- I had someone who wanted to stay at the Bob Newhart Inn in Connecticut. When I explained that the inn was fictional, the customer became very irate and insisted ‘I know it is real, I see people check in every week!’- Also, I really did have someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window.- A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ‘would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?’- I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with ‘I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.’ Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, ‘Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.’ her response….click.- A secretary called in looking for hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find. I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that New Orleans was a suburb of L.A. Worst of all, when I called her back, she was not even embarrassed.- A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, ‘Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.’- I got a call from a man who asked, ‘is it possible to see England from Canada?’ I said, ‘No.’ He said ‘but they look so close on the map.’- Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay- over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ‘I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time.’- A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8: 20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am.I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!- A woman called and asked, ‘Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who’s luggage belongs to who?’ I said, ‘No, why do you ask?’ She replied, ‘Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m overweight, is there any connection?’ After putting her on hold for a minute while I ‘looked into it’ ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.- I just got off the phone with a man who asked, ‘How do I know which plane to get on?’ I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, ‘I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.’- A woman called and said, ‘ I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes.’ I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, ‘Yea, whatever.’- A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. ‘Oh no I don’t, I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.’ I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, ‘Look, I’ve been to China 4 times and every time they have accepted my American Express.’- A woman called to make reservations, ‘I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York’ The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: ‘Are you sure that’s the name of the town?’ ‘Yes, what flights do you have?’ replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, ‘I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Hippopotamus anywhere.’ The customer retorted, ‘Oh don’t be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!’ The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ‘You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?’ ‘That’s it! I knew it was a big animal!’

(true story)

A little old Lady from here in Tampa, called the Police some time in Mid Sept, and reported that one of her Lawn ornaments,(A painted Cement Duck), was stolen from her lawn. Rather distressed, she felt that she had to make the report, to have it known that there are thieving vandals in the area. Police noted the report, and let it slide.

Two weeks later, the Lady received a letter in the mail, written in the standard ransom note format, cut out letters, etc. But enclosed in the Letter were several Pictures…. of her Lawn ornament. The Cement Duck was dressed in a Leigh (Hawaiian Flower necklace type) with sunglasses and a Alcoholic Beverage. It was poised on a beach, with towels, and sunscreen, right near a sign that stated Wai-ki-ki beach.

The ransom note, not really a ransom note at all, Read: Having a good time, wish you were here

Questions are asked by lawyers.Answers are given by witnesses.- – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – -Q: What is your date of birth?A: July 15th.Q: What year?A: Every year.- – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – -Q: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.- – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – -Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?A: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’Q: And why did that upset you?A: My name is Susan.- – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – -Q: Are you sexually active?A: No, I just lie there.- – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – -Q: Let me get this straight, Mrs. Clarkson. Despite the fact that you had hired detectives to watch your husband’s every move, you yourself stood on that corner every night, in all kinds of weather, watching your husband and a woman enter the house, seeing the lights go on downstairs, and then shortly after that in an upstairs bedroom, and then some minutes later turned out entirely. Why in the world did you do it?A: I just wanted to be near my husband.- – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – -A woman charged with adultery was grilled by theopposing attorney.Q: Young lady, just how do you justify your course of conduct?A: Well, Judge, I gave him all he wanted. I kept him happy. I don’t see why he should be concerned about what I did with my leftovers.- – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – -Q: Well, you’re a pretty big man, aren’t you?A: Yes, sir.Q: How big would you say?A: Oh, about eight inches.- – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – -Q: You don’t know what it was, and you don’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?A: No.- – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – -Q: Did the defendant have an erection?THE DEFENSE: Objection. Calls for expert medical opinion.THE COURT: I don’t think so.- – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – -Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?A: Yes.Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?A: I forget.Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten.- – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – -Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?A: 38 or 35, I can’t remember which.Q: How long has he lived with you?A: 45 years.- – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – -Q: And where was the location of the accident?A: Approximately milepost 499.Q: And where is milepost 499?A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.- – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – -ATTORNEY: (in the middle of a long cross-examination): Your honor, one of the jurors is asleep.THE COURT: Well, you put him to sleep. Now wake him up.- – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – -ATTORNEY: And you can show us a copy of that oral agreement?- – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – -Q: Sir, what is your IQ?A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.- – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – -Q: Do you have copies of those estimates?A: I don’t know.Q: Do you have copies of the purchase orders?A: I don’t know.Q: Do you know who would?A: Do I know who would know? Yes.Q: Who?A: Me, if I knew.

Don’t use your cutting board– use your toilet seat instead. After testing various household surfaces in 15 homes for bacteria, researchers from the University of Arizona told New Scientist magazine that toilet seats were much more hygienic than most kitchen surfaces… and cleaning the punchbowl is a snap…

A police officer in Dayton, Ohio has been acquitted of criminal charges after allegedly using pepper spray on Brandy Martin, a 17-year-old Wendy’s restaurant worker who short-changed him at the drive-in window… we would like to commend the officer for keeping his service revolver holstered during the entire ordeal…

Janet Downes of Bellevue, Nebraska has finally decided who she wants to marry: herself. Ms. Downes has announced plans to wed herself in front of a mirror with 200 friends and relatives in attendance… what do you get for the girl who is everything?

Simon and Schuster has rejected a book proposal from Unabomber Ted Kaczinski detailing misrepresentations during his trial. The 4-page proposal was mailed to a senior editor in a “small envelope…”

Heinz Deutsch, a resident of Pattaya, Thailand was found dead of a heart attack when his wife returned home from a shopping trip. Authorities believe that the man died from over-excitement while watching World Cup soccer on television… this can’t be right. I’ve SEEN soccer on television…

A Mount Clemens, Michigan man bet his friends that he could stay underwater and hold his breath longer than any of them. He won. Police said the man was under water for five minutes before his friends realised he wasn’t playing around. Authorities said an autopsy will determine the exact cause of death… although “not breathing” has to be right up there…

The Humane Society of Arizona has offered a $10,000 reward for information on a rash of “kitten tapings” in the Phoenix area. Someone has been using duct tape to adhere several kittens to the pavement on Interstate 10…

Girl Scouts in New York State have received permission to kill about 70 Canada geese at Camp Woodhaven, after non-lethal efforts to remove the birds have failed. “It looks very bad for the Girl Scouts to be killing animals,” said Esther Swanker, president of the Mohawk Girl Scout Council. “This will disturb a lot of people…” the good news: new pate-flavoured Girl Scout cookies…

A Dutch tourist in Spain was treated at a hospital for an adverse reaction to the drug Viagra. Doctors in Alicante reported that the man was suffering from “a 36-hour erection…” I can’t find this category

in the Guinness Book anywhere…

Health officials in the Philippines insist you don’t need Viagra, as long as you have regular blood-lettings. “Blood-letting is good for one’s health,” says regional health director Charito Alfonso-Awiten.

“The old cells in the body will be replaced, making the person look fresh and healthy…” you may also want to get rid of those old, tired internal organs too…

A former high school teacher in Compton, California has been convicted of filing a false police report after claiming that four students “soaked her in excrement.” Subsequent forensic tests indicated

that the bulk of the human waste was “inside (her) slacks…”

Rescue workers in Delafield, Wisconsin may send Kelli Elias a $2,500.00 bill for their most recent effort. Ms. Elias got lost in the woods, officials claim, for the “seventh time in a week…”

A couple in Harwood, North Dakota were surprised Friday morning when a strange man grabbed a beer from their refrigerator and walked into their bedroom. “Hey, what’s up?” asked Christopher Ramirez. Ramirez later told police he thought he was in a church… that would explain the beer…

Eight people were treated for bullet wounds after a gunfight broke out at the Alameda County Fair in Pleasanton, California this week. The San Francisco Examiner reported that the shooter and another man were fighting over the last prize at a basketball-toss game, a stuffed Tweety Bird… I tot I taw a AK-47…

Operators of a funeral home in Bradenton, Florida are in trouble over their religious beliefs. Bradenton police arrested Paula Albritton and her son, Jimmy Lee Clark, after finding a cadaver at their mortuary

with a chest cavity full of voodoo dolls…

A man at Miami International Airport jumped in an idling Florida Highway Patrol car and took off, hitting three cars before slamming into a tree. The man identified himself to police as Jesus Christ… when he

hit the tree, I distinctly heard him say “Jesus Christ…”

A Tallahassee, Florida teacher has resigned after a grand jury investigation decided he xercised “extremely poor judgement” in showing a violent horror film to his high school social studies class. Melvin Caswell says he was unaware of the controversial content of the movie, entitled “I Spit On Your Grave…”

A new Connecticut law has established a fund for people who are victims of dishonest lawyers. The Client Security Fund will cost lawyers and judges $75.00 a year… estimates are that the fund will reach 400 gazillion dollars by Friday…

Our Bozo of the Week Award goes to Howard Farmer, who allegedly robbed the Pulaski County, Arkansas bank, and was caught minutes later refuelling his getaway car at a nearby gas station…

Police in Wisconsin are investigating the shooting deaths of David Butcher and Roberta Stone, calling the crime a possible murder-suicide. Kenosha Sheriff’s Sgt. John Schwarz said, “They had an on-again,

off-again relationship…” I guess it’s off again…

Ed and Fred were flying along when the two idiots crash-landed on a desert island.

“What should we do?”, said Ed.

“Hmmm, let’s think.”, replied Fred.

Ed shook his head, “No, let’s do something you can do too!”